Day 267. Unchain my heart

   We're very sadistic. We like seeing people suffer. And most of all, we like seeing ourselves suffer. We chain our heart knowingly and then we complain about it and wish we were totally different persons. 

   We let them all come at us and destroy what we've built. We're weak. Small and weak. Naive and impressionable. Vulnerable and in need of affection. And we look for it everywhere. When, instead, we should be looking for it inside ourselves. 

   That's when we realize how to truly unchain ourselves and finally be free.

Day 266. Responsibility

   If yesterday I felt nervous for myself, today I experienced feeling nervous for others:) 

   Some of my friends had an important English exam and knowing I've helped them get ready made me feel responsible. It wasn't the usual maternal feeling though, but a weird, interesting kind of adrenaline of "can't wait to see how well they do":) Because in the end this is the time my work will pay off:) So I'm looking forward to the results.

   Interesting feeling. I bet I'll experience it again with my own future kids. And man, that'd feel awkward. Because when I feel nervous about something that's happening to me I guess I can control it better, but what about them? Yeah, in the end this is how a control freak I am:)

Day 265. I made it through

   The big day has arrived. I woke up with butterflies in my stomach. And they were kicking hard. I knew it was going to be OK because I love teaching, but my body must have thought otherwise. Or maybe it was just saying "omg, this is so exciting, let's see how it turns out":)

   There's one good expression to characterize today's experience: "Veni, vidi, vici." I got a 10 and I'm proud of it!:) The 10th graders were really OK, the role play I prepared for them turned out very, very funny and the whole class enjoyed it, they said they all learned something new and a kid even gave me a "good idea" feedback;) 

   So I guess I made it through again even if it was all short notice. Aaaand I found out again that I can do more than I think I can:) And so do you!

Day 264. Two is better than one

   I've always loved being surrounded by friends. I had friends from all over the world. Friends that came and stayed and some that went away. And I've learned something from each of them.

   It's funny though how life always follows its cycle. When someone dies, a new baby is born. When a friend goes away, another one comes to take his place. It happened to me today. 

   I had to part from a dear friend I've been around for 4 years and instead life gave me a new friend:) It's like it knows how much I need someone to share my life with, someone to learn from and someone to teach. 

   In the end, friends keep us alive. And we all know two is always better than one:)

Day 263. Which one?

   That awkward moment when you have so many things on your mind you don't know what to start with. The urgent or the important? The one I like or the one I have to? Should I ask around or should I just calm down and listen to the answers within me? 

   There's soooooo little time! In 30 hours I have to come up with a project from scratch. I have to teach 10th grade kids something awesome about the generation gap. 

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Day 262. The quiet before the storm

   There are stressed people out there. And careless people too. The careless ones swim through life knowing that somehow it will all be OK. The stressed ones always want to be the best. They want everything to be perfect and and they need to be sure they control every little detail of their life. 

   All my life I wanted to be careless. But I couldn't. What if I have something to lose? What if something will go wrong precisely because of my careless attitude? How do you get to be a whole new person when you wake up one morning and you realize you're already an adult? Can you still change something and in the end is it even worth trying? 

   I tried it today. My negative brain fought against me so much but in the end I prevailed. So I guess you CAN make a small change here and there if you really want to. In the end you're the master of your brain. Or is it vice-versa?

Day 261. The magic city

   I don't know about you, but I loooove my city. I always did and I always will. I'm not the type of person that can't wait to move to a different city/country. I like it here because I find everything I need. Many cultural events, good people, awesome friends and a lot of photographic material. Just like today:)

   This week we're celebrating the city and we're overwhelmed with so many events that we don't know what to choose. Of course I wanted to attend two of them that were taking place in the same time but since I'm not Hermione, I couldn't... so the confusion of the choice I had to make made me very frustrated. In the end I decided to leave out the Festival of Light this year and stay see the concerts in the Main Square. Ohhh, boy, I'm not sorry at all! I loved the bands (Les elephants bizarres and Grimus) even though I haven't seen them before and I barely heard about them. But all that energy, the good vibe and the awesome songs, they made me truly live. Then and there. And that's what came home with me. A good feeling, the feeling of "Man, that was awesome!" Awesome enough to keep me happy until the next magical moments in my life:)

Day 260. The right time

    "There's a right time for everything:

A right time for birth and another for death,

A right time to plant and another to reap,

A right time to destroy and another to construct,

A right time to cry and another to laugh,

A right time to lament and another to cheer,

A right time to make love and another to abstain,

A right time to embrace and another to part,

A right time to search and another to count your losses,

A right time to hold on and another to let go,

A right time to rip out and another to mend,

A right time to shut up and another to speak up."

(Eclesiastes 3:2-8)

    Today I realized that every period of human development has its own normal features even if they seem weird for the others: you can't blame a hungry child for being noisy, a teenager for feeling misunderstood or an adult for being overly protective with his child. 

   Also, I understood that no matter how much you want to move forward when you're a kid or backwards when you're an adult, trying to live in the future or in the past is of no use. You won't understand adults when you're a teenager nor will you understand teenagers when you're an adult. So why try to be somewhere else than the present? You know what they say. Learn from the past and hope for the future. Re-living the past periods won't make you wiser. It will only confuse you. So let go and come back where you belong. There's a right time for everything.  

  

Day 259. Beyond the rain

   It's been raining on and off these days. And it wouldn't even be as annoying if it wasn't for the gloomy clouds and the sleepy mood everyone seems to be into. If it's sunny now, it will rain again in less than an hour. So it seems that Spring is back to being bipolar. And today we match. Actually, we're all like her. All the time. 

   We're fragile little beings that bend according to the wind. A simple word said at the wrong time or in the wrong way can shatter our whole world and yet, another one, can make us raise from the ashes. 

   Words mean everything to us. We're emotional beings and what we say is influenced by our thoughts and emotions. Our whole life is an EKG. Going up and down as the others talk to us and as we do our talking. And we're so influenced by the rain that our whole body goes to sleep wanting to avoid it. And the saddest part is that we're incapable of seeing beyond the rain. I, for one, no matter how much I try to make myself smile while rain is coming over me, I just can't. It's wrapping me in its gloom and it's telling me the saddest story I've ever heard. 

   So here I am, longing for the sun, for better times, for someone to teach me see beyond the rain:)

Day 258. Keep trying

   Today I read a beautiful story to my kids. It was about a boy and his dragon which, once a simple toy, becomes alive but for it to stay alive the boy has to go through a series of trials. Does he do it gladly? No. He's afraid and he says he can't do it. So he tries to give up over and over again. But each time he does that there is a character that makes him change his mind, trust himself and keep trying. And thus he always finds the right solution to his problems and in the end he succeeds to save his dear dragon:) 

   Just like the kid, how many times did we want to give up when the first solution we found didn't work? Why do we quickly choose to feel sorrow instead of trying to find a different solution that would make us happy? Sometimes the right solution comes from an unexpected place:) 

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."

                                                          Dale Carnegie 

Day 257. Follow your heart but...

   ... take your brain with you!

   Sometimes following our heart involves a lot of risk taking and even bad decisions. But you can't convince the heart otherwise. 

   So, since you already decided, take the road and follow it closely. It might make you suffer, but at least you'll learn some valuable lessons. And next time you'll take the brain with you. Because, as much as you don't want to, it will always give you the heads up and prevent some major breakdowns. Or at least it will make you be aware of them. And yes, it'll be the one saying "I told you so". Still, you need it to get out of those breakdowns. And move on in one piece. Or two. 

Day 256. Of bright beginnings

   Whenever you meet new people, you either like them or you don't. But there are some times when you feel a strong connection to one of them. So you wonder: "Why haven't I met you by now?" And then a long discussion begins and you both find out you have so many things in common. 

   I love this kind of feeling! I love feeling connections to awesome people:) And I love meeting them no matter the circumstance. They make me smile and remember I'm not alone. And, boy, that feels comfortable:)

Day 255. The light at the end of the tunnel

   Today I learned that no matter how difficult the beginnings might be, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel which motivates you to go on. I've learned that it's hard to get yourself going, but once you've started, it won't feel as unpleasant as it did in the beginning. The important thing is to stop procrastinating and get yourself in the "working mood". 

   This morning I started studying for my summer exam. It was hard to get back in the "student mood" but once I got to it, it was actually pleasant:) 

   Also today was day 1 of a personal project my boyfriend and I started to get fit. We decided to jog every evening around a beautiful lake where people like us go. Seeing we're not alone strengthened our motivation to seriously involve in the project. I'm really excited about the outcome!:) 

   The light at the end of my tunnel is shining bright. I can't wait to touch it!:)

Day 254. A day to remember

   Today was yet another awesome day from the book of my life. It now feels so nice to know I turned the page to a lot of happiness that was ready for me today:)

   My family and I went to see the annual air show in my city (I forgot, this is yet another tradition we have). We even have our own special spot with a terrific view where we always stay and watch the show. You'd say there's nothing special anymore if we go see it every year. Yeah, you might be a bit right, some things do stay the same (like my dad being like a little child in the Christmas morning while watching the air show) but every year something different happens. 

   Today I've seen poppies for the first time this year (my favourite flowers!) and I had plenty of flowery material for some awesome shots, the air show was more amazing than the previous year (they even drew a heart!) and some of the planes flew right above our heads! I felt fear and an awesome adrenaline rush in the same time because I thought they would hit us (they came that close!) And then, when passing us by they saluted us with the plane because they saw us waving! That was amazing! 

   Somewhere in between mom took some cute photos of me and after I got home and spent the rest of the day editing today's photos I even invented a new version of "River of dreams" song based on my experience today:) That was fun!

"In the middle of May

We go watching an air show

On the hill we choose to stay

Until the time we have to go.

We must be looking for something

Something awesome to shoot

The wheat field is amazing

So mom shot me cute."

   And it's my dad's birthday today and we had strawberries and ice cream and it's the final of Eurovision song contest tonight. I'm soooo ecstatic! 

   This is surely a day to remember! ... And that's why I love traditions. Because every year something changes:) 

Day 253. Looking back

   Today I realized that sometimes facing or simply thinking about our past brings up sadness. 

   It's all about the unresolved issues with ourselves or with the others. That's why we often try to avoid the unsettling past and find distractions to direct us to the future. And it's only natural if you think that it wasn't always our fault that things ended the way they did. The worst part is when you know you can't do anything to make peace with that person and just move on being at peace with yourself. In this situation you don't have many options. 

   So even if all the ride home I was sad about some mistake I've done in the past, I now know that as much as I'd want to I can't do anything to undo it. Thus, I'm redirecting my attention towards the bright present and the bright future. Because in the end "it's okay to make mistakes. Mistakes are our friends -- they help us to grow."

Day 252. Bundle of joy

   There are days when nothing special happens. Days when you're looking forward for a reason to smile. And sometimes the reason just pops, without you even having to try. 

   Today I met this little bundle of joy. And we played together and I even let her chew on my finger:) She was sooo sweet! And the fact I loved most about her was her way of enjoying herself. She was so carefree and sincere! Even though at first she was a bit afraid, in a few seconds she came right at me and started showing me she wants to play:) 

   I wish we'd all be as carefree as this little kitty and stop trying too much. We just have to open our eyes every morning and smile. It's that simple:) 

Day 251. Ups and downs

   Life in a kindergarten is full of ups and downs. You'd say it has to be pretty easy to take care of some kids and teach them some basic stuff about life. If only...

   Today I reached bottom with a class of kids who didn't want to get involved in a contest I had prepared for them. It's not that it wasn't interesting, on the contrary. Each time someone wants to teach them something, they show no respect towards the teacher in front of them. They really behave like savages who are not aware that in a society there are rules that have to be obeyed. No matter how I tried to get their attention, there were always 2 or 3 children who messed everything up and dragged the other kids along with them. 

   I couldn't finish the activity today and I couldn't find any brilliant solution to solve this issue. I felt overwhelmed and it was one of moments when you feel you know so little and that hurts. But by the time I was pondering upon that, some other kids welcomed me in their class jumping on me, hugging me and telling me they love me. My heart melted and then I realized you can't solve all problems around you. Some take more than you can do. It's like wanting to turn a rotten apple into a perfect one. You just can't. All you have to do is accept the fact that you can't help them all. Some don't want to be helped. And the ones who did, begged me to go on with the contest and they are the ones I have to focus on. They make me believe my presence around them matters. But you can't make them all like you, Dana. Just let it go. 

Day 250. Left behind

   These days I've been running around like a headless chicken. It's the registration period for the teachers' annual exam and just like every year, nobody seems to know exactly what documents we need in the file we register with. So we all run around and try to solve this issue the best we can. 

   I guess it's a general trait for Romania. You thought the US is the country of all possibilities, huh? Well guess what! Romania surely surpasses the US! Here you never really know what lies ahead of you. Nobody tells you how to study during school, if the university you want to attend is useful or not and which are the odds of being hired after graduating. Nobody tells you how to search for a job or how to do your job, they just want it done by the deadline. Of course, they say you can ask and you shall been given answers, but we weren't raised like this. 

   The system teaches us to swallow a lot of information that teachers give us and take it for granted, so when we graduate highschool we feel like we're left behind. No critical thinking, no perspectives, no nothing. So that's when we wake up from the childhood dream and we realize we're grown up chicks that have to fly. But where to? And then we start asking around, just like socials being we are. And answers are given. 

Day 249. What goes around comes around

   When you do something with passion, people notice and they say "thank you":)

   Today I was pleasantly surprised by a cute "thank you". It was a really nice way of ending my supervision in my former high school. Even though at times I felt totally overwhelmed, now I know I learned something and I feel I've climbed another step towards being a good practitioner:)

   At the end of the day, I'm glad I could make a change in some people's life. Of course, I couldn't change them all, but you know what they say, it's enough if you reach 1 person. So I guess I can safely say: mission accomplished!:)

Day 248. Flooding

   I don't know about you, but I've always had an issue with heights. Every time I'm at a high altitude, my body doesn't feel safe, my heart starts pumping more blood and my brain says: FLIGHT! 

   Today I went to visit the city with my best friend from college and we decided to go up the Firemen's tower to see the city from above. As we were climbing the many stairs up to the roof we were both feeling scared. "Is it safe to be here? Is there any chance we'd fall?" we thought. But we kept going and going even if on the inside we were pretty startled. This is what "the flooding" is. You meet your fear and you fight with it even if you feel small and helpless. And at the end of the fight you realize, again, that you can do more than you thought you could. 

   It's interesting to observe how the brain reacts when you meet your fear and in the same time it's reassuring to find out that its reaction is normal. In my case, my brain says "I don't want to die. So be careful, better go away from here!" 

   Today I didn't listen to it and I'm happy I didn't because at the top of the stairs there was a spectacular view that was worth fighting for. Yeah, I needed a little time trying to talk myself into feeling safe but in the end I'm proud to have won this fight:) 

Day 247. The insight

   Today it was the second day of the workshop regarding family counseling for children with difficulties in school. It both trilled me and it made me sad. Really sad. Because I finally understood why I am a drama queen and why I worry about other people's opinions, why I always strive for perfection and why my brain is more negative than the others'. 

   You see, this teacher is really good at what she's doing and I felt like she opened up my eyes and made me see the world differently. She helped me understand how I can really help the kids at the kindergarten and at the end of day I know I'm happy I chose this workshop. 

   I realized I'd love to be a family counselor but in the same time I realized all my psychological issues are due to a lack of validation from my parents during adolescence. I was always the different sheep in the family: artistic, dreamy, childish. I often wanted something else and many times they couldn't understand me. So they tried to put me back on their track and make me be like them. But all they succeeded was making me feel like I can't be understood. Like I'm too different. So I always needed attention, appreciation and affection and if I didn't get it through my art I tried to get it through my marks. But they were never completely satisfied so I got stuck with the "drama queen syndrome" forever. 

   So here I am now, a weirdly molded piece of clay even if they tried to shape me into a beautiful bird. But I guess we all carry around our parents' mistakes and we'll all make our own mistakes when raising our kids. Even if we acknowledge it or not. 

   Therefore, pay attention! Remember the lesson and put into practice when the time is right. You can't change who you are now, but you can be aware of the way you interpret things and that you can change, so dare to try!:)

Day 246. The rush

   Today I had the time of my life. Actually, I thought I was being stood up and I paid for a fake workshop. 

   Let me tell you how all this happened. The day started up with a beautiful morning bathed in sun. I had a yummy breakfast while carelessly walking in a foreign city where I only knew one street and Kaufland. So I had to follow some directions to get to the workshop. Of course I got lost at some point. I managed to get there in the end (asking people always helps, even though they sometimes give you weird directions that make you even more confused) and I met this lady who was heading to a course in the same building. I thought we were both going to the same workshop. Until I found myself in the middle of a lot of Hungarian speakers in a workshop/course that had already started. Before the scheduled hour. Hmmmm, something was fishy. I found out my workshop was going to be downstairs. As I arrived there, I looked around and I was amazed to find out.......... nobody was there: not the organizer, nor another person from a foreign city like me... nobody! After waiting for a while I started calling the teacher who was supposedly holding the workshop. She didn't answer on either phone. I waited some more, but I only got more anxious. From then on my mind worked on some movie like interpretations where people were each told a different meeting point and all this was a biiiiig scheme. Well guess what. The thing was that it wasn't starting at 9 like I was told, but an hour later. 

    Yeah, that changes everything. Oh well. I had the time of my life. And I got amused about the negative brain we all have. It likes to make negative interpretations so that it can solve problems. So my brain got me in a huge rush today. I'd rather not repeat the experience:)

P.S. The workshop was awesome today! Can't wait for tomorrow's sequel!

Day 245. Traveling

   ... always wakes up my senses! Each time I go to a different city, I get more and more enthusiastic as I get closer to the destination:) New places to see, new photos, new memories!

   This time I'm going to Satu Mare to attend an awesome workshop and meet my best friend from college. We haven't seen each other since her wedding.

    Let's hope I will return back home wiser than I left:)

Day 244. Less is more

   I don't know about you, but from time to time I realize I have some things I want to change to myself. Today I realized I give waaaay too many details when I transmit a piece of information.

   I know what I want to say, but I make a story out of everything. I don't know how I got here. Maybe it's that I'm used to talk to my parents like that and give them details on whatever the issue. Hmmm... The fact that my brother said "I don't care" several times should have triggered something inside me, but I always redirected my attention towards others who did care. 

   So from now on I want to pay more attention to what I say and how I say it. It's like needing to write the summary of a novel every time I say something. Very hard but very useful too! 

Day 243. Trial and error

   Today I've given a scientific thought to the search we're all doing regarding our love life. I'd be really interested to make a research on how Romanians see relationships and their way of picking partners. 

   I was waiting for the bus and I saw couples pass by me. Then I thought: "How do we choose our boyfriend/girlfriend? Do we do it reported to a set of values our parents instill in us, did the movies influence us or maybe do we just pick them starting with the looks? How does it transform and what do people actually want from a relationship? How do they find the power to go on after hooking up and breaking up with so many wrong persons until they find The One? Why do we have to play this "trial and error" game and only after a set of errors get to setting down? And how do we take the decision? Based on our experience, based on routine or maybe the fact that the other doesn't try to change us?"

   As you can see, such a complex phenomena wakes up my synapses and makes me wonder. "Is The One really the perfect match or do we just settle for The Best out of Our Experience?" 

   They say you just know. And I do. My guts says I do. But people around me say I'm wrong. Am I?

Day 242. The help

   We give pieces of advice every day, some because we're asked for and some because we want to prevent something bad from happening. 

   I get it, we care about our close ones and we want them to be happy, but many times we give advice generalizing our experience into an absolute truth. So we tell people what to do, forgetting to take into consideration that they are not us and they have free will. I mean, giving pieces of advice is OK, but we shouldn't expect people to closely follow our ideas. Also, we should prepare that our advice might not always be the best. 

   Giving an advice is tricky. You never know if it will help or actually do harm so it's better to let people take decisions alone, because the answer always lays inside of us. We're just too afraid to admit its presence and follow it. 

   So let's rather follow our inner intuition and be more cautious when asking for and giving a piece of advice.

Day 241. The sequel

   When you like something a lot, you want to share it with others so that they would enjoy it as much as you did, right?

   Since we had so much free time in this mini Easter holiday, today we went back to heaven. And this time we took my boyfriend and some family friends with us. 

   It was the first night slept in a tent this year and the first night warming around the fire while gazing at the shining stars. 

   Just like yesterday, the time passed like a blink of an eye and it was even more beautiful since I got the chance to share the moments with my loved one. 

   So now we're looking forward to take our deviant friends there next time:)

Day 240. Heaven is a place on Earth

   There are places in this world that make you feel like heaven is a place on Earth. Valea Draganului is precisely one of them. 

   You know, they don't even have to be very special and wow. For me, it's enough if there are different shades of green in spring, leftover pine cones and mountains covered in snow in the distance, the smell of fir trees and a lot of birds singing, just like it was today. 

   Let me tell you what happened. Usually my parents take me to a place in the middle of the nature during the weekends. And sometimes I wish I could just stay at home and watch a movie instead. Today was just like that, but now, at the end of the day, I am thankful for it because we discovered this beauuutiful, new place very close to the Dragan dam where we always go. We were amazed by the fact that in all these years it was right under our nose and we didn't see it. It was so beautiful and I loved it so much there that I decided this was one of the best days of this year! Discovering it filled me with energy that will least for weeks and the joy of having seen a magnificent place God blessed us with.

   The sun was shining and I loved laying on my back and watch the clouds pass and then walk around and enjoy the beautiful scenery while taking pictures. All in all, being there was very relaxing and meditation appropriate. So much that I realized perfection is much less than we think of it. It's not a utopia as long as we believe. And I believe today I reached perfection. Actually the place did:)

   You know, people usually expect to see waterscapes or landscapes in Malaysia, Hawaii or the Alps to call them "pieces of heaven", but you really don't need that to be amazed by nature and by the power of God. It's enough if you go where I went today and see what I saw. Because I'm sure you'd be as amazed and as happy as I was at the end of the day:) 

   So let's try to visit our own country first and be open minded to discovering such little pieces of heaven just like Valea Draganului:) 

Day 239. Encourage creativity

   Today I felt just like I did last Christmas when I finished decorating the Christmas tree of my dreams. And all this because I got creative:)

   This year I decided to add my personal touch to the tradition of dyeing the Easter eggs and I've done some extensive research on how I want them to look like. So today, besides the traditional red ones, I can proudly check having dyed the Easter eggs of my dreams:) 

   While I was looking at the final result I was thinking about how easily 

it is to get creative and personalize things around you without even spending too much money. 

   If I wouldn't get creative every time I felt like, I would be living upon the others' opinions regarding my life and I wouldn't be ME anymore. So take a good look at present day Dana:) She's doing what she feels like and she loves what she's doing:)

Day 238. The perfect illusion

   You know that moment when you randomly go in a store and see something that seems perfect for you? 

   You're amazed when you see it but you don't have the money to buy it right then so you go home daydreaming about coming back and getting it next time. But after some days, when you do go back to the store and see it again you realize you had the illusion of perfection and that, in fact, the thing is not as lovely and amazing as you remembered it. 

   The next step is being disappointed or relieved (depending on how much it costs) because in the end all this "game" brings in a lot of tension. Sometimes you realize you don't need it right then, but you have an irresistible feeling you want to own it. So when you go back and confront reality you realize you were just temporarily blind.

   Today I felt just that. It's not the first time it happened to me and I realized it might occur because our whole life we're trying to find little pieces of ourselves and this kind of encounter is exactly what we need to feel complete... it's like trying to solve our own puzzle. So we're searching for the other pieces. Every time we find one of the right ones we're in 9th heaven, but sometimes the pieces are very similar and it's easy to be misled. That's when "the perfect illusion" happens:)

   In the end, you win some battles, you lose some battles. Today I was relieved. The dress was too expensive:)

 

Day 237. There's always a first

   Today I celebrated my first "International Workers' Day" as a... worker!:) 

   The last years I didn't quite understand its meaning since I was just a student but this year came with pride. The pride of knowing I contribute to society and that I get my own salary which brings me stability and independence, the pride of freedom. 

   My friends and I had a great time between showers of rain. Walking in the forest was a blessing and laying on my back while feeling the raindrops falling down on me made me feel perfection. Right there, right then. Another movie moment:)

   Life is full of "first moments" and the beauty of it is enjoying those moments with your loved ones. Today I did just that and it felt awesome.