Live it up

   I know, I said it before. Various times. But it came back to me so I guess it's a never ending lesson we have to learn again and again our whole life: Live it up. Take all the opportunities that show up on your way, be it an awesome light on a lazy Sunday, a donating books event in your city or the opportunity to help a kid do his homework. 

   Don't be lazy! That tv show will always be there, but some chances don't show up twice:) (Remember the color fight?:D) You just have to surpass your fear of being judged. You feel glamorous and want to take some selfies? Do it! You feel like walking in the nature but all your friends are busy? Take your camera and go enjoy yourself. You want to start a project but you're afraid you'll never have enough time? Believe me, you CAN do anything you want to do. Just do it:) You'll see how happy that thing will make you feel. 
   If I learned something in my life it's that we have to conquer our fears and focus on being happy. Because in the end, that's what keeps us going, right?:) But there's this trick:

   So do whatever makes you happy and do this exercise an awesome teacher gave us: write down every day 3 things that made you happy. Do it for a week. See how your life changes when you acknowledge there ARE things that make you happy every day. So why are you sad then?:) Start being happy and take all the opportunities that make you want to shout "I love life"! Say YES more often! Live it up!:)

Go wild

   I've been creative all week. I never knew putting an idea into practice takes so much time and dedication, though... well, at least if you're a perfectionist like me, it will:) 

   I started my creative days with this activity where I had to talk about emotion recognition with my kindergarten kids so I initially planned to ask them to draw their present emotion. But then I thought to myself "Hey, why not ask them to draw it on a leaf?" then "Wow, I could actually make a tree of emotions. If they're all happy it's gonna be a happy autumn tree!":) And so it was. I had to cut a whole LOAD of leaves for 3 consecutive days (given the 120 kids I wanted to involve in this activity) but it was all worth it:) Then I had to print 3 tree trunks and paint them and then start working on the beautiful autumn trees:) I'm glad to say all my kids said they were happy at the moment of our activity so all my trees are Happy:) Yaaay!:) This is how the trees look like:

   Then today, as being the baking day, I decided to make some donuts and play with toppings:) So many wild ideas popped in my head and I'm so happy my mom didn't judge me at all:) She joined in my funny creative process and we had a blast all the way:)

   At the end of the week I realized that the awesome thing about working in a kindergarten is that I can ALWAYS go wild with my creativity and I'll fit right in without anyone suspecting anything about me being "childish":) So I can't be anything but full of joy at the thought of a whole school year awaiting for new awesome ideas:) Bring it on!

Not a girl, not yet a woman

   School has officially started and I find myself caught in the middle of an emotional carousel: longing, melancholy, nostalgia all slowly mixed together in a tiny jar. 

   I go to work every morning and I see kids and teens going to school and I remember: I miss being in high school, being a student:) And this is when that universal saying comes true. When you're a kid all you want is to grow up already and by the time you're a grown up you just wanna go running back to childhood... or adolescence, as awkward as that might sound. 

   Yeah, sure, teenage period was kinda weird and difficult to handle because you want so many things but your hands are tied while you have no idea who you are and what you're actually looking for:) But man, that journey of discovering the world and myself was awesome! Having more friendships that I could handle, discovering photography and writing, learning that I love psychology. It all happened back then. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:) 

   I miss those times and as much as I know that every stage of life should be enjoyed for its particular benefits, I can't help myself, really:) I just see them so sleepy and confused, chatting out loud with their friends, taking life NOT seriously and it makes me smile:) I was once like them. And now I'm here. Who would have thought?:) 

   I used to love this expression while I was a teen: "not a girl, not yet a woman". Well, a woman sometimes misses being in between:) Because life isn't as metaphorical and full of sense as we think it is. Many times it's just random. And we give it meaning by finding role models around us. People who inspire us, who, through their stories, help us understand that even if random, life is worth living and that longing is a natural feeling. (I love you, Kirsty Mitchell! Thank you for showing me that!) 

   So I'll miss school some more days and then I'll go back to playing with the kids:) Because adult life is just as awesome for me:) I'm that lucky!

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* Kirsty Mitchell is one of my favorite photographers. She puts life in a box and takes amazing photos of it while playing with the toys inside:) I can only aspire to resemble her sometime:)

The clean up

   You wake up and you look outside only to see it's cloudy again... A lot of free time on your hands. You're not in the mood to drag your body out of your bed yet so you just linger there and you start contemplating life. Yeah, unlike others, you can just sit in bed and think. You get to the conclusion that the best way to spend this Saturday is to clean up. Autumn is the perfect time for that. 

   You start with things on your phone. A lot of notes of movies you have to see, random thoughts and useless data. You have breakfast and then you start hiding your summery clothes and bringing up the autumn ones. Next. Papers on your desk. So many of them piled up over the last months. And you have no idea how that happened. You stop for a second and realize you're moving slower and slower. You're one with the gloomy weather now. 

   There's something bothering you but you can't really put your finger on it. It's like the dreadful side of autumn got under your skin and now it's controlling your body. You gently take a paper, read it and throw it next to you. You repeat the process until you're surrounded by a big pile of "leaves". You soon cleaned all the trees around you and now the leaves are down there covering the floor with memories you made along the way. Things you'll throw away because you no longer need. 

   Your trees will get new memories next spring. But you'll throw some of them next autumn and the thought of that somehow makes you sad. You'd love to keep all the memories you gathered, all the feelings you invested in. But you know life's not an endless summer. You have to focus and take decisions. What will you throw out? Will you keep things just in case you might need them sometime or will you throw out anything you didn't use in the last month? 

   If it was up to you, you'd keep all the leaves until you had a sea of them in your room. And then you'd float on your own sea of leaves until you got lost in the distance while contemplating life. You'd later wake up on your bed on a sunny autumn day and everything would be perfect again:)

   

The 3 magical days

   "Every miracle lasts only three days", they say. Some days are longer, others are shorter. But somehow miracles end and then you're all by yourself asking if that was just a dream or if it was reality. 

   You already knew that life is a never ending journey across calm seas and harsh mountains. You know the theory. But since you've been traveling on a calm sea for years, it was always hard for you to imagine that sometime you'd have to climb the Everest. And that's simply because you were used to living a comfortable life. All nice and cozy. 

   Your third magical day is now coming to a close and you can feel it. The wind is starting to blow. The sea is slowly becoming agitated and you're borrowing its state. You're starting to tremble in your summery dress and you close your eyes. Black and white gloomy images come into your mind. You will have to continue your journey up until the peak you'll be terrified about. You know you'll want to come back to the amazingly calm sea and clear water, but you also know you won't be able to. Cos the doors behind you will keep closing and you can only go forward. And then you'll want to stop and just lay down for a while and weep. Weep because you miss these carefree summery days, these times when you were just a girl. 

   When you open your eyes you realize you've aged. You're a grown up woman now. That's what autumn does every year. It takes away the innocence and gives back the same sorrows you had last year. She'll keep doing that till you get at peace with your destiny and you accept it. Ups and downs. Happiness and sadness. Sea and mountain. 

   You look away in the distance and you see the waves coming towards you. But you hold on tight and decide to live every day as it comes and enjoy every bit of happiness that's left until the great sorrow. You know the next 3 days will be mundane, cruel, ironic, anything but magical, but you remember you've been through this before and you prevailed. So you take a deep breath and shout to the waves: "Come what may, I'm ready!"

Day 365. The big day

   Today's the last day of my daily journey through my first year of adulthood, the year I started working. 

   It was a project I dived into because I wanted to fight the laziness that comes to us artists from time to time. A project to encourage me to take photos and write in spite of having little free time. It wasn't easy. I had to come up with new photos and new posts every day. Some days I had no idea what to write about because nothing special happened to me then but I still had to do my homework so I had to look deep down and find a piece of mind hidden on a forgotten shelf. Yes, a couple of days I thought about postponing or canceling the project but each time my inner voice told me I have to finish what I started. And here I am now.

   This experiment made me look at my life through a magnifying glass and find emotions and thoughts I didn't pay attention to all the time. 

   These past 365 days I had the chance to analyse myself, my reactions and my choices, my worries and my moments of happiness. It was a bildungsroman I got the chance to read while writing it.

   And like any other bildungsroman, I started with 0 work experience, a lot of theoretical information that I wasn't going to use in the kindergarten, questions, doubts and anxieties. 

I felt my hands were tied and my expectations were too high. I was down...

But I knew I loved kids more than anything.

Because when kids smile and they tell you they love you, it's all you need to move on.

I found little things that made my days beautiful and that made my inner photographer really proud.

I always did what I love. I cooked and I baked.

I read a lot. For me and for the exam I had to take this summer. There were books and movies I'll always remember. 

And a lot of movie like moments. 

I spent a lot of time in the middle of the nature. I saw sunrises, sunsets, gloomy clouds, rain and snow.

Autumn, winter, spring and summer. 

I celebrated Christmas, New Year's Eve and Easter. I finally had the Christmas tree of my dreams.

I gave and received gifts.

I spent precious time with my friends, family and my beloved boyfriend.

 I received an amazing birthday cake from my best friend, I went to my first color fight and I had my first textbook sleepover.

I made new friends. Dogs, cats and people who helped me rediscover my childhood and my adolescence. 

My feet went to a lot of places.

I was sick, sad and worried. I questioned life and existence. I complained.

But each time I fell down, I stood up and moved on stronger.

I learned I still need to work on being patient.

And accepting change.

I learned that I have to fight for what I believe in.

And always find a reason to smile.

That it's good to keep your spirit young especially if you're living an adult life.

Shoot for the stars,

And be creative. 

Love unconditionally,

Be yourself even if the world expects to see something different.

And keep close to whatever makes you happy:)

 It's been a wonderful journey. One that I'm planning to continue. Not daily but still, twice a week. On Tuesdays and Saturdays. 

Thanx for sticking around and reading my posts, supporting me and putting me on the right direction. It was all very helpful:) See you next Tuesday!:)

Day 364. The gardener

   Some people around me are like delicate rosebuds during winter. If they haven't got a gardener to take care of them, they will never bloom. 

   They need someone to believe in them, someone to acknowledge and encourage their potential. They are great people with self esteem issues. And maybe a messed up background. But they are great nevertheless. And I believe in them. 

   I don't want to walk away knowing I didn't do anything for them. I want to be there to tend them and surround them with my love and affection. I want to fight along with them and go through harsh weather, blood, sweat and tears all along. And one day when the sun will shine again and they will bloom, I want to be there and share that special moment with them. 

   Yes, I'm a gardener, someone who'd rather got stung by thorns than live an idle life sleeping under a tree. I couldn't be any other way even if I tried:)

Day 363. Farewell

   Last year I had to work in two kindergartens. There was the main one - big and cheerful with lots of loving kids- and the other one - small and cosy, with friendly people and cute kids. A part of me died today when I found out I won't be working in the second kindergarten this year. And then I immediately thought of this saying I read in a book:

   Yep, I didn't see this coming:( And I don't understand why I shouldn't feel comfortable in a place I feel like home... I know, my dad taught me there always has to be a cracked door somewhere so I could get out safe and sound every time. It was about romantic relationships, but this applies here as well... 

   I'm hurt because I got to care about those people and I know they care about me too. We got along awesomely. It was that kind of relationship when you understand each other from a glance:) The kids were so adorable that right now I'm happy I was inspired enough to take photos of and with them during the past year. The teachers were friendly, helping and warm. Beautiful people, beautiful place. "Ladybug kindergarten", you will be missed!

Day 362. Guilty pleasures

  We all had our guilty pleasures and we keep having them no matter how much we try to avoid it. We just can't help it. Be it a mainstream song with crappy lyrics and a catchy rhythm, a cheesy movie with good looking actors or a teenagerish book with nothing profound and life changing in its content. We think they're the opposite of everyday us and yet, they somehow make place into our life and we wake up liking them. Even though we'd never go for those if we had to pick.

   The interesting part is that if we're asked what we think about them, we strongly deny liking them. Maybe we do it because we want to keep the image we built over time, or maybe because these are rear events that happen here and there and don't really define us as a person. But why do we feel guilty every time we like something like that? Why all that dreadful feeling that only brings in bad energy? 

   I once saw a video of a man saying that we shouldn't accept such a term as "guilty pleasures" in our life. Because in the end, believe it or not, that's exactly who we are. And those tiny pieces are hidden deep inside us. Sure, we're not proud of them, but acceptance is the beginning of happiness. Nobody says that you have to put a status on Facebook with something like "Hey dudes, I'm a Metalist but I love Twilight." Nobody says you have to tell anybody about it. Maybe you wanna share it with your buddies and make fun of it, or maybe you wanna keep it for yourself but whatever you choose to do, learn to never feel guilty about liking something! Because deep there you know that thingie makes you feel good. Then why associate feeling good with guilt?:) Wouldn't it be easier to just accept it as part of your life and move on amused?:) Life's awesome. Keep it that way!

Day 361. Glimpses

   I love watching people pass by on the street, in the park and everywhere else I go because this way I get to see glimpses of their soul. 

   Every day I see beautiful women with wonderful taste in clothing, women who aren't overly attractive but who know how to make a casual dress, a pair of nude trousers, some delicate sandals or an elegant pair of flats stand out, women who could look amazing if they cared more, women who try too much. Every outfit is a state of mind and sometimes you don't even need to see their face to read into their life. 

   I only wished my eyes could be a camera so I could take a photo to all the wonderful bits and pieces of the souls I meet without distracting them. Then put the photos in a huge album and keep it for gloomy days when life seems too random. Open the album and be amazed by all the beautiful lives I've witnessed. Then smile because life suddenly doesn't seem random anymore:) 

Day 360. New beginnings

   Today I had an awkward day. Not because something necessarily happened, but because it was my last day of summer vacation. And I had this weird feeling associated to hours passing and bringing me closer and closer to a new beginning. Cos I don't really do beginnings. You know, it takes me a while till I get used to the idea of it. 

   What's even weirder is that I'm going back to the same workplace I had last year so I should feel comfortable, right? Instead, I had this dreading feeling of leaving behind the carefree, convenient schedule I had all summer and going back to obeying adult life rules again. That feeling we all have after any holiday:) 

   The good thing is that we're getting used to anything that's new and we surpass that fear of not being able to control everything because we remember that we can deal with whatever comes. With or without help. We're not alone in the world and even if, our brain is a problem solver anyhow. 

   So I'll be fine. I just have to get used to the idea of waking up early again and focus on the positive side of everything: in the end I'm going back to my dream job:) What can be better than that?