The monsters within

   Dear diary,

   These past days I've been too tired to think... stressed with the registration for a big exam next summer, preparing to go to Bucharest for a degree and hand making 7 advent calendars (I finally realized people around me were right. They're too many!). Aaaaand on top of all this, counseling kids, parents and teachers every day and doing all the other things my job involves. You'd say it's easy peasy, right? Cos I love my job, but somehow, I donno how, every time I get home I'm sooo tired and worn out that I'm not even in the mood for the calendars. And there's just one week left (ouch!). No worries. I'll make it work and I'll learn. Settle for less next year:) 

   Thing is I've been observing myself this past week and I realized what I learned in school was true: our brain is truly prone to negativity... especially MINE. I had so many things going on lately and my brain chose to see only the bad parts. It was like it was trying to make a puzzle only from the things that "could go wrong", "did go wrong" or "might have gone wrong". And all this because I'm a perfectionist and I can't settle for less than 100%. So it seems that other percentages scare me. They make me think of scenarios that most probably aren't true. They make me doubt myself. 

   I'm a psychologist and I'm not perfect. I have problems, fears, things about me that I wish I could change but I can't. And that scares me the most. I'm not perfect. I'll never be. Some parents will judge me no matter how much I try to help them, kids will never be angels, there will be times when I won't be able to control everything and I'll have to depend on people, money will be scarce and in the middle of all this I need somebody to remind me life goes on and ignorance is bliss. 

   I really wish I could turn off my "caring button" from time to time. But I know that what parents instilled in us during childhood remains with us our whole life. It will be a constant battle, sometimes I'll win, other times I'll lose. I just have to remember to lift my head and go on. Even if I'm bone-tired. 

   Christmas is just around the corner. It's time to get a good night sleep and start fresh tomorrow. The awesomest month is approaching!

ZzzzZzzzz,

D.

Day 262. The quiet before the storm

   There are stressed people out there. And careless people too. The careless ones swim through life knowing that somehow it will all be OK. The stressed ones always want to be the best. They want everything to be perfect and and they need to be sure they control every little detail of their life. 

   All my life I wanted to be careless. But I couldn't. What if I have something to lose? What if something will go wrong precisely because of my careless attitude? How do you get to be a whole new person when you wake up one morning and you realize you're already an adult? Can you still change something and in the end is it even worth trying? 

   I tried it today. My negative brain fought against me so much but in the end I prevailed. So I guess you CAN make a small change here and there if you really want to. In the end you're the master of your brain. Or is it vice-versa?

Day 246. The rush

   Today I had the time of my life. Actually, I thought I was being stood up and I paid for a fake workshop. 

   Let me tell you how all this happened. The day started up with a beautiful morning bathed in sun. I had a yummy breakfast while carelessly walking in a foreign city where I only knew one street and Kaufland. So I had to follow some directions to get to the workshop. Of course I got lost at some point. I managed to get there in the end (asking people always helps, even though they sometimes give you weird directions that make you even more confused) and I met this lady who was heading to a course in the same building. I thought we were both going to the same workshop. Until I found myself in the middle of a lot of Hungarian speakers in a workshop/course that had already started. Before the scheduled hour. Hmmmm, something was fishy. I found out my workshop was going to be downstairs. As I arrived there, I looked around and I was amazed to find out.......... nobody was there: not the organizer, nor another person from a foreign city like me... nobody! After waiting for a while I started calling the teacher who was supposedly holding the workshop. She didn't answer on either phone. I waited some more, but I only got more anxious. From then on my mind worked on some movie like interpretations where people were each told a different meeting point and all this was a biiiiig scheme. Well guess what. The thing was that it wasn't starting at 9 like I was told, but an hour later. 

    Yeah, that changes everything. Oh well. I had the time of my life. And I got amused about the negative brain we all have. It likes to make negative interpretations so that it can solve problems. So my brain got me in a huge rush today. I'd rather not repeat the experience:)

P.S. The workshop was awesome today! Can't wait for tomorrow's sequel!