Monday, November 25, 2013

The twisted labyrinth


   Dear diary,

   My life is a twisted labyrinth. I'll never understand myself completely and it's been a while since we're hanging together. You'd say ups and downs are natural but I don't know if at this rate. 
   After getting on Worry Lane I turned left and fell in a dark pit. It feels lonely down here. I recognize this weird place and I remember managing to get out of it. I just don't feel strong enough to get out just yet. It's that place where you fall every time you remember you're a healer and you give yourself completely to others every day but you receive just a little back. You feel emotionally drained. Unloved. And burdens coming all over you. Then you wake up and feel like you're all alone. So you try to shut it off and stop giving so much but you can't. You just can't be something else than what you were born to be. So you go on being your true self. Because that's what you know best. You close your eyes, shed a tear or two and keep on giving knowing that one day the sun will shine again. 
   Dear diary, I'm looking forward to seeing the sun. Maybe this way I'll climb on a ray and get out of this pit. Who knows what's gonna be next? Hopefully a cheerful street.


All by myself,
D.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

The monsters within


   Dear diary,

   These past days I've been too tired to think... stressed with the registration for a big exam next summer, preparing to go to Bucharest for a degree and hand making 7 advent calendars (I finally realized people around me were right. They're too many!). Aaaaand on top of all this, counseling kids, parents and teachers every day and doing all the other things my job involves. You'd say it's easy peasy, right? Cos I love my job, but somehow, I donno how, every time I get home I'm sooo tired and worn out that I'm not even in the mood for the calendars. And there's just one week left (ouch!). No worries. I'll make it work and I'll learn. Settle for less next year:) 
   Thing is I've been observing myself this past week and I realized what I learned in school was true: our brain is truly prone to negativity... especially MINE. I had so many things going on lately and my brain chose to see only the bad parts. It was like it was trying to make a puzzle only from the things that "could go wrong", "did go wrong" or "might have gone wrong". And all this because I'm a perfectionist and I can't settle for less than 100%. So it seems that other percentages scare me. They make me think of scenarios that most probably aren't true. They make me doubt myself. 
   I'm a psychologist and I'm not perfect. I have problems, fears, things about me that I wish I could change but I can't. And that scares me the most. I'm not perfect. I'll never be. Some parents will judge me no matter how much I try to help them, kids will never be angels, there will be times when I won't be able to control everything and I'll have to depend on people, money will be scarce and in the middle of all this I need somebody to remind me life goes on and ignorance is bliss. 
   I really wish I could turn off my "caring button" from time to time. But I know that what parents instilled in us during childhood remains with us our whole life. It will be a constant battle, sometimes I'll win, other times I'll lose. I just have to remember to lift my head and go on. Even if I'm bone-tired. 
   Christmas is just around the corner. It's time to get a good night sleep and start fresh tomorrow. The awesomest month is approaching!

ZzzzZzzzz,
D.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

When I'm gone


   Dear diary,

   I had so much to chew upon these last days, but the most striking thing that still follows me like a shadow is this girl's death. She was a 26 year old blogger, a writer to a fashion magazine, a woman, a girl, a beautiful being. And it's sad to use the past when talking about her. Even if I never knew her in person and I barely discovered her blog right the night before she passed away, I put myself in her shoes from the first line I read on her blog. I identified myself with her because of how and what she used to write. And I agree with her: "I am sure life is a big fat lesson". So now I ask myself: "What if it were me instead of her?" "What if today I'm crafting my Advent calendars and tomorrow something happens and ... Boom. I'm just not here anymore." 
   You know, people keep telling us life is short, but we live like we're immortal. After this blogger's episode I feel like waking up from a long dream and realizing life IS short. Freakin' short. And if you think about it, so many people don't fully live their age. We listen to society pushing us here and there, being this way or that way, doing this or that, but who are we really? 
   Here I am, folding paper and enjoying it. I love crafting. And I love the fact that I discovered it now, while I'm 25, not married and without kids. I am well aware that when the time will be right, I won't have the free time I have now. So why does society keep pressing us to move on with the tide when we want to wait for the right tide? 
   I want to enjoy every age and dream out loud. And when I die I want to die smiling. Knowing that I did everything I could to enjoy life at its best, love people, heal people and the world around me. Life is short. Even if we get to reach 70.
  Let's fully enjoy our age and later on be happy at the memory of every step taken. Let's be thankful for every little thing we have in our life. Better yet, let's be thankful for what we don't have as well. Because everything happens for a reason and "life is a big fat lesson"...

D.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Dreamers


   Dear diary,

      Will we ever learn? Or will we keep making the same mistakes over and over again? 
   Will we ever choose the important over the urgent? The need over the want? Tomorrow over now? Will we choose right? 
   I'm back to square one because I chose now over tomorrow (again). And things might get out of control. But I'm telling myself they don't have to go exactly how I planned them. That I can always change, twist and bend to make it okay in the end and that my friends and family can help when everything else fails. Yep. I should remember that. I donno why they keep teaching us to succeed by ourselves. We're never alone, like they say. Not when we're born, nor when we die. 
   In the end, I guess we're dreamers who enjoy breaking the rules. Ones who know tomorrow might never come. Isn't life short anyhow? So why not take advantage of it while we still can? Why not make mistakes and challenge ourselves to fix them afterwards?:) It can be a useful process. 


With love,

The one who thinks she has everything under control 
and is always mistaken

P.S. I decided to stop making a schedule about when to write. I'll try to make it once a week, but nothing's final. I want my memories to be powerful, not just any random thing that happens. So, I guess you understand.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Advent in progress



   Dear diary,

   I know I didn't write to you when I was supposed to, but these past days I got caught in something so beautiful, amazing and creative it got all my attention. I didn't do anything else but plan and organize the Advent Calendars for 7 of my closest friends:) I can't wait to get to work! 
   The thing is that this is the first year I'm doing this. Funny how every year I stumbled upon it and I never understood its purpose but I never thought about looking it up. I guess we keep learning all our life. The beautiful thing is that it came in the right moment. You know I already started looking for Christmas decorations but that's just for me. This thingie... this is about paying the Christmas spirit forward. And making people happy. And inspiring them. I can't tell you how happy this idea made me feel when I finally understood what it meant and how enthusiastic I am now while planning it. Like I told my mom the other day, it makes me feel like competing in a terrific crafting contest:D 
   Actually I want to tell you something. I feel the need to be thankful today. First, I'm thankful for those people who planned a vacation in the middle of the semester cos this way I get to have 2 free days (Thank God!) Then I'm really thankful for the people who invented the Advent Calendar. I know it comes from Germany. God bless Germans! Third, I want to thank the awesome people who posted online so many free Advent templates that we can print, craft and decorate. Yesterday I behaved exactly like a kid on Christmas morning. I was soooo happy to discover so many beautiful ideas that I can put into practice for my friends:) I... just.. LOVE it! I love the idea of an Advent Calendar which helps you get into the Christmas spirit with those little things that can change your whole day:) ... or even your whole month:) 
   Dear diary, I donno about other people, but even though I don't particularly love winter, Christmas is DEFINITELY my time of the year and not those 3 days in particular but the whole month and a half that precedes it:) This Christmas fever makes me forget about anything that might worry me. And the Advent calendar is the best way of making Christmas gifts. Because this way, instead of getting something big that you might not like all that much, you get little pieces of a terrific Christmas to be:)
   I don't think there are enough words in the English vocabulary to describe how I feel right now. It's that feeling when you find exactly what you were looking for. The thing that completely describes you. Do you know what I mean?:) You do, don't you?

Until next time,

Advent(ian) love,
D.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Halloweenish


 Dear diary,

   It's November already and I can feel it all around:) Foggy weather, crisp air, more and more naked trees and the most beautiful leaves ever laying on the ground. 
   It's that time of the year I longed for during a whole year: the preparation time. The walking around shops and staring at the beautiful Christmas decorations then being confused about which ones to buy. The looking forward time. The best time of the year:) 
   But until that period is in full bloom (I already bought some Christmas balls already, yay!) let's talk a little about Halloween. I know there are so many people out there believing Halloween is something bad for you, something deranged and deviant. But, really: how could a funny costume party make your life worse?:) I guess it depends on how you see it. Some say pumpkins should be for Thanksgiving not for something so mundane and weird as Halloween. I say pumpkins have many uses and it's up to you which one you choose. In the end, going to a costume party or decorating it with such a joy is everything you might need to feel whole, to feel a child again. And don't we all miss that already? Then why not do it? Why pretend to be a know-it-all? I'm sick and tired of people telling me what to think, feel or do. I love Halloween. And I love it because I can decorate it and because for one night we can pretend to be a whole new character and that's fun. 
   So I'm sorry for you people, the ones who hate Halloween, but I had the time of my life preparing the decorations and putting them up. I loved the result and my friends loved it just as much!
   I was a cat this year. It's funny how I felt the need to go from spooky to feminine and playful. Who knows what next year's gonna bring? 
   ... Until then, love whatever makes you feel whole!:) It's the only thing that will help you go on no matter what. And we all know life can be freaky sometimes. Just get out your claws and fight back!:)

 Meow,
D.