Christmas Past, Present and Future

   Dear diary,

   It's Christmas day again. That time of the year when I'm filled with both sadness and joy: sadness cos I can't believe a whole year has passed already and joy because I can witness the most wonderful time of the year again:) The one I was looking forward to since January, the same one that allows me to be a kid no matter the age. 

   This year's been different for me, though. The Advent calendar changed the whole equation and brought more magic in my life. I never thought something so small and humble could do such a difference:) The planning and crafting and then the daily tasks... it definitely put me in the Christmas mood! I used to be sad, bored, or worried. The Advent calendar wiped away all of that and it replaced it with enthusiasm, anticipation and joy. I'm almost on the verge of crying because I realize today's the last day of this special gift called Advent. Such a terrific thing, involving so much dedication, passion and love, more than you thought you had, more than you thought you could give away. The Advent makes you a crafter, a loving, nurturing and thoughtful being. Everybody should experience it: giving and receiving love in the most innocent way possible:)

   The past Christmases have been beautiful, as long as I was a child. Then it all turned into a must and it somehow lost its feeling while growing up. This year I feel mature enough to know how to make the difference and how to keep the spirit alive: it all comes down to letting yourself enjoy the little things. Live Christmas exactly like kids do. And that's what the Advent brought along:) I'm sure the future Christmases will be just as beautiful as this one: with love, peace, joy, family, friends and a lot of creativity (Advent included). Because in the end that's what makes the difference. Letting yourself be a kid no matter the age while celebrating the birth of the most miraculous child on Earth:) 

   I know... it didn't snow this year. But I brought snow inside:) And now, happiness is all around. In my eyes and in the eyes of everyone who gazed at my Christmas tree. What more could I wish for?

Feeling the Christmas magic,

D.

My December

   Dear diary,

   My December's been crazy so far: Advent calendars to open, tasks to accomplish, work in the kindergarten, prepare for an exam and a long trip to Bucharest. I felt taken away in a fast carousel that I could barely keep up with. I had moments (still do) when I wished I could have paused time so that I could have enjoyed every day left till Christmas because each year I get the feeling that time passes too fast in December. 

    So I went to Bucharest:) It's been a trip that came at the perfect moment cos I've never seen it in December. Never seen its lights, its fairs, its gifts and treasures. And you know how much I love Christmas and traveling.

   At first I had to solve the exam thingie. So I took my friend and tried to find an address in a huge city I didn't know. What did I do? I asked around. Cos Google maps drops my phone battery like crazy. The exam experience was way better than I anticipated. Those people really liked what I was telling them. They were smiling and enjoying it and we had such a pleasant conversation. You know how oral exams are. You go out and people ask you: "How was it?" and then you say "Okay, I guess." I told them "It was GREAT!" while grinning. How many people do that?

   Then, after checking the Must Do thing in the big city, there came visiting my dear friends and a planned journey to see the Christmas lights. But somewhere among all those I got time to observe and think. Bucharest seems to have a completely different culture than Cluj. They have a funny accent, they react and behave differently, they are... a different species. And as much as I loved riding the subway it was sooo weird to get confused every time I had to change it. No worries, Bucharest people looked just as confused. How weird is that? So I decided. I wouldn't move to the capital even if I got a big, fat salary. I love my dear city. It's easy, comfy and it has everything I need in it. Including family, friends, boyfriend, dream job and everything else. 

   On the other hand, Bucharest had awesome things as well: wonderful friends, amazing Christmas lights, yummy fairs and a lot of experiences waiting to be lived. I bought the cheapest books, the cutest decorations and I received the best Advent calendar! Not to mention the happy tears of listening to a friend playing the piano on notes of Debussy or singing Adele. 

   It was a perfect experience: the sound of the train, scary people, cute people, warm people, helpful people, crowds everywhere, lights, lights, lights, mulled wine, comfy dizziness, Advent, happy tears, life stories on the train. It was my December or at least the first half of it:) 

In or out

   No, this won't be another post about the Advent Calendar. Everything is working just fine with it, everybody's happy and we all feel Christmas more close to our hearts than ever. Today I want to talk about discovering both the bliss of feeling detached and the utter discomfort of feeling too involved in a situation. 

   Life often takes us by surprise and we have no idea where that is gonna go but what's important is knowing that we weren't born ready. We learned it on the way. And if we don't know how to detach ourselves from the problem, we need to keep going until we do. It's not going to be a revelation and many times it feels like it's impossible, but with the help of rational friends, movies and books it can be done. 

   These days I saw a lot of worried people around me, people who got so involved in a little thing that it began to grow and grow that in the end it affected everybody around them. I was detached. And it felt good. But then, even though I was proud of feeling detached in that situation, I got so involved in a little, unimportant thing... until I realized it happened and it made me think. We often believe we can control everything. Thing is... we don't! Not everything. So we should just let it be and not judge it when it happens. Go with the flow and see where it leads us. Learn to detach ourselves from unimportant things and only involve in the big ones. And even then, learn where we can help and step back when we can't.

   This isn't the "ignorance is bliss" thingie, it's about knowing when to step in and out. Knowing there's a bigger picture we have to see and train ourselves to see that instead of focusing on one tiny detail on the map.
   So, are you in or out?

My little Advent game

   4 weeks, 27 days, 7 Advent calendars, 175 individual things. It was all a blast, sometimes a pain in the ass, but nevertheless, the awesomest crafting project I took in.

   Like I previously said, I saw chocolate Advent calendars in shops but never really understood the rules and its purpose. This year I researched it and plunged into not one, but 7 handmade Advent calendars. I made a list of the people I thought would want to take part into this beautiful idea, this little game that makes us feel Christmas for 24 days, before it's even here. Luckily they all accepted to craft and share an Advent calendar. 

   And so the Advent adventure began... this game that brings happiness on people's face, the game that makes you feel loved, appreciated, taken into consideration. The game that makes you feel like a kid again. One that can't wait for tomorrow's task or treat, one that knows how to enjoy the Advent calendar at its best. 

   Stage one after deciding I want to do this was RESEARCH all the possible ideas of crafting such calendars. I found amazing printables that people were so kind to share for free. I found wonderful ideas of tasks that are meant to make you sweep in the Christmas mood all month long:)

   Stage two was ENTHUSIASM. I was sooo thrilled about finding a different Advent calendar idea for each of my recipients and about coming up with special tasks that I knew would make people happy. I could already see their happy face when they would each receive their special Advent calendar carefully made with such love and passion:) I was in the 9th cloud all along the first 2 weeks. Work... craft... work... craft! And I loved it all!

   Stage three was FRUSTRATION. And all this because I had some difficulties in crafting one of the ideas... for my boyfriend! It wouldn't turn out the way I wanted it to be and I would be so frustrated each time I had to work on it. But thank God, it all ended and it was all okay.

   Stage four was FATIGUE. After two weeks and 4 calendars down (including a frustrating one) I began to feel knocked down. I needed to finish all the 7 calendars and 7 handmade Christmas cards by December 1st so my nights became white and my days became sleepy. I had days when I went to sleep at 9 PM and days when I wasn't in the mood for crafting. Even so, every time I looked at the final products a big grin could be seen on my face:)

   Stage five and the last one was PRIDE. Why? Because I did it. It's December 1st and all my calendars are done, the Christmas cards included:) I already gave away 4 of them, 3 more to go:) Can't wait to see my friends smile and can't wait to hear their joyful feedback on each day of the Calendar. 

   All in all, the Advent calendar is such an amazing opportunity for all those Christmas lovers out there! It's the wonderful gesture of thinking about others and involving all your attention in a little, tiny game of love:)

   

It's December already and I can't believe it. Let the Advent adventure truly begin! Let's do tasks and enjoy treats! Let's feel Christmas all around us! <3

P.S. Here are the final results for my 7 Advent calendars (and how my desk looked like for the whole month):

The twisted labyrinth

   Dear diary,

   My life is a twisted labyrinth. I'll never understand myself completely and it's been a while since we're hanging together. You'd say ups and downs are natural but I don't know if at this rate. 

   After getting on Worry Lane I turned left and fell in a dark pit. It feels lonely down here. I recognize this weird place and I remember managing to get out of it. I just don't feel strong enough to get out just yet. It's that place where you fall every time you remember you're a healer and you give yourself completely to others every day but you receive just a little back. You feel emotionally drained. Unloved. And burdens coming all over you. Then you wake up and feel like you're all alone. So you try to shut it off and stop giving so much but you can't. You just can't be something else than what you were born to be. So you go on being your true self. Because that's what you know best. You close your eyes, shed a tear or two and keep on giving knowing that one day the sun will shine again. 

   Dear diary, I'm looking forward to seeing the sun. Maybe this way I'll climb on a ray and get out of this pit. Who knows what's gonna be next? Hopefully a cheerful street.

All by myself,

D.

The monsters within

   Dear diary,

   These past days I've been too tired to think... stressed with the registration for a big exam next summer, preparing to go to Bucharest for a degree and hand making 7 advent calendars (I finally realized people around me were right. They're too many!). Aaaaand on top of all this, counseling kids, parents and teachers every day and doing all the other things my job involves. You'd say it's easy peasy, right? Cos I love my job, but somehow, I donno how, every time I get home I'm sooo tired and worn out that I'm not even in the mood for the calendars. And there's just one week left (ouch!). No worries. I'll make it work and I'll learn. Settle for less next year:) 

   Thing is I've been observing myself this past week and I realized what I learned in school was true: our brain is truly prone to negativity... especially MINE. I had so many things going on lately and my brain chose to see only the bad parts. It was like it was trying to make a puzzle only from the things that "could go wrong", "did go wrong" or "might have gone wrong". And all this because I'm a perfectionist and I can't settle for less than 100%. So it seems that other percentages scare me. They make me think of scenarios that most probably aren't true. They make me doubt myself. 

   I'm a psychologist and I'm not perfect. I have problems, fears, things about me that I wish I could change but I can't. And that scares me the most. I'm not perfect. I'll never be. Some parents will judge me no matter how much I try to help them, kids will never be angels, there will be times when I won't be able to control everything and I'll have to depend on people, money will be scarce and in the middle of all this I need somebody to remind me life goes on and ignorance is bliss. 

   I really wish I could turn off my "caring button" from time to time. But I know that what parents instilled in us during childhood remains with us our whole life. It will be a constant battle, sometimes I'll win, other times I'll lose. I just have to remember to lift my head and go on. Even if I'm bone-tired. 

   Christmas is just around the corner. It's time to get a good night sleep and start fresh tomorrow. The awesomest month is approaching!

ZzzzZzzzz,

D.

When I'm gone

   Dear diary,

   I had so much to chew upon these last days, but the most striking thing that still follows me like a shadow is this girl's death. She was a 26 year old blogger, a writer to a fashion magazine, a woman, a girl, a beautiful being. And it's sad to use the past when talking about her. Even if I never knew her in person and I barely discovered her blog right the night before she passed away, I put myself in her shoes from the first line I read on her blog. I identified myself with her because of how and what she used to write. And I agree with her: "I am sure life is a big fat lesson". So now I ask myself: "What if it were me instead of her?" "What if today I'm crafting my Advent calendars and tomorrow something happens and ... Boom. I'm just not here anymore." 

   You know, people keep telling us life is short, but we live like we're immortal. After this blogger's episode I feel like waking up from a long dream and realizing life IS short. Freakin' short. And if you think about it, so many people don't fully live their age. We listen to society pushing us here and there, being this way or that way, doing this or that, but who are we really? 

   Here I am, folding paper and enjoying it. I love crafting. And I love the fact that I discovered it now, while I'm 25, not married and without kids. I am well aware that when the time will be right, I won't have the free time I have now. So why does society keep pressing us to move on with the tide when we want to wait for the right tide? 

   I want to enjoy every age and dream out loud. And when I die I want to die smiling. Knowing that I did everything I could to enjoy life at its best, love people, heal people and the world around me. Life is short. Even if we get to reach 70.
  Let's fully enjoy our age and later on be happy at the memory of every step taken. Let's be thankful for every little thing we have in our life. Better yet, let's be thankful for what we don't have as well. Because everything happens for a reason and "life is a big fat lesson"...

D.

Dreamers

   Dear diary,

      Will we ever learn? Or will we keep making the same mistakes over and over again? 

   Will we ever choose the important over the urgent? The need over the want? Tomorrow over now? Will we choose right? 

   I'm back to square one because I chose now over tomorrow (again). And things might get out of control. But I'm telling myself they don't have to go exactly how I planned them. That I can always change, twist and bend to make it okay in the end and that my friends and family can help when everything else fails. Yep. I should remember that. I donno why they keep teaching us to succeed by ourselves. We're never alone, like they say. Not when we're born, nor when we die. 

   In the end, I guess we're dreamers who enjoy breaking the rules. Ones who know tomorrow might never come. Isn't life short anyhow? So why not take advantage of it while we still can? Why not make mistakes and challenge ourselves to fix them afterwards?:) It can be a useful process. 

With love,

The one who thinks she has everything under control 

and is always mistaken

P.S. I decided to stop making a schedule about when to write. I'll try to make it once a week, but nothing's final. I want my memories to be powerful, not just any random thing that happens. So, I guess you understand.

Advent in progress

   Dear diary,

   I know I didn't write to you when I was supposed to, but these past days I got caught in something so beautiful, amazing and creative it got all my attention. I didn't do anything else but plan and organize the Advent Calendars for 7 of my closest friends:) I can't wait to get to work! 

   The thing is that this is the first year I'm doing this. Funny how every year I stumbled upon it and I never understood its purpose but I never thought about looking it up. I guess we keep learning all our life. The beautiful thing is that it came in the right moment. You know I already started looking for Christmas decorations but that's just for me. This thingie... this is about paying the Christmas spirit forward. And making people happy. And inspiring them. I can't tell you how happy this idea made me feel when I finally understood what it meant and how enthusiastic I am now while planning it. Like I told my mom the other day, it makes me feel like competing in a terrific crafting contest:D 

   Actually I want to tell you something. I feel the need to be thankful today. First, I'm thankful for those people who planned a vacation in the middle of the semester cos this way I get to have 2 free days (Thank God!) Then I'm really thankful for the people who invented the Advent Calendar. I know it comes from Germany. God bless Germans! Third, I want to thank the awesome people who posted online so many free Advent templates that we can print, craft and decorate. Yesterday I behaved exactly like a kid on Christmas morning. I was soooo happy to discover so many beautiful ideas that I can put into practice for my friends:) I... just.. LOVE it! I love the idea of an Advent Calendar which helps you get into the Christmas spirit with those little things that can change your whole day:) ... or even your whole month:) 

   Dear diary, I donno about other people, but even though I don't particularly love winter, Christmas is DEFINITELY my time of the year and not those 3 days in particular but the whole month and a half that precedes it:) This Christmas fever makes me forget about anything that might worry me. And the Advent calendar is the best way of making Christmas gifts. Because this way, instead of getting something big that you might not like all that much, you get little pieces of a terrific Christmas to be:)

   I don't think there are enough words in the English vocabulary to describe how I feel right now. It's that feeling when you find exactly what you were looking for. The thing that completely describes you. Do you know what I mean?:) You do, don't you?

Until next time,

Advent(ian) love,

D.

Halloweenish

 Dear diary,

   It's November already and I can feel it all around:) Foggy weather, crisp air, more and more naked trees and the most beautiful leaves ever laying on the ground. 

   It's that time of the year I longed for during a whole year: the preparation time. The walking around shops and staring at the beautiful Christmas decorations then being confused about which ones to buy. The looking forward time. The best time of the year:) 

   But until that period is in full bloom (I already bought some Christmas balls already, yay!) let's talk a little about Halloween. I know there are so many people out there believing Halloween is something bad for you, something deranged and deviant. But, really: how could a funny costume party make your life worse?:) I guess it depends on how you see it. Some say pumpkins should be for Thanksgiving not for something so mundane and weird as Halloween. I say pumpkins have many uses and it's up to you which one you choose. In the end, going to a costume party or decorating it with such a joy is everything you might need to feel whole, to feel a child again. And don't we all miss that already? Then why not do it? Why pretend to be a know-it-all? I'm sick and tired of people telling me what to think, feel or do. I love Halloween. And I love it because I can decorate it and because for one night we can pretend to be a whole new character and that's fun. 

   So I'm sorry for you people, the ones who hate Halloween, but I had the time of my life preparing the decorations and putting them up. I loved the result and my friends loved it just as much!

   I was a cat this year. It's funny how I felt the need to go from spooky to feminine and playful. Who knows what next year's gonna bring? 

   ... Until then, love whatever makes you feel whole!:) It's the only thing that will help you go on no matter what. And we all know life can be freaky sometimes. Just get out your claws and fight back!:)

 Meow,

D.

Inspired

Dear diary,

   I finally figured it out. I'm not going cuckoo, I'm not bipolar and I'm not regressing to childhood. Nope. I'm INSPIRED by autumn. It's the multitude of colors, shades and the incredible light that inspires me to create. This autumn's been milder than others and its warm, sunny days and all the colorful leaves set me into the right mood for being artsie:) As a matter of fact, I surely not intend to stop here. I'm looking forward for November and I hope it'll be as sweet as in the movie:) 

   No wise saying today. I just want to enjoy this beautiful autumn while it lasts. (You and I both know how much I can't wait to go binge shopping for Christmas balls :D Today I counted the ones I have by now. Two more weeks till Christmas will start being all over the shops. Weeeeeeeeee!)

In love (with autumn),

D.

P.S. Here's my last creation :)

The oddball

   I know, you're going through that weird period in your life when your folks wants you to get married and start a family of your own instead of crafting your Halloween outfit, button trees and colored collages. 

   Yeah, you better get used to it. You're 25 and you're still a kid. And an artist. They think you're odd and they laugh when you say that out loud, but in your heart you already know that's gonna stick with you your whole life. You'll play along with your kids, you'll pick clothes, toys and DIY projects together, you'll create as long as you're breathing. Because the Creator himself gave you a little bit of him wrapped up in a sparkly gift tied up with a huge bow. You can't refuse that, can you now? How could you when the internet is full of awesome, brilliant, magnificent ideas and DIY creative projects you can't wait to dive into?:) 

   You're an artist. And that's more than a job you leave behind when you exit that door. It's imprinted in your skin and you'll wear it forever. Your own beautiful tattoo. 

   So let them speak. Let them laugh. You just keep playing a different game each day:) Feed that kid and don't ever let him grow up!:) Hear me?

Roller coasting

   Have you ever ridden a roller coaster? If you have then you know there are two options while on it: either madly laugh or scream in fear. The ride isn't smooth and you know it. There are plenty exciting going ups and just as many steep going downs. At the end of the ride, you go home bearing that photo that reminds you of your adventure. Will you be sitting somewhere alone, frightened and with a dreadful look on your face? Or will you be holding tight onto someone next to you or maybe even on that safety equipment but bear a huge grin on your face?

   Life is always going up and down. In fact, you're in a perpetual roller coaster since you're born whether you want it or not. But how you react to it and to the lack of control is what decides what happens next. You can give into that fear that bursts into your body when going down or you can close your eyes and enjoy the ride knowing that whatever happens everything will be OK in the end. 

   Sometimes... okay, many times in our life we lose control. How do you react? Do you get scared, blame someone for it and then become angry with that someone? Will anger solve your problems? Why not let it be and enjoy the things you can control? 

   I wonder why we give into fear and anger so easily... Some say it's because we don't trust ourselves and we have a low self esteem, that when we lose control while having a low self esteem it seems like the ground is shifting beneath our feet... so we start getting angry to regain that control. But that anger is just a mere illusion:) What do you think? How do you react when you can't control things?

I want you to know

   On this sunny October day I want you to know that life is never perfect, but it's always beautiful.

   That it goes on no matter how hard the journey might seem. You'll need your friends to ease that up, but you can make it.

    That you always have options. Even when you think you don't.

   That people don't change, their needs do. And sometimes there's nothing you can do to make them happy anymore. But that only means your job there is done and you have to go somewhere else and make other people happy.

   That when you're sure something will happen, life takes you by surprise and you have to move on with it... or you'll be left behind. 

   That things never last for a lifetime but they can be fixed. Or replaced.

   That people want you to listen and you want them to listen as well. Do that by taking turns or you'll end up in a mess you created yourself.

   That great effort is always rewarded. If not by others at least by yourself. You'll feel awesome!

   That you'll want your days to be longer but they'll always seem too short. Pick whatever will help you say "What an awesome day!" when you go to sleep.

   That you won't understand everything that happens to you. But you don't have to. Accept everything that comes in your life. There will be times when you'll be frustrated, but remember, there's a lesson for you at every corner.

    That you can always find a reason to be grateful. You just have to close your eyes and think.

   That there are hundreds or thousands of books written exactly for you that are waiting to be discovered. Look for them and they'll reveal themselves to you.

   That lost time doesn't come back so think about leaving something behind. Memories, photos, diaries. Record your life somewhere. You'll be thankful to rediscover it in some years.

   That money don't bring happiness. It's all in your head. You can craft or recycle instead of buying. Just use your imagination.

   That people need to be reminded how important they are to you. So let them know. 

   That if you want something, want it badly and it will come true. Be careful what you wish for, though. 

   That fear, guilt and anger will only bring bad consequences. Be at peace with yourself and with others. 

    That life is worth being explored, enjoyed, lived to the fullest. So do it! Do it now!:)

Push your luck

   Everybody's telling you to stop pushing your luck, huh? I know. I've been there too:) I even said it a few times myself. But today I discovered that if you want to get something, then boy you should go running for it. 

   I know, it sounds so cliche and tumblr written with Helvetica all over it. But it's not just the running that should make it, it's pushing your luck, really. I know, you know, everybody knows that we all long for something but sometimes we just don't wish it hard enough. Or maybe we're too scared that it might not turn out the way we want it to. Heck, forget the fear, GO for it! If it makes you feel awesome, why keep rain checking? Make it sunny already! Push your luck! 

   I pushed my luck today and guess what happened. The Universe did the rest and today was the awesomest day this month:) I kept meeting awesome people, I hugged, I smiled, I grinned with enthusiasm and then I stared in wonder. The Universe does give you what you want if you know how to ask for it:) 

   So, work it, help it, push your luck!:) See what happens! You can't be less happy than I was today, I'll give you that!;)

P.S. This is one of my main reasons of happiness right here (yup, another 365 days project, but this one I'm not sharing shhh:) )

The unexpected card

   "Close your eyes and pick one. Which one's gonna be? Now open them. Ta-raaaa!"
    Every day you pick a card from the deck. You have no idea what's waiting for you. You make plans and you know what the weather's gonna be like, but who knows if things are gonna go your way and not theirs?:)

   Maybe one day your card will bring you back to your childhood cos you'll eat the chocolate your uncle used to bring you when you were a kid, the yummiest thing ever. The next day your card might show you that you have to fight like an adult for what you want, make plans and organize and on the third day you might have to cancel them and play baby again cos you'll be sick and in need of affection. 

   My life's unexpected and I learned to like its ups and downs. But most of it, I like the fact that I have people around me who are willing to sing me "Soft kitty" when I'm sick and hug me as much as I need:) Yep, life takes me by surprise every day and yet I like this game. I wonder what tomorrow's card will bring:) 

The same steps

   People hurry all in one direction. They know where they're going. Or at least they think they do. In fact, nobody knows. We're all heading towards a destination instilled in us, somewhere we can't deny. Sometimes we stop along the way and we wonder: "Is this the right direction for me? I think I want to turn around." But even if we do, we eventually end up where we once were. I told you. It's instilled in us. 

   We're all walking the same road towards the same destination. Some walk it faster others take their time, but the steps are the same. And we're all bearing the fruits of our lost love. The holes. Microscopic or not, they are all there. Pieces of us that were stolen by him and her and him again. For those we received in exchange patches of the ones who lost us. People who fell without us asking for it. And this is how we're all walking on the road towards It with holes and patches. Blind and ignorant. We couldn't move on if we wouldn't be like that.  

   Sometimes a scent reminds us of one of the holes and we sigh. But there's no going back after we pass the golden bridge. Just straight ahead. And it's funny how sometimes we feel like strangers in our own life. Strangers who walk and walk and walk... towards The Great Unknown. All following the same steps.

Read me

   I'm no compromises, half measures and fake smiles. I give myself completely and I often lose everything. I love deeply but I never hate. And I don't know about you, but I don't like sleeping because there are so many things to enjoy wide awake. 

   I'm a lazy Sunday morning between warm sheets, a sunny autumn afternoon in the park, a starry night by the countryside. 

   I'm a loving puppy, a fearful deer, a white dove, a phoenix bird. If money wouldn't exist, you could pay me in hugs and kisses and I'd be just as happy. 

   I'm the breathtaking view on the peak of the mountain, the deepest ocean and those amazing fluffy clouds on a perfect day. 

   I'm that book with the terrific scent, the cover that makes you fall in love and the story as old as the world and still true nowadays. The story you love reading, the one that makes you forget who you are and what you're looking for. 

   I'm a child's giggle, a teenager's dreams and a mother's devotion. I'm everything and nothing altogether. The kind of nothingness you need in your life to be grateful you lived. 

   I am what you need when you're vulnerable, what you want when you're empty, what you're longing for when you're sad. 

   I am you and you are me. 

Everything happens for a reason

   These past days I learned that when life gives you lemons you should say "It's time for tequila!":) 

   It's still hard for me to accept everything and take it as it comes every time, you know? Disappointment and high expectations... I'm still dealing with those. I was told again that life doesn't have to be the way I want it to and that it can still make me happy in my most hopeless moments:) 

   I got to meet my dearest friends in a getaway at Halmeu these past days. It wasn't supposed to happen. I was to be the only one not going actually and I wasn't looking forward to that. So when I found out I would go, I was ecstatic. Cos between priceless moments with my dear ones, there was a wonderful vintage window I wanted to explore way more than I did last time I saw it. So naturally I've done some extensive research on appropriate outfits and photo ideas. I was ready. As ready as I'd ever be. I was looking forward to that moment like a kid on Christmas morning... Only it didn't happen. When we got to the awesome house we realized that the 3 years that passed since our last visit have damaged the house so much that we couldn't get inside. Or that if we did, the roof would have kept us in forever. I was upset. And hopeless. All my ideas were useless at the moment and what hurt the most was that I had to forget about the window I was seeing in front of my eyes just because I couldn't reach it. You know those weird dreams when you want to touch something so much but no matter how much you try you can't do it? Mhm, I was there. Between sighs I decided to take shots of the window alone because it was just too beautiful to move away. And then I was hopeless for the rest of the day. But life has an interesting way of turning things around and the next day I was taken some shots around the beautiful sceneries. And this is how I got to a photo of myself on a windowsill. THE windowsill:)

   Everything happens for a reason:) Even rain and awesome book events like "1010 ways of buying a book without money" on a gloomy 1st of October. 

It's autumn and we know it. But at least we got awesome books to go with it:)

Live it up

   I know, I said it before. Various times. But it came back to me so I guess it's a never ending lesson we have to learn again and again our whole life: Live it up. Take all the opportunities that show up on your way, be it an awesome light on a lazy Sunday, a donating books event in your city or the opportunity to help a kid do his homework. 

   Don't be lazy! That tv show will always be there, but some chances don't show up twice:) (Remember the color fight?:D) You just have to surpass your fear of being judged. You feel glamorous and want to take some selfies? Do it! You feel like walking in the nature but all your friends are busy? Take your camera and go enjoy yourself. You want to start a project but you're afraid you'll never have enough time? Believe me, you CAN do anything you want to do. Just do it:) You'll see how happy that thing will make you feel. 
   If I learned something in my life it's that we have to conquer our fears and focus on being happy. Because in the end, that's what keeps us going, right?:) But there's this trick:

   So do whatever makes you happy and do this exercise an awesome teacher gave us: write down every day 3 things that made you happy. Do it for a week. See how your life changes when you acknowledge there ARE things that make you happy every day. So why are you sad then?:) Start being happy and take all the opportunities that make you want to shout "I love life"! Say YES more often! Live it up!:)

Go wild

   I've been creative all week. I never knew putting an idea into practice takes so much time and dedication, though... well, at least if you're a perfectionist like me, it will:) 

   I started my creative days with this activity where I had to talk about emotion recognition with my kindergarten kids so I initially planned to ask them to draw their present emotion. But then I thought to myself "Hey, why not ask them to draw it on a leaf?" then "Wow, I could actually make a tree of emotions. If they're all happy it's gonna be a happy autumn tree!":) And so it was. I had to cut a whole LOAD of leaves for 3 consecutive days (given the 120 kids I wanted to involve in this activity) but it was all worth it:) Then I had to print 3 tree trunks and paint them and then start working on the beautiful autumn trees:) I'm glad to say all my kids said they were happy at the moment of our activity so all my trees are Happy:) Yaaay!:) This is how the trees look like:

   Then today, as being the baking day, I decided to make some donuts and play with toppings:) So many wild ideas popped in my head and I'm so happy my mom didn't judge me at all:) She joined in my funny creative process and we had a blast all the way:)

   At the end of the week I realized that the awesome thing about working in a kindergarten is that I can ALWAYS go wild with my creativity and I'll fit right in without anyone suspecting anything about me being "childish":) So I can't be anything but full of joy at the thought of a whole school year awaiting for new awesome ideas:) Bring it on!

Not a girl, not yet a woman

   School has officially started and I find myself caught in the middle of an emotional carousel: longing, melancholy, nostalgia all slowly mixed together in a tiny jar. 

   I go to work every morning and I see kids and teens going to school and I remember: I miss being in high school, being a student:) And this is when that universal saying comes true. When you're a kid all you want is to grow up already and by the time you're a grown up you just wanna go running back to childhood... or adolescence, as awkward as that might sound. 

   Yeah, sure, teenage period was kinda weird and difficult to handle because you want so many things but your hands are tied while you have no idea who you are and what you're actually looking for:) But man, that journey of discovering the world and myself was awesome! Having more friendships that I could handle, discovering photography and writing, learning that I love psychology. It all happened back then. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:) 

   I miss those times and as much as I know that every stage of life should be enjoyed for its particular benefits, I can't help myself, really:) I just see them so sleepy and confused, chatting out loud with their friends, taking life NOT seriously and it makes me smile:) I was once like them. And now I'm here. Who would have thought?:) 

   I used to love this expression while I was a teen: "not a girl, not yet a woman". Well, a woman sometimes misses being in between:) Because life isn't as metaphorical and full of sense as we think it is. Many times it's just random. And we give it meaning by finding role models around us. People who inspire us, who, through their stories, help us understand that even if random, life is worth living and that longing is a natural feeling. (I love you, Kirsty Mitchell! Thank you for showing me that!) 

   So I'll miss school some more days and then I'll go back to playing with the kids:) Because adult life is just as awesome for me:) I'm that lucky!

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* Kirsty Mitchell is one of my favorite photographers. She puts life in a box and takes amazing photos of it while playing with the toys inside:) I can only aspire to resemble her sometime:)

The clean up

   You wake up and you look outside only to see it's cloudy again... A lot of free time on your hands. You're not in the mood to drag your body out of your bed yet so you just linger there and you start contemplating life. Yeah, unlike others, you can just sit in bed and think. You get to the conclusion that the best way to spend this Saturday is to clean up. Autumn is the perfect time for that. 

   You start with things on your phone. A lot of notes of movies you have to see, random thoughts and useless data. You have breakfast and then you start hiding your summery clothes and bringing up the autumn ones. Next. Papers on your desk. So many of them piled up over the last months. And you have no idea how that happened. You stop for a second and realize you're moving slower and slower. You're one with the gloomy weather now. 

   There's something bothering you but you can't really put your finger on it. It's like the dreadful side of autumn got under your skin and now it's controlling your body. You gently take a paper, read it and throw it next to you. You repeat the process until you're surrounded by a big pile of "leaves". You soon cleaned all the trees around you and now the leaves are down there covering the floor with memories you made along the way. Things you'll throw away because you no longer need. 

   Your trees will get new memories next spring. But you'll throw some of them next autumn and the thought of that somehow makes you sad. You'd love to keep all the memories you gathered, all the feelings you invested in. But you know life's not an endless summer. You have to focus and take decisions. What will you throw out? Will you keep things just in case you might need them sometime or will you throw out anything you didn't use in the last month? 

   If it was up to you, you'd keep all the leaves until you had a sea of them in your room. And then you'd float on your own sea of leaves until you got lost in the distance while contemplating life. You'd later wake up on your bed on a sunny autumn day and everything would be perfect again:)

   

The 3 magical days

   "Every miracle lasts only three days", they say. Some days are longer, others are shorter. But somehow miracles end and then you're all by yourself asking if that was just a dream or if it was reality. 

   You already knew that life is a never ending journey across calm seas and harsh mountains. You know the theory. But since you've been traveling on a calm sea for years, it was always hard for you to imagine that sometime you'd have to climb the Everest. And that's simply because you were used to living a comfortable life. All nice and cozy. 

   Your third magical day is now coming to a close and you can feel it. The wind is starting to blow. The sea is slowly becoming agitated and you're borrowing its state. You're starting to tremble in your summery dress and you close your eyes. Black and white gloomy images come into your mind. You will have to continue your journey up until the peak you'll be terrified about. You know you'll want to come back to the amazingly calm sea and clear water, but you also know you won't be able to. Cos the doors behind you will keep closing and you can only go forward. And then you'll want to stop and just lay down for a while and weep. Weep because you miss these carefree summery days, these times when you were just a girl. 

   When you open your eyes you realize you've aged. You're a grown up woman now. That's what autumn does every year. It takes away the innocence and gives back the same sorrows you had last year. She'll keep doing that till you get at peace with your destiny and you accept it. Ups and downs. Happiness and sadness. Sea and mountain. 

   You look away in the distance and you see the waves coming towards you. But you hold on tight and decide to live every day as it comes and enjoy every bit of happiness that's left until the great sorrow. You know the next 3 days will be mundane, cruel, ironic, anything but magical, but you remember you've been through this before and you prevailed. So you take a deep breath and shout to the waves: "Come what may, I'm ready!"

Day 365. The big day

   Today's the last day of my daily journey through my first year of adulthood, the year I started working. 

   It was a project I dived into because I wanted to fight the laziness that comes to us artists from time to time. A project to encourage me to take photos and write in spite of having little free time. It wasn't easy. I had to come up with new photos and new posts every day. Some days I had no idea what to write about because nothing special happened to me then but I still had to do my homework so I had to look deep down and find a piece of mind hidden on a forgotten shelf. Yes, a couple of days I thought about postponing or canceling the project but each time my inner voice told me I have to finish what I started. And here I am now.

   This experiment made me look at my life through a magnifying glass and find emotions and thoughts I didn't pay attention to all the time. 

   These past 365 days I had the chance to analyse myself, my reactions and my choices, my worries and my moments of happiness. It was a bildungsroman I got the chance to read while writing it.

   And like any other bildungsroman, I started with 0 work experience, a lot of theoretical information that I wasn't going to use in the kindergarten, questions, doubts and anxieties. 

I felt my hands were tied and my expectations were too high. I was down...

But I knew I loved kids more than anything.

Because when kids smile and they tell you they love you, it's all you need to move on.

I found little things that made my days beautiful and that made my inner photographer really proud.

I always did what I love. I cooked and I baked.

I read a lot. For me and for the exam I had to take this summer. There were books and movies I'll always remember. 

And a lot of movie like moments. 

I spent a lot of time in the middle of the nature. I saw sunrises, sunsets, gloomy clouds, rain and snow.

Autumn, winter, spring and summer. 

I celebrated Christmas, New Year's Eve and Easter. I finally had the Christmas tree of my dreams.

I gave and received gifts.

I spent precious time with my friends, family and my beloved boyfriend.

 I received an amazing birthday cake from my best friend, I went to my first color fight and I had my first textbook sleepover.

I made new friends. Dogs, cats and people who helped me rediscover my childhood and my adolescence. 

My feet went to a lot of places.

I was sick, sad and worried. I questioned life and existence. I complained.

But each time I fell down, I stood up and moved on stronger.

I learned I still need to work on being patient.

And accepting change.

I learned that I have to fight for what I believe in.

And always find a reason to smile.

That it's good to keep your spirit young especially if you're living an adult life.

Shoot for the stars,

And be creative. 

Love unconditionally,

Be yourself even if the world expects to see something different.

And keep close to whatever makes you happy:)

 It's been a wonderful journey. One that I'm planning to continue. Not daily but still, twice a week. On Tuesdays and Saturdays. 

Thanx for sticking around and reading my posts, supporting me and putting me on the right direction. It was all very helpful:) See you next Tuesday!:)