365 days project 2. Day 60. Happiness through others

   Do you remember the last time you were happy... because of something that happened to someone else? Being happy because they were happy? I experience this every day at work.

   These are just a few examples:

- When the kids are getting enthusiastic because I want to play with them 

'Hey, kids, can I play with lego too?'

'Yeees!' they all say happily. 

'Let me show you how to build a house' one of them says.

'I'm going to show you how to build a garage for the policeman.' a differrent boy adds.

'That sounds really exciting' I say.

The other children in the class watch us curiously.

'Do you want to play too?' I ask them. 'Why don't we build the highest tower ever made out of lego? Do you want to help me?'

And soon all the kids are around the table each helping me build the tower.

-When they are thrilled because I am telling them a story and afterwards I give them a coloring sheet about the story. 

'Did you bring us something to color today, Dana?'

'Yes I did.'

'Oh yeaaaaah!!! Can't wait!' 

-When they all come towards me and hug me in the biggest, tightest group hug ever every time they see me once a week 

   They're all sweethearts and even though they have their bad days when they don't seem to want to obey or follow rules I still love them to bits and their happiness becomes my happiness daily! 

It is done

Dear diary,

   The emotions I feel right now are so strong that I felt I should tell you all about it. It is done. My family and some dear family friends helped us move all Oliver's and my stuff into my grandma's apartment. We worked a whole lot, it was a reaaaally long day but boy have we succeeded to do so many things! 

   My dad asked me earlier today when I started dreaming about this. I said it was at least 10 years ago. It's been so long since I wanted to have my own little place that I can call home. All my close friends got the chance to move out so I was really looking forward to my own experience. 

   I'm a really good planner. The man helping me transport my boxes said so himself. So I've been planning this for as long as my dad gave us the OK. I had a lot of pictures in my head of how I wanted my place to look like. All this inspired by tons of photos I saw on Pinterest and other interior decoration websites. So I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted vintage but classy, romantic but cute, comfy and really cozy. I was really happy when after so many hours of work, I saw that my dream came true today. I really have the best home I could ever have. The surroundings of the block of flats are so relaxing, and the place itself has so much meaning to me. I have a lot of good childhood memories here. And I will also never forget my grandma's eggplant salad. I loved it so much that it made me think: if people remember me for one single thing that I did absolutely wonderfully (like her eggplant salad) then my life would be all worth it. So, even if she was a very simple countryside girl, my grandma did so many good things in her life and educated my dad and me and my brother so well that... here I am today. She was definitely my dearest grandma ever and I am so lucky to have the chance of living in her old apartment. Not to mention the fact that I am 5 minutes away of my former highschool. The one I breathed for, the one I absolutely loved. I am a very sentimental person and when objects or places have a sentimental value, they are really dear to me. So this is why this little apartment is definitely the most wonderful home I could have. I'm crying as we speak, but know, dear diary, that these are tears of joy, of longing and of deep affection. Towards my grandma, my life and everything in it. 

   But there is another side to this story. The one that means that living on my own means living apart from my family. I know we're only 20 minutes away, but the emotional separation is stronger than the actual one. I've never ever lived away from them more than 2 weeks last year during summer camp. So tonight, when they went home I looked at them and started tearing up. I wanted to take a picture of them to remember this very intense moment but for some reason I didn't. I still remember their faces though. My dad was really tired after so much work but my mom was very happy for me. So happy and proud. I will still see them a lot from now on, because I'm a family girl and I can't stay away from them, but this is exactly why it felt so sad to say goodbye to living with them. 

   So now you know how I feel. I'm still crying, but they are still good tears. I'm living my dream and I wouldn't change ANYTHING about when and how things happened. The fact that I moved out now, 4 months after getting engaged to the most wonderful being on Earth, makes it more and more intense. 

   I am living my dreaaaaaaam!

Teary and happy,

D.

Hang in there!

Dear diary,

   I probably told you this before, but now and then I keep having a deep sense of helplessness when I'm at work. I realized that my first year in the kindergarten was very different to this one (the third). Back then I was full of desire, hope and will to change the world/the kindergarten into a better place and help all the needy kids. Now I know I can actually change only 1% of what I wanted back then and that makes me feel really useless sometimes. 

   It's hard to see yourself willing to help but facing the resistance of the parents who don't want to cooperate or are absolutely convinced that their kids are perfectly fine. Just as tough is to see how many kids have permissive parents who let them have everything they want without any rule or boundary. So then, when they come to the kindergarten we face really difficult kids who don't want to obey you at all and who always do the opposite of what they're told. I know, you might say we don't know how to act properly, but believe me, we've tried EVERYTHING and sometimes, in days like this you just collapse. 

   And little by little, I started resembling some of my fellow coworkers' way of thinking. They left the educational system in favor of opening their own private practice because they realized that working in a kindergarten or school doesn't bring you the satisfaction you wished for at first. I don't seriously consider leaving the system yet, but it's funny how in the first year I wouldn't understand them, and now I feel exactly the same. It's very, very tough to be a psychologist that isn't listened to and even harder to be a teacher. It takes all the patience you have and a great deal of work done with yourself in lowering your expectations regarding the kids and their families. 

    But then again, there are days like TODAY, when everything went smoothly. I had great activities with the kids, they were all very involved, willing to cooperate and full of love and for a second there I thought that I might not be changing the whole world, but 1% is a good start.

   So, there you have it. My huge smile today from morning to evening, everywhere I went. I really had a great day and I needed to remind myself that I should hang in there because life has its ups and downs and we all have good days and bad days and I should just keep doing what I love without expecting so much from myself or... the world :)

   By the way, Oliver and I are moving in together this weekend and I've been packing my stuff for a month now. I never believed I own SO MANY THINGS and SO MANY BOOKS. It's all very exciting and I can't wait to tell you all about the move and what comes after :)

Still smiling,

D.

Changing the world

Dear diary,

   Everyone has an ultimate purpose in their life: maybe being happy, having a beautiful family of their own, being rich and popular, creating something truly beautiful or maybe changing the world, like I do. We all want something big while we're here. The top of our list. The thing we work for, strive for, dream about. I want to heal the world, as cheesy as it might sound. I want to help people, make their lives better, change their way of thinking, make them happy. Not just for now, but on the long term. I want to see people who love each other and who live a long, happy life. I know it might sound like a utopia in today's society, but when you're working as a psychologist, you can see that happening in bits and pieces of what you're trying to do. The problem is that working in a kindergarten has its perks but also its disadvantages. You can't see the kid on the long term. He graduates and he goes away. You don't know how much you actually helped. If you helped. Working with small kids is a neverending challenge. Today, they may be quiet, obeying and pay attention to what you want to teach them and know they actually learned something but tomorrow you might feel like an alien on a different planet and no matter how you try to make yourself understood, you can't do it. They just don't seem to want to listen. Because what they truly want is to PLAY. And it's all natural. Because they're KIDS.

   I've had a feeling of helplessness lately. The feeling that makes you question your very existence. "Am I actually making a change here? Do I actually HELP or do I keep trying in vain and nothing changes? What should I do next? How should I take this failure?" But then I realized you can't change the whole world in a single day. God took 6 days to build it. He didn't rush. He simply took His time. So why should I? Why do I tend to fall into the parents' expectations of being a doctor who serves a pill that makes their kids perfectly adapted and well behaved? I can't do that no matter how hard I try and if I keep wishing for sudden, huge changes I will never see that. As a wise friend said recently, I might not change the world in the kindergarten but at least I put the kids in the right direction. And that helps too, right? The fact that they ALL want to jump on me, hugging me EVERY SINGLE TIME I go to visit them, the fact that they say "I love you, Dana" and "I'm so happy to see you" already gives me a feedback of a job well done. No matter how the kids actually perceive the help I wanted to give them. At least they show appreciation. Which means I'm not that far from what I actually wanted. I am making the tiniest differences in their small worlds, and I should be satisfied with THAT. I should accept that small changes are still changing the world. That doing the best I can with what I have NOW is good too. So, for a while now, I choose to give up on my performance anxiety and just keep doing what I do and be happy to see all my kids HAPPY. In the end, that's my ultimate purpose, right? 

Mental self note: See the bigger picture! Don't get lost in the small details!

Hopeful,

D.

Day 355. Forever ago

   Today I accidentally plunged in my past and I noticed it didn't hurt so I decided to swim deeper and deeper. It made me realize how much I miss a dear friend I lost contact with, how much things have changed around during the past 5 years and I ended up asking myself if I had changed as well. 

   So I called my best friend over to take a look at our life then (during high school teenage years when we were desk mates) and now (when we're already employed emerging adults). It was kinda difficult for me to remember past experiences so way back because once I closed that book and forgot it on a shelf in the attic I only remembered closer experiences from university. So I had to go back to the attic and dig for the lost book. Then I started comparing. Then and Now. Now and Then. 

   You'd say the result is expected. Kinda like textbook development. I still like the same general things, just that now I know exactly which ones and how I like them to be. Take psychology for example. Back in high school I started being interested in the field and I knew I wanted to become a psychologist because I loved listening to people. Now I am practicing it but I'm a school psychologist not a clinical therapist because I realized I love kids more than anything and that therapy is way more complicated than it seemed back then:) 

   You could say my search has been refined and now not only than I know exactly who I am and what I'm looking for, but I'm also in a stable relationship for 4 years. So THEN was all about exploring options and NOW is all about a single road I chose to follow. I love photography, writing, English and people. That's who I am and that's who I'm always gonna be:) I didn't change, I just evolved. I got out of my cocoon and now I'm flying around as a beautiful butterfly:) 

Day 351. Bonnie and Clyde

   Today was one of those days when you realize how awesome it is to have your best friend as your boyfriend. Because not only that you love him and wanna kiss him and cuddle with him all day, but you're also terrific partners "in crime". We're both so excited about a project we're gonna develop together soon. Very soon. 

   In two weeks time "My photo diary" will have gathered 365 days of euphoric, wonderful, interesting, boring, sad and angry experiences. A whole year of ups and downs, discoveries and awesome movie moments I lived during the first year of my working experience (yeah, first step into adulthood). 

   I will continue to write in My Photo Diary even after the year ends, but it will only be twice a week because I want to make sure I share my most powerful experiences. Until then, let the daily emotional roller coaster move on:)

Day 320. Getting in the mood

   An awesome thing is awesome only if you're in the right mood for it. Otherwise, it's just plain boring. This is why I tend to postpone things that I need or want to read or watch till I'm totally up to it. I might upset one or two people, but that's how I know I'll enjoy them the most. 

   How do you get in the mood for something? Can you always get in the mood when asked to? How about getting in the mood for things like work or study? 

   It's been a while since I'm studying for this summer's exam and lately I'm feeling more and more out of the right mood for it. So the only thing that works for me is finding something to motivate me. Yep. A reward. It all goes down to classical conditioning. I admit, sometimes I give myself the reward before studying (some say it's a biiig mistake) but in the end people are different and we all have our twisted way of getting in the right mood for something. So why not take it easy and know that when we get there we enjoy it fully rather than force ourselves to do something when we don't want to? 

   Take a break. Have a Kit Kat:) Or a piece of cake:)

Day 314. Utopia

   We all have those unreachable dreams. The utopias that just seem too far away for our present condition. But you know what? Believe in them and start acting accordingly! You never know when the time is right and poof! they come true:) 

   So dare to dream out loud! Take a leap of faith and start working. Big dreams involve baby steps and hard work but they are way better than no dreams at all:) And the result is always amazing!

   Today one of my biggest dreams came true:) I've carried it with me my whole life and it's been both a burden and a strong desire. And after all this, I can tell: if my utopia got real, yours can too:) Just remember that...

  

Day 300. Relax, take it easy

   I donno about you, but I love it when I know there's nothing in my schedule for the day and I can do whatever floats my boat without having to work or be somewhere. Well, whenever something unplanned comes up in a previously free day, I become a little storm in a glass. That is, when I have to do something work related and I must depend on people... like today. 
   It's like my brain is eagerly waiting for a proper moment to be stressed about something and it gets in turbo mode every time that moment happens, saying something like "omg, omg, omg, let's solve this asap so you can go back to doing nothing again". I guess it's right, but the feeling it gives me is totally wrong. 

   So, after stressing out at first, I tried to take it step by step. I solved my part of the deal and then told myself I should chill until the others do their own:) Although at first I felt like the day has passed me by and I did nothing at all the whole day, after I started relaxing I realized I still had time to study for the exam and read a good book. 

   So my lesson for today is: 

"The shortest way to do many things is to do 

only one thing at a time."   

                                                           - Mozart

Day 288. Happy end

  During all my childhood I loved fairy tales because they all had their happy ending no matter how difficult the journey was. Well, today I got my happy ending too.

   It was my last day of work in this school year. It's been a full one. Ups and downs and then ups again. I remember that last September I started my first year of work being full of excitement. And then I was afraid that I wouldn't know how to handle some unpredictable situations. But slowly I learned all that and much more. 

   At first I thought I'd be a mini god with so much power to use. But as the months passed I realized I had unrealistic expectations:) Only 10% of what I learned in university would help me in practice. Oh the joy of discovering that!

   But all in all, after making mistakes and learning from them, after so many activities with the kids, today I stepped in a class for the last time this year and the kids all gathered around me hugging me. They were sooo cute especially because they wouldn't normally do that so I wanted to make sure. I asked them what that meant and they said "We love you!!!" So, if this is how my first year of work ended, I'd say it's definitely a Happy End. 

   To many more happy endings!:)

Day 223. Young and blooming

    Today while watching students pass by on the street as I was riding the bus home I remembered how I used to be when I was like them and I smiled. 

   It's so interesting to see how much we evolve in just a couple of years after we graduate... even if we keep our inner child with us. In the end, I think it evolves with us, too. 

   When we're teenagers and students we think we control the world, that we can change it and bend it the way we want so that we always end up being happy. We feel so powerful and willing to do so many things and that's exactly when we should do them. Because later on, as we start working and have serious thoughts about settling down we realize it has always been the reverse. The world is controlling us and WE are the ones who have to bend in order to be accepted in the society we live in. We realize that many times our choices as teens were the wrong ones, but we can still make it if we learn to be flexible. Attending that university could be a wrong choice because you might not find a workplace in that field quickly but if you're willing to learn something else, you will succeed. Or maybe you'll want a job in that field so hard that you'll get it no matter how much you'll have to fight for it. 

   In the end I think we should always be young and blooming in our thoughts, feel able and willing to change the world. Otherwise we'd only feel like slaves who work for others not for ourselves. And maybe we can control the world. Maybe not the whole world, but a small part for sure. And that's enough if it helps us be happy:)

Day 196. Where to?

   When we're little we think about the toys we want to play with, our friends from the kindergarten or the cartoons we're going to watch when we get home. When we grow up we start thinking about our future. At first, it's the immediate future: the high school or university we want to attend, the friends we want to have and that ideal relationship that we want to last forever. When we're working we inevitably think about the distant future: a family, a place of our own, a kid. 

   It's interesting how things evolve over time. And it's a bit scary when you have to plan your whole life ahead and know you have to take the best decisions, choose the best option when everything seems so insecure. But that's why we have the internet and friends for. To ask them what they think and start from there. And then hope for the best and learn to be flexible. Change plans whenever they seem not to work anymore. And never lose hope. Believe everything is going to be ok, no matter how twisted the labyrinth might be. 

   And in the end everything comes true. And we'll see "where to?" was just a question that made us start a whole new chapter in our life: the best one:) 

Day 193. In Dependent

   It's funny... Lately I didn't feel safe over there. You know... sometimes it just feels like pure work and not passion anymore because  I found out people around me wear masks and after a time they're bored of doing that and they reveal their true nature. They gossip and talk about all sorts of things against one another. And they're craving for some details they could use against you later on. They don't stand united since they don't seem to have a common purpose. Just their own advantage. They don't forgive. They just gossip some more until everybody knows everything and they need a fresh story... No, they're not all like that, but today I left the pink sunglasses on my desk and I wandered around without them. So I faced the aftermath. 

   Nevertheless, I bitterly reached my purpose. I wanted not to be attached to that place, the kids or the people, my office or the hallways and today I reached just that. I realized I could be happy anywhere, not just there. 

   In the end, it's just like meeting a new person: at first you're fascinated by the appearance but if you're patient enough to stick around for a while, you'll find out things you didn't want to know about that person. You'll find out it's more than you can take and you'll want to move on. 

   Would you be satisfied with the first person that came across your way? And would you be so bold and naive to marry that person? I wouldn't. I admit I was naive and childish, but I woke up. This is the reality we're living in every single day. This is what working with people means. Being surrounded by envy, hatred and bad vibes covered by pleasant smiles and words. Sometimes... I just wish I'd work in an office by myself. In front of the computer. Just the computer and I. But then I wake up and see the glass half full and take it all from the beginning. Isn't life thrilling?:)

Day 169. Hope

   Hope is what keeps us going. Hope for a better world, a better future, a life just like we want it. Or maybe hope that everything is going to be OK in the end, even if we know there's still a long way full of surprises until we reach the final destination.

   I found out my time in the kindergarten I'm working now could be limited to... only 4 more months. Due to some bureaucratic stuff, I might have to choose a different workplace sometime in August and it might hurt cos I really thought I was going to stay longer and I also got attached to the place and the people. Still, there is the option of staying here if I get a high enough grade at the exam and choose this place again. So I end up hoping Someone up there will help me just like He did last year when every little detail helped me get here because it had to be this way. It was a miracle and I still believe in it. I believe in myself. And I hope. Never end up hoping:) And if the dream comes to an end, I will write new stories and I will try to save new lives wherever I am. In my own, little way.

Day 164. Smile, tomorrow will be worse!

   And yet Murphy is right again. I wish I'd say "I will get better! Everything will be fine", but this time I really can't:( 

   No matter how close I was to 100% healing, my file stopped at 98% again... these past couple of nights I felt an awful stabbing pain in the left side of my chest... aaaand the fever is back. My parents even called in the ambulance (yay, there's a first for everything). The doctor said I should stay at home another week and continue the treatment. 

   WHEN will I get back to work?:( All I want is to be fit as a fiddle again, that bundle of joy everybody knows, but my body doesn't seem to be on the same page with me so my physical illness is turning into a psychological breakdown too. I feel totally overwhelmed by the situation and don't know where to turn to. I'm in that state that I'm afraid to breathe or sit on my back that I would feel pain so it's kinda like feeling trapped in a tiny box with nowhere to go. And I hate this tiny box! Someone please get me out of here!!!! 

   ... yeah, sometimes even psychologists break down. 

Day 160. A blessing in disguise

   Many times when misfortune strikes we start pitying ourselves and we expect to receive kind words that will help us move on. But if we have the power to close our eyes and breathe, stand back and see the whole situation from a different perspective, we find out that misfortunes are really blessings in disguise.

   Haven't I frequently told myself that I need a break and that I want to spend time with myself? Well today I realized my sickness gave me just that. I wanted to go to work by all means but sometimes we just gotta follow the signs and accept the road life leads us onto. It's not easy to do that while in denial or being blinded by sorrow, but after some time we get the chance to see the real meaning behind it all. I am now relaxing and gathering my forces to help kids understand that life isn't how they want it all the time... and maybe I should learn that lesson myself:)

Day 85. Rush

   There are times when we all rush: to buy the things we need, to get to work or to school, to eat, to think, to take decisions. We rush and then we fail. We fail to see the beautiful little things around us, to find the right choice, the one that will definitely make us happier and healthier. 

   Today I was in the mall with my family. As always, my dad rushed to buy the things he needed and then he was planning to go straight home. I never liked that. I want to look around and wonder, especially NOW, before Christmas:) If I were rushing all the time, when would I have the time to see what's new, to observe the good discounts and so on? 

   So, I prefer to take my time and enjoy a peaceful life. I'm sure we can wake up earlier in order not to rush to work/school and we can also plan to pay more attention to the world around us. You'd be surprised to see how many little things show up when you're taking your time:)

Day 44. Sunbathed

   It was one of those Saturdays when everything was flooded with sunshine and it surely felt like a lazy Sunday:) That kind of Sunday when you feel like laying back and reading a book while bathing in the sun. 

   There are times for working and times for relaxing. You gotta know when to take a time off, sit back and enjoy the golden moments when time seems like stopping and bathing in the sun itself:) 

Day 40. Bed sweet bed

   Tuesday, second day of flu hell. Things just got serious. It was about time I started using a more serious pill because I really wanted to go back to work the other day (I know how silly that sounds). 

  It was all about bed, bed and some more bed for me on Tuesday. I wasn't used to having fever anymore. I didn't have a fever since childhood, but yet, it was never to late to meet her again. And I was happy. Because that meant my body was fighting:)

  At the end of the day I was proud to have succeeded going to work and having had a beautiful class with some kids in my ex highschool. 

    

   TIP of the day: when there's a will, there's a way!

Day 35. About scents and flavours

   Seems like it rained last night. This morning, after getting off the bus towards work I was at first sad by the grey vail that fell over the city because of the clouds that were still sticking around, but then, as I was walking, I inhaled that special scent that can be felt after rain. That special scent that you HAVE to love:) 

   I immediately thought about how much I'd love to be able to preserve scents and even flavours I liked during my lifetime and put them in small, beautiful bottles and then fill a big chest with them and open one or two during hard times. Man, how would that change my mood in an instance:) Or even better, link a story to every bottle and then tell the stories to my children and grandchildren:) I'd love that very much. 

   So, here's the next best thing: a wannabe pond:P Wouldn't you love to preserve special scents as well? Scents that have a story behind are the best scents ever:)