Day 340. The dark at the end of the tunnel

   We grow up always asking questions. When we're babies we want to know all the object names, then when we're kids we start asking "Why?" every 2 minutes. When we're teens we ask "Who am I?" and when we're adults we get all metaphysical and we start questioning the purpose of life and death. I'm there. 

   I had this talk to myself again tonight and I still didn't get an answer. I never do, but I keep asking because I want to know: "Why do young people have to die?" Why kids? Why teens? I get old people dying but youngsters are supposed to have their whole life ahead. What's the purpose of all this? I'm tired of always getting the "they have to teach the others a lesson" type of answer. I just don't get it. 

   Some get sick and others commit suicide. Why do they go through all this? The worst part is that no matter how hard we try to help them, they just go. 

Day 205. Have faith

   We were all amazed by winter's stormy comeback and since nobody expected it some people complained about it every single day another snowflake fell from the sky. 

   I have to admit that seeing a lot of snow in spring was almost like decorating a Christmas tree in the middle of summer but even so those complains were useless. With or without them, nature always follows its course and today I've seen it happen. It's the best example to show us we need to have faith that better times WILL come.

  Also, I remember that when I was really sick last time I said complains should be allowed but now that I'm rational again I really see no point in using them. We gotta buckle up and brace ourselves for whatever is ahead. Keep our heads up and know. Know that everything will be ok in the end, that spring will come and that flowers will bloom. Here it is, it's happening right now:)

Day 165. One step at a time

   You know, whenever life takes you by surprise and gives you lemons when you were expecting roses, you take a step back and enter the negativity stage: "This can't be happening to me" you say. Well guess what. It is. And after a week of taking pills and fighting with this weird sickness that seems to have a will and a condition of her own (bipolar personality) for coming and going whenever she pleases, I'm not impressed anymore. Just like getting used to a moody boss, I got used to her. I'm still cautious, but I'm trying to take it one step at a time and see how things evolve. I never plan things for more than the present day so it's safe to say I'm "carpe diem". 

   The bad thing about being sick is that you get to have too much free time and no ideas how to use it or even worse, you lose your interest in your old habits. And this is how you end up watching some cheap TV programs and news that talk about teens killing each other and stuff like that. I'm sick and tired of everything TV means (life without TLC is shitty) so I spend more time with my ever patient mother who likes to listen to all my complaints and wishes. She's the best! She's taking it one step at a time with me and it feels good not be alone on the road cos nothing hurts more than loneliness. 

   

   So come what it may, I'm ready! Bring it on!

Day 156. Hitting bottom

   You know, when you're excited about something you stop thinking about its negative aspects. You might try to foresee what might go wrong but you're too optimistic to care. You want to GET THERE and that's the only thing you see ahead. And that's how it should stay. Cos if we let our negative brain do his job, we'll lose the fun of looking forward and then we'd live in fear. 

   I was sooo looking forward to working with preschool kids last summer that I didn't even think about the downside of it. I never thought that something could go wrong. Ok, we all know there are spoiled kids and aggressive ones, but usually kids are like candy: easy on the eyes. Little did I know that with preschool kids come a lot of viruses that weaken the immune system of the newbie teachers. And since I'm a newbie... Oh well. This time (third) the flu kicked hard. So hard that it made me doubt wanting to work with the little ones again. Wrong. I know. But the pain I am going through has no words to describe it. So intense that you think killing yourself to get rid of it could be an option. I am aware how crazy that sounds. And yet, when you're sick you're not rational anymore. I hit bottom today. I felt like going crazy. All I wanted to do was scream and cry because of how helpless I felt. My parents said I was acting worse than a baby and I tend to agree but when you're stuck in a bed without any power, it's hard to accept you just gotta give up from time to time.

   I didn't sleep at all last night because of the burning fever and today it seems to carry on with me. And I'm missing a birthday party. Yay. 

  Thank God for good friends who care about you and bring you tangerines. Seeing that someone cares and doesn't judge you for complaining about how much it hurts helps a lot. I miss seeing my friends.

Day 50. 50 shades of gray

   We all walk through life with our very own perspective and there are few times when we can really put ourselves in other people's shoes. Well, when you're sick AND the weather is gloomy you see how some people envision life: no matter if it's sunny outside or how many reasons they could find to be happy, all they do is keep their eyes closed to all the beauty and opened to all the mess in the world. It's a big burden some have to carry around...

   So, Friday seemed pretty awful to me and even the beautiful leaves carpet I adored days before, reminded me of death among plants. How sad it is when leaves fall off their secure and nurturing branch. That's exactly the same with us. We're connected to our secure and nurturing network of family and friends and when the time is right, we fall to the ground and leave behind the rest of the leaves that are to fall sometime too. Nevertheless, if we watch everything from a different perspective, there's nothing more bohemian and romantic than autumn sceneries with leaves floating in the air and touching the ground to form a large colorful blanket. 

    In the end, beauty is in the eye of the beholder!:)

Day 40. Bed sweet bed

   Tuesday, second day of flu hell. Things just got serious. It was about time I started using a more serious pill because I really wanted to go back to work the other day (I know how silly that sounds). 

  It was all about bed, bed and some more bed for me on Tuesday. I wasn't used to having fever anymore. I didn't have a fever since childhood, but yet, it was never to late to meet her again. And I was happy. Because that meant my body was fighting:)

  At the end of the day I was proud to have succeeded going to work and having had a beautiful class with some kids in my ex highschool. 

    

   TIP of the day: when there's a will, there's a way!

Day 39. And then there were pills

   This Monday a serious flu turned me upside down and made me be the person I'm usually not: not in the mood for anything, not wanting to eat anything at all even if I was in the mall's foodcourt with all kinds of food around me, that kind of feeling when you just want a bed and hot tea, that moment when you're sick as a dog (however that might be). It was dreadful, but that was just the beginning... 

Note to self: When you're that sick that you know you gotta take pills to be healthy again, take them properly, not just once in a while!