365 project 2: Day 5. Take a peek

   Today wasn't an easy day at work. I spent some time in a class that seen from the outside might seem like your average, Romanian kindergarten class. Until hell unleashed. Some kids were crying, others were fighting and others were running everywhere... all in the same time. I have no idea how the teacher could handle this class until today. She seemed defeated too. 

   I won't complain about the system again. We all know it's faulty. For me it wasn't as hard as it was for her, because I only visit her class once a week. I know her problematic kids, but the complicated thing is that they're all put together in the same class with only one teacher to oversee them, a teacher that will slowly go mad if something doesn't change... and how could it change if the parents see the teacher for 2 minutes a day; one minute... when she's smiling in the morning while greeting the kids and the other one at noon when she waves them goodbye. 

   Parents expect us to raise their kids while they have no idea what's going on at school because they don't ask questions other than "did he eat?". Is that the most important thing in a child's life?

   Why do people have kids if they don't WANT kids? Why does society pressure us into getting married and having a child if we're not going to be THERE for him and teach him how to fly? Why do we expect the teachers to do our job? ... I might change my view in some years when I'll have my own kids, but showing interest and asking the teachers details about how you can help your kid be better every day can make everybody's life so much easier... 

   If the parents would take a peek, just a little one, inside the everyday life of that teacher, I bet they would change their behavior. I hope that one day they will. Then they will realize she deserves so much more than a flower on the 8th of March.

Moving (on)

Dear diary,

  For 2 years and a half this small, now empty room at the 1st floor of the kindergarten was my office. My first office ever. Now I'm saying goodbye. I'm moving to the other building of the same kindergarten... To a new small room. I guess it's one of the many changes to come this year. 

   I know this change might be insignificant for others but for me it's kind of big because I always tend to get attached to places and people. Maybe that's why this time I surprised myself because I'm not melancholic. I think it's because I have a lot of other reasons to be happy still, even though once changes used to scare me. 

   Bottom line: Everything happens for a reason and it certainly feels good to take on changes without regrets.

Carefree,

D.

Changing the world

Dear diary,

   Everyone has an ultimate purpose in their life: maybe being happy, having a beautiful family of their own, being rich and popular, creating something truly beautiful or maybe changing the world, like I do. We all want something big while we're here. The top of our list. The thing we work for, strive for, dream about. I want to heal the world, as cheesy as it might sound. I want to help people, make their lives better, change their way of thinking, make them happy. Not just for now, but on the long term. I want to see people who love each other and who live a long, happy life. I know it might sound like a utopia in today's society, but when you're working as a psychologist, you can see that happening in bits and pieces of what you're trying to do. The problem is that working in a kindergarten has its perks but also its disadvantages. You can't see the kid on the long term. He graduates and he goes away. You don't know how much you actually helped. If you helped. Working with small kids is a neverending challenge. Today, they may be quiet, obeying and pay attention to what you want to teach them and know they actually learned something but tomorrow you might feel like an alien on a different planet and no matter how you try to make yourself understood, you can't do it. They just don't seem to want to listen. Because what they truly want is to PLAY. And it's all natural. Because they're KIDS.

   I've had a feeling of helplessness lately. The feeling that makes you question your very existence. "Am I actually making a change here? Do I actually HELP or do I keep trying in vain and nothing changes? What should I do next? How should I take this failure?" But then I realized you can't change the whole world in a single day. God took 6 days to build it. He didn't rush. He simply took His time. So why should I? Why do I tend to fall into the parents' expectations of being a doctor who serves a pill that makes their kids perfectly adapted and well behaved? I can't do that no matter how hard I try and if I keep wishing for sudden, huge changes I will never see that. As a wise friend said recently, I might not change the world in the kindergarten but at least I put the kids in the right direction. And that helps too, right? The fact that they ALL want to jump on me, hugging me EVERY SINGLE TIME I go to visit them, the fact that they say "I love you, Dana" and "I'm so happy to see you" already gives me a feedback of a job well done. No matter how the kids actually perceive the help I wanted to give them. At least they show appreciation. Which means I'm not that far from what I actually wanted. I am making the tiniest differences in their small worlds, and I should be satisfied with THAT. I should accept that small changes are still changing the world. That doing the best I can with what I have NOW is good too. So, for a while now, I choose to give up on my performance anxiety and just keep doing what I do and be happy to see all my kids HAPPY. In the end, that's my ultimate purpose, right? 

Mental self note: See the bigger picture! Don't get lost in the small details!

Hopeful,

D.

Holy(day)

Dear diary,

   Exams finally passed and after 2 months of studying and losing contact to all people around me, everything's back on track: I took the exam I was worried about and I'm still waiting for the results on the other one, but I have a good feeling. 

   So guess what: I'm gonna work in the same kindergarten one more yeaaaar! I'm so happy! I love seeing the kids grow and evolve alongside with me and I can't wait to read them the books I bought for them from Vatra Dornei! 

   Life's good. Really good. And I feel so blessed for having everything I want and need. So many things have changed for the better:) Life's exciting and full of new things! 

   So now I'm gonna catch up with my friends, go out for photos, read wonderful books, watch my TV shows and enjoy the awesome things summer has still prepared for me! It's finally a holiday!

In love with life,

D.

Day 363. Farewell

   Last year I had to work in two kindergartens. There was the main one - big and cheerful with lots of loving kids- and the other one - small and cosy, with friendly people and cute kids. A part of me died today when I found out I won't be working in the second kindergarten this year. And then I immediately thought of this saying I read in a book:

   Yep, I didn't see this coming:( And I don't understand why I shouldn't feel comfortable in a place I feel like home... I know, my dad taught me there always has to be a cracked door somewhere so I could get out safe and sound every time. It was about romantic relationships, but this applies here as well... 

   I'm hurt because I got to care about those people and I know they care about me too. We got along awesomely. It was that kind of relationship when you understand each other from a glance:) The kids were so adorable that right now I'm happy I was inspired enough to take photos of and with them during the past year. The teachers were friendly, helping and warm. Beautiful people, beautiful place. "Ladybug kindergarten", you will be missed!

Day 251. Ups and downs

   Life in a kindergarten is full of ups and downs. You'd say it has to be pretty easy to take care of some kids and teach them some basic stuff about life. If only...

   Today I reached bottom with a class of kids who didn't want to get involved in a contest I had prepared for them. It's not that it wasn't interesting, on the contrary. Each time someone wants to teach them something, they show no respect towards the teacher in front of them. They really behave like savages who are not aware that in a society there are rules that have to be obeyed. No matter how I tried to get their attention, there were always 2 or 3 children who messed everything up and dragged the other kids along with them. 

   I couldn't finish the activity today and I couldn't find any brilliant solution to solve this issue. I felt overwhelmed and it was one of moments when you feel you know so little and that hurts. But by the time I was pondering upon that, some other kids welcomed me in their class jumping on me, hugging me and telling me they love me. My heart melted and then I realized you can't solve all problems around you. Some take more than you can do. It's like wanting to turn a rotten apple into a perfect one. You just can't. All you have to do is accept the fact that you can't help them all. Some don't want to be helped. And the ones who did, begged me to go on with the contest and they are the ones I have to focus on. They make me believe my presence around them matters. But you can't make them all like you, Dana. Just let it go. 

Day 211. Blood, sweat and tears

   Some people have it in them. They feel the urge and they can't resist it. They take the opportunity thinking that they'll help others this way. But in the end, it's all going to be just blood, sweat and tears until they learn their decision wasn't the best one. But what can you do when you feel the need to be a leader? It's in you. You can fight it, but you can't deny it. And you'll shortly notice you can't standby. 

   Today I found out what being a leader really involves. Leading a whole kindergarten brings up a lot of responsibilities, being blamed any time something goes wrong and being pulled and pushed in every direction possible just because you're in charge. It takes a lot of stress, weight loss and irrational thinking because you care. Because you want to make the world a better place and rule fairly. You only want them to be happy and all they feel is envy. Why be a leader then? Why take all the blame for people who don't know how to solve their own problems? Why try to make the world a better place when other people only try to make it work for themselves in order to have a comfy life? 

   The negative outcomes certainly surpass the positive ones, but you go to sleep at night telling yourself that you don't want to let a tyrant destroy everything you built. So you sacrifice yourself and take it all with the thought that there are innocent people who will suffer more if you give up. Therefore, you accept the role and move on hoping. Hoping that one day you will succeed in making the world a better place:)

Day 203. Sickness all around

   Today I woke up with a dreadful feeling that something was off. I wanted to sleep some more, turn down my meeting with a difficult mom and draw the curtains so I wouldn't have to see another cityscape full of snow that would melt in some hours only to be back on track in the evening. 

   But I didn't do all those. Instead, I got up grumpily, put on some clothes and left to work. A terrible headache accompanied me for the whole day and between meeting with worried parents and talking to problematic kids, all I could see was sickness. Sickness all around me. And it's all so weird because at the beginning of the school year I was so happy and lively and played with healthy kids all day long and now all I seem to do is watch the problematic kids and try to make them behave or talk to the parents who don't seem to listen either way because they think their kid is always a victim, never an instigator. 

   I'm sick and tired of all this sickness. Of all the problems kindergarten kids have. You'd believe they're perfectly fine at this age, lacking a little bit of self regulation and that's all, but no. Sometimes I really feel like I'm surrounded by little animals who roar around me. Little animals who don't understand rules and whose only purpose is playing... which is natural. So I guess I have some issues too or maybe it's just the illusion of working with solving problems all day long. In the end psychologists are some sort of doctors too. And doctors cure. But before curing you need sickness. So in the end sickness is a natural state of being. I only wish our "pills" would have everlasting effects like doctors' do:)

Day 197. The beginning

   You'd say they look like angels, wouldn't you?:) Well they are. Until you give them a reason to laugh at other people. Of course, when they are in their first year of kindergarten they don't acknowledge much, but in their second year you'd expect they would have learned some rules by now. 

   It's sad to see that the little ones begin to bully their classmates at this age. And it's even sadder how quickly their listen to somebody if they tell them to bully a classmate. Then, how can we prevent this phenomenon from expanding in primary school if we can't work with them because their brain isn't fully developed yet? Does it really help if we repeat the rules every day? Do they really start believing them or do they just nod like "yeah, whatever you say lady, we know what we should do but laughing it's so much fun"?

   As always, I wish I could change the world. But what if the world can't be changed? What if it doesn't want to be changed? Hmmm? What then?:)

Day 185. Lost and found

   Remember when weeks ago I said I wanted my child memories back? That I wanted to find something to remind of of how I was as a child? I did!!! 

   My uncle gave me this cassette I totally forgot about. I was recorded at the age of 4, 5 and 9 while reciting poems:) I had such a cute voice my heart melted:) My brother was barely learning to talk, my dad was trying to make him say "mom", "dad", "oops" and cute stuff like that:) My dear, dear grandma was around too. I almost burst into tears. It brought back the good, old times when everything was ok, when we were all together, when life was barely beginning. Now, we've grown up, life is uncertain and many of the good people have gone. 

   Sometimes I miss being a child, you know? I always find myself loving the craft work my kids do at the kindergarten and I just want to sit down with them and do whatever they're doing, play with them and listen to awesome lessons, live life all over again from the beginning. It's not that adult life is frightening, it's just that we forget how awesome that time was because "when we're little we want to grow up and when we've grown up we want to be little". 

   Still, being able to live again a small part of my childhood was awesome:) And the good part is that... memories are always alive! And they should be preserved. Today I learned that videos are better than photos. Unless we're in Harry Potter and we have moving photos:) 

Note to self: Make a very organized plan about preserving your kids' childhood:) 

Day 176. The 1st of March

   Today I had such a special day:) It felt like I stepped in a dream and I was walking around in amazement in a land of fairies. Everywhere I looked I was surrounded by beautiful spring flowers. Snowdrops, hyacinths and tulips, a sea of color and perfume:) Wow! And it was the 1st of March. Such a festive day! It made everything more intense and more springy:)

   At the kindergarten children were all wearing cute cartoon character trinkets. I loved seeing their faces light up when talking about them and proudly associating them with spring:) Everybody was so happy while working on their little gifts for their mothers while spring songs could be heard everywhere. Spring decorations were hanging in the halls and in the classrooms and everyone was giving away and receiving mărțișoare:) I received some myself. The kids were sooo adorable while giving them to me:) One of the little ones said: "Have a lovely spring and thank you for taking care of me." Awww!:) 

   Then, after coming home my cousin gave me this beautiful handmade mărțișor (in the photo). These are the ones I appreciate the most. The ones kids make with their own hands. They have so much more meaning:)

   And this is what spring is all about. JOY! The joy of coming back to life and enjoying nature and its wonders. Spring is definitely THE season. My season:) I'm in love again:)

Day 171. Accepting change

   There are many times when we believe we know what we want. We set some goals and follow them blindly until we're very close to reaching them. But right then something happens and we change our mind. We realize we don't want that exact thing anymore, that we actually need something else that can make us just as happy or even happier. So we get the other thing and we smile satisfied. Thinking back to what we first wanted we notice we've been wrong all along... that sometimes we have to accept change even if at first we're really stubborn and think we know what's best for us. Embracing other people's opinions, even if it's about something major concerning your life, is a sign of wisdom. Not everybody can do it:)

   My brother accepted change today and he got an amazing couch. I accepted change and I realized that working in a kindergarten is way better than my ex high school. Sometimes you just gotta accept there's something else you need. It's hard at first, but if you go with the flow and trust people around you, the result is going to make you even happier. So don't be afraid to let them step in your life and give you advice. Don't be afraid to accept change:)

Day 169. Hope

   Hope is what keeps us going. Hope for a better world, a better future, a life just like we want it. Or maybe hope that everything is going to be OK in the end, even if we know there's still a long way full of surprises until we reach the final destination.

   I found out my time in the kindergarten I'm working now could be limited to... only 4 more months. Due to some bureaucratic stuff, I might have to choose a different workplace sometime in August and it might hurt cos I really thought I was going to stay longer and I also got attached to the place and the people. Still, there is the option of staying here if I get a high enough grade at the exam and choose this place again. So I end up hoping Someone up there will help me just like He did last year when every little detail helped me get here because it had to be this way. It was a miracle and I still believe in it. I believe in myself. And I hope. Never end up hoping:) And if the dream comes to an end, I will write new stories and I will try to save new lives wherever I am. In my own, little way.

Day 130. Hugs and kisses

Dear diary,

   The winter holiday has passed and today Dana came to visit us. We know it was her first day back to school work and she might have wanted to stay home longer, but boy were we happy to see her! When she entered the room we were drawing in our special notebooks and we didn't even notice her but then the teacher said "Look, kids, Dana came to see you!" and we turned our eyes to her and greeted her with a biiiig smile and we even said "Hello, Danaaaa, how are youuu?" Then she came around the tables and helped us color inside some weird shapes the teacher called "fir tree", "sleigh" and "table". One of the girls asked Dana if her drawing was correct and Dana told her she also has to color the table's legs. How funny was that! We didn't even know the table has LEGS like we do:) 

   Then, we all watched some cartoons with Mr. Bean chasing a fly. Dana was describing what was happening in the cartoons and that helped us undestand it better and it also made it funnier. We laughed a lot! 

    After this, Dana told us some beauuuutiful stories with the help of some stuffed animals she held in her arms. They were so many: Dumbo the elephant, Chiţ-Chiţ the mouse,  Tommy the teddy bear, 2 rabbits and then I forget. She told us about how we have to behave in the kindergarten and that if we obey the teacher and if we behave well everyone will want to play with us and we will have many friends. So we wanted to show Dana how much we already love each other and we all hugged and she took us a photo! We think it's veeeery nice!

    Dear diary, you should know we love Dana very much as well! Since she came into our classroom some of us hugged her and kissed her all day! We missed her and we like it when she comes and plays with us! She's our big sister!:)

   This is what happened today and we wanted to write this so we wouldn't forget. How are you, by the way, dear diary? 

                Write soon,

Love,

The kids from "Grupa Mică C"

Day 42. Summery autumn

   You wouldn't say this is a sunset in the middle of autumn, would you?:) Now this is the kind of autumn I love. Lovely mornings, sun shining through the yellow leaves during the day, beautiful sunsets and all warm and cozy:)   

   I had a really great day today. Many activities, absolutely adorable kids and productive parent meetings. 
   Every day I rediscover the childhood ME through my kids and it feels like I'm living my childhood once again with them.  

Note to self: You can't solve all the problems in the kindergarten in the first months of work. You need patience, patience, patience!:)

Day 28. The future Johnny Depp

   I can already hear the girls go "OMG he's sooo cute!" I knooow, right? That's how all kindergarten kids are^^ 
   Of course I could have titled this "the future Brad Pitt", coz that's how people know I'm reffering to the handsome man this little one will become one day, but since I like Johnny better, let's just leave it to that:) 

  This beautiful child is the kind of boy you can't help yourself not loving:) I wish my child would be like him. Sooo adorable:)

P.S. Each day I think more and more about the fact that my blog should have been named "With and about kids" instead of My PhotoDiary:P I'm sorry for those of you who might get bored but I discover new parts of childhood every day and I can't help falling in love with my kids:) They're simply lovable:) Say it isn't so:)

(*Photos taken by phone lately. Sorry for the moving little ball of fur and for the poor quality)

Day 27. Remember the old times?

   ... When we were kids like them? Oh, I have some vivid memories. 
   Today I enjoyed seeing the kids play outside and I remembered my own childhood in the kindergarten. These weeks I often found myself trying to see how I looked like when I was little: "I must have looked like her" I tell myself:) 
   I was a good child. I am a good child still. And man, I don't want to grow up!:)

Day 20. The points go to...

 ... the kids from three different classes from the second kindergarten I'm working in:) You know the story. When kids are good and pay attention to the lesson, they receive a reward like this. Today I awarded some colored stickers for the first time in my life and I loved doing it!:) The activities were awesome, the kids were awesome, everything is awesome!:) I'm in heaven! Don't ever take me out of here!:)

Day 11. The bond

   I know, I've talked about childhood before, but working with kids and being among them has its effects on me. I've seen a mother pick up her child in kindergarten today and she was so affectionate with her little daughter. There was surely a strong bond between the two. The girl said she liked it there and she'd come tomorrow too and her mother kissed her proudly. Then, I say: What can be more beautiful than being a mother and having a beautiful child who will light up your days? I think I'm getting old for saying this (I wouldn't have thought about it some years ago) but I bet I'll actually enjoy the adulthood we want to achieve when being little and the one grown up people say you want to avoid:) Can't wait to have my own family and my own kids!<3

Day 8. Return to innocence

   I can't tell you how excited I am to have my own office in the kindergarten<3 These days I've made a big pile of toys I received over the years and I intend to move them into my office so that children would love that place when coming "to visit" me. So I'm practically moving my childhood over there:) When I finish making the interior design, it's going to be a fluffy, colorful childhood retreat, sort of like children's paradise (I hope:P) even for me so I'm kind of returning to childhood through this (so I can express my childish personality without anyone suspecting I'm immature)^^

   I'm very thankful for having this opportunity and I want to enjoy it to the fullest!:D