365 days project 2. Day 48. Perfect-ation

   Being a parent is very hard. The hardest job you ever take on. I don't have to be a parent to realize that. Working with them daily for the past 4 years helped me know them very well by now. And this is what I saw:

  Generally, parents want the best for their kids. Many of them want their children to do what they couldn't do, have what they couldn't have and all in all, have a better life than they had growing up. Everything sounds very good in theory but practice is very difficult. 

   As a parent, when you want your child to have a better life than yours, you will have the tendency to force him to do things he might not want to because you already played this game called life and you know the stages. If you do so, not only you are forcing him to go in a certain direction and you forget to be mindful of what he wants, but you will also have sky high expectations of him. And when you want him to be perfect, he will fail. He will fall and he will break and he will break you. Because flowers might be perfect but people will never get there. 

   So, as long as parents have perfection expectations of their kids and they treat them like their favorite toys and not human beings with their own will, needs and desires, everybody's life will be harder. Not to mention, kids might grow up and become something their parents wanted but not what they wanted. Who's going to suffer more? The parent or the child? What about both?

   Parents want the best for their kids. But they tend to forget their children have their own personality, their own desires and that they are not identical copies of them. This is the trickiest challenge parents have to overcome. If they do that, their kids won't be perfect, but they will surely be happy :) And when you're happy, who cares you're not perfect? :)

Note to self: Read this again when you become a parent yourself!

365 project 2: Day 5. Take a peek

   Today wasn't an easy day at work. I spent some time in a class that seen from the outside might seem like your average, Romanian kindergarten class. Until hell unleashed. Some kids were crying, others were fighting and others were running everywhere... all in the same time. I have no idea how the teacher could handle this class until today. She seemed defeated too. 

   I won't complain about the system again. We all know it's faulty. For me it wasn't as hard as it was for her, because I only visit her class once a week. I know her problematic kids, but the complicated thing is that they're all put together in the same class with only one teacher to oversee them, a teacher that will slowly go mad if something doesn't change... and how could it change if the parents see the teacher for 2 minutes a day; one minute... when she's smiling in the morning while greeting the kids and the other one at noon when she waves them goodbye. 

   Parents expect us to raise their kids while they have no idea what's going on at school because they don't ask questions other than "did he eat?". Is that the most important thing in a child's life?

   Why do people have kids if they don't WANT kids? Why does society pressure us into getting married and having a child if we're not going to be THERE for him and teach him how to fly? Why do we expect the teachers to do our job? ... I might change my view in some years when I'll have my own kids, but showing interest and asking the teachers details about how you can help your kid be better every day can make everybody's life so much easier... 

   If the parents would take a peek, just a little one, inside the everyday life of that teacher, I bet they would change their behavior. I hope that one day they will. Then they will realize she deserves so much more than a flower on the 8th of March.

The lessons of a 27 year old

Dear diary,

   Today I turn 27. This is for sure an age I never thought about when I was a child and thought of "when I grow up". It was all vague in my mind but I somehow always saw myself as being 20. Today, however, I keep blooming.

   It's funny how ages and their meaning changed over the past decade. Today, being 27 IS like being 20. Just finished master degree and started working 3 years ago, compared to our parents who would have been married with kids by this age. Either way, I enjoy it so much more consciously now. 

   Every birthday brings a slight change, but this one, I believe, brought the most of them :) Since last year, I moved in with my fiancé! It sounds small, but it's really big actually. This time last year I was involved in a beautiful new relationship, but I surely didn't have a fiancé and I was still living with my parents! So talk about a change, eh? (By the way, dear diary, I say "Eh" a lot now, VERY Canadian of me! Today I'm finally applying for my first tourist visa for Canada, so I say I'm pretty ready to go :D)

   The reason why I actually wanted to write to you and mark this milestone is because I want to remember what I learned until now, in all these years. Maybe it will help me later on :)

   I learned that...

   You need amazing parents in order to become an amazing person and even the most amazing parents can sometimes make parenting mistakes. At the end of the day, they all somehow instill in us their fears as we will instill our fears in our kids. It's inevitable, but still something we can control if we aknowledge it. But what we need most as kids is LOVE, ATTENTION and APPRECIATION. If we believe we are valuable to our parents and they are willing to share their TIME with us, playing, talking about life and learning together, if they show INTEREST, then our childhood is going to be the BEST. With or without a lot of money, toys and whatnot. At the end of the day, Love conquers all. 

   I learned that life brings you friends that come and go and that's okay. But the most important are the ones who stay because they want to and the ones who stay because YOU pick them. Always choose the ones who make you happy and who teach you lessons: lessons of trust, neverending love, forgiveness and honesty. You won't always love your friends to the bits. Sometimes, you won't agree with something they do or say. But still love them, because they need that. And that's what you'll get in return. Because what goes around comes around.

   I learned that if you're giving, you shall receive. The same amount of love, and care, and appreciation. And sometimes it can be overwhelming and you'll wonder if you deserve it, but believe me, YOU DO, because if you were a giver you will also be a receiver :)

   I learned that teenage period is full of unanswered questions and crushes and worry about school and the future, but if you have a supportive family and the right friends around you, everything is going to be OKAY. Yes, you shall cry and miss those unrequited love stories or boyfriends who broke up with you without understanding why. It will stay with you your whole life, but you shouldn't let it get the better of you. Life moves on and you will move on with it.

   I learned that life is not as short as I expected. During my childhood and teenage period I heard about a lot of young people dying. It doesn't mean that's it's SO often that it will happen to You or your loved ones. And even if it does, at some point, be careful that you live fully until then so that when it does happen to you, you can have that "I lived it all, thank you, life" feeling :)

   I learned that life is not always fair. Many times you won't understand things that happen to you, but you somehow need to find the resilience to explain to yourself in your own way what happened and find the strength to go on. And then, in those moments, KNOW that it could ALWAYS be worse and you have dear ones around you to help you move on.

   I learned that we all have beautiful gifts inside us. Our talents. And we should exploit them when the time is right without caring what the others say. If you feel you want to do it, then do it! Show the world what you're good at and try to always improve!

   I learned that people will judge now and then and you won't be liked by everybody and that's okay. As long as you love yourself, everything is going to be okay because THIS is the secret of moving on. You need to find the power to love yourself with all the faults you have. I know you live with yourself 24/7, but try. And always thank for the compliments you receive. Don't turn them around. Believe. In. Yourself!

   I learned that love comes when you least expect. And that you don't have just ONE soulmate on this planet. There are people who match you more or less, but who still have common things with you. They will make you happy, very happy but some shorter periods than others. And the one who matches you the best will make you happy forever and ever :) You will KNOW when you find him so you don't have to stress about not knowing. I believe there's a biological button somewhere in there that tells you the time is right. And you will feel that you were meant to be together.

   I learned that most (if not all) of those cheesy motivational quotes are TRUE and that life is so much more surprising than the movies. 

   I learned that you will want to look back to your life and it's wonderful to have a blog or diaries to read when you do that. So keep writing, keep documenting, keep sharing. Because some things you write can help others and when you hear that you will be the happiest.

   I learned that flowers and kids can lift your spirit on a bad day and that very good food will always inspire you to cook more. 

   I learned that ALL DREAMS come true if you strongly believe in them and if you keep thinking about them. 

   I learned that no matter his shape, there IS a God out there and someone up there ALWAYS loves you. 

   I could write a book, dear diary, and maybe someday I will :) But today I'll stop here and I'll go enjoy my birthday :)

With love and excitement,

D.

  

Changing the world

Dear diary,

   Everyone has an ultimate purpose in their life: maybe being happy, having a beautiful family of their own, being rich and popular, creating something truly beautiful or maybe changing the world, like I do. We all want something big while we're here. The top of our list. The thing we work for, strive for, dream about. I want to heal the world, as cheesy as it might sound. I want to help people, make their lives better, change their way of thinking, make them happy. Not just for now, but on the long term. I want to see people who love each other and who live a long, happy life. I know it might sound like a utopia in today's society, but when you're working as a psychologist, you can see that happening in bits and pieces of what you're trying to do. The problem is that working in a kindergarten has its perks but also its disadvantages. You can't see the kid on the long term. He graduates and he goes away. You don't know how much you actually helped. If you helped. Working with small kids is a neverending challenge. Today, they may be quiet, obeying and pay attention to what you want to teach them and know they actually learned something but tomorrow you might feel like an alien on a different planet and no matter how you try to make yourself understood, you can't do it. They just don't seem to want to listen. Because what they truly want is to PLAY. And it's all natural. Because they're KIDS.

   I've had a feeling of helplessness lately. The feeling that makes you question your very existence. "Am I actually making a change here? Do I actually HELP or do I keep trying in vain and nothing changes? What should I do next? How should I take this failure?" But then I realized you can't change the whole world in a single day. God took 6 days to build it. He didn't rush. He simply took His time. So why should I? Why do I tend to fall into the parents' expectations of being a doctor who serves a pill that makes their kids perfectly adapted and well behaved? I can't do that no matter how hard I try and if I keep wishing for sudden, huge changes I will never see that. As a wise friend said recently, I might not change the world in the kindergarten but at least I put the kids in the right direction. And that helps too, right? The fact that they ALL want to jump on me, hugging me EVERY SINGLE TIME I go to visit them, the fact that they say "I love you, Dana" and "I'm so happy to see you" already gives me a feedback of a job well done. No matter how the kids actually perceive the help I wanted to give them. At least they show appreciation. Which means I'm not that far from what I actually wanted. I am making the tiniest differences in their small worlds, and I should be satisfied with THAT. I should accept that small changes are still changing the world. That doing the best I can with what I have NOW is good too. So, for a while now, I choose to give up on my performance anxiety and just keep doing what I do and be happy to see all my kids HAPPY. In the end, that's my ultimate purpose, right? 

Mental self note: See the bigger picture! Don't get lost in the small details!

Hopeful,

D.

Pride and prejudice

Dear diary,

   Every day I discover genuine acts of kindness around me, so little and yet so inspiring. And the most amazing thing is that they all come from the most unexpected people ever, the subjects of criticisms and prejudice.
   I want to be above that. I want to stop generalizing that a certain type of people are bad or not trustworthy, I want to stop feeling Fear, Guilt or Anger. I want to be a better person and not just say it, but act upon it and leave out all the negative thinking involving other people. Because, in the end, the rules from kindergarten apply to the rules of the society we live in: we all need to accept each other just the way we are (unless we're harming each other) and stop thinking we should change because we're grown ups and we're all the product of our upbringing... The written sequels of our parents' tales. Ones that can't be unwritten. So why keep trying to find the perfect rubber when we could just watch the tales in a different light and take the good things out of them?
   I'm still fixated on our brain being prone to negativity. I want to keep fighting to stay positive and take the beautiful energy out of this huge library of tales. Transform the "Pride and Prejudice" into "Love and Understanding" so that I could be happy every single day. It's so easy to be happy. And it's so easy to be good, kind and loving, too :)

Smiling wide,

D.

Day 349. 28 years later

   Today it's 28 years since my parents got married. That sounds like a lot, huh? A lifetime spent together. Ups and downs, laughs and tears, a lot of hard work raising me and my brother. 

   I know that many times we're not on the same page regarding life issues and I know it's difficult for them to see beyond the bare necessities like having a good job, getting married and having a beautiful family but in the end I admire them. Because they're still together, still loving and respecting each other. They raised us beautifully even if I thought they're over protective. I guess they're just parents. And they want the best for their kids. 

   I wish I'd get my 28th wedding anniversary too. And be happy and in love just like them:) 

Happy anniversary, dear mom and dad!

Day 341. Forever happy

   Today I went out with an old friend to catch up. It's always awesome to see that some friends never fade away even if you don't talk to each other in a long while:) 

   The conclusions we both came to are that sometimes you can be mediocre in a place, but a star in another; that unfortunately nobody is irreplaceable but that shouldn't make you hopeless. Instead you should look harder until you find a suitable option for you. And whenever that moment happens you ought to stick to it real hard and not let anyone take it from you. Fight for it and never let it go because that's what makes you happy. 

   We realized that parents will always think they know better but that they often get lost in a conventional way of seeing life, a protective way, but not one that's up to nowadays reality. 

   In the end what matters in life is going for what you want and defending your right to be happy. Because real happiness is worth fighting for and nobody can take it away from you if you don't let them:)

Day 278. Dilemma

   Life is a series of paradoxes. All waiting to be lived. Again and again.

  When we're little we depend on our parents for everything. Even if we don't realize it then we take all the information they send towards us, willingly or not. And so we somehow become mini versions of them (try thinking about it before saying a definite "not true!"). After that, when we reach teenage years we suddenly want to be independent and take life in our own hands. We feel misunderstood and neglected by the same parents who covered us in their affection all those previous years. Weird, huh? Further on, as we grow older we give birth to other types of dependencies and it turns out we're never actually as independent as we want to believe. Yeah, we state it out loud, but deep down we each have our own issue we want to get rid of. Can we, really? No matter how hard we try, it will haunt us forever. It's the dependence our parents instilled in us. It's what they did wanting us to be perfect and forgetting to let us be "ourselves". 

   So in the end, is it really MY life? Or is it a repeated sequence of the same life changed in a chapter or two? Are we the reminiscent life of the ones before us?