The monsters within

   Dear diary,

   These past days I've been too tired to think... stressed with the registration for a big exam next summer, preparing to go to Bucharest for a degree and hand making 7 advent calendars (I finally realized people around me were right. They're too many!). Aaaaand on top of all this, counseling kids, parents and teachers every day and doing all the other things my job involves. You'd say it's easy peasy, right? Cos I love my job, but somehow, I donno how, every time I get home I'm sooo tired and worn out that I'm not even in the mood for the calendars. And there's just one week left (ouch!). No worries. I'll make it work and I'll learn. Settle for less next year:) 

   Thing is I've been observing myself this past week and I realized what I learned in school was true: our brain is truly prone to negativity... especially MINE. I had so many things going on lately and my brain chose to see only the bad parts. It was like it was trying to make a puzzle only from the things that "could go wrong", "did go wrong" or "might have gone wrong". And all this because I'm a perfectionist and I can't settle for less than 100%. So it seems that other percentages scare me. They make me think of scenarios that most probably aren't true. They make me doubt myself. 

   I'm a psychologist and I'm not perfect. I have problems, fears, things about me that I wish I could change but I can't. And that scares me the most. I'm not perfect. I'll never be. Some parents will judge me no matter how much I try to help them, kids will never be angels, there will be times when I won't be able to control everything and I'll have to depend on people, money will be scarce and in the middle of all this I need somebody to remind me life goes on and ignorance is bliss. 

   I really wish I could turn off my "caring button" from time to time. But I know that what parents instilled in us during childhood remains with us our whole life. It will be a constant battle, sometimes I'll win, other times I'll lose. I just have to remember to lift my head and go on. Even if I'm bone-tired. 

   Christmas is just around the corner. It's time to get a good night sleep and start fresh tomorrow. The awesomest month is approaching!

ZzzzZzzzz,

D.

Roller coasting

   Have you ever ridden a roller coaster? If you have then you know there are two options while on it: either madly laugh or scream in fear. The ride isn't smooth and you know it. There are plenty exciting going ups and just as many steep going downs. At the end of the ride, you go home bearing that photo that reminds you of your adventure. Will you be sitting somewhere alone, frightened and with a dreadful look on your face? Or will you be holding tight onto someone next to you or maybe even on that safety equipment but bear a huge grin on your face?

   Life is always going up and down. In fact, you're in a perpetual roller coaster since you're born whether you want it or not. But how you react to it and to the lack of control is what decides what happens next. You can give into that fear that bursts into your body when going down or you can close your eyes and enjoy the ride knowing that whatever happens everything will be OK in the end. 

   Sometimes... okay, many times in our life we lose control. How do you react? Do you get scared, blame someone for it and then become angry with that someone? Will anger solve your problems? Why not let it be and enjoy the things you can control? 

   I wonder why we give into fear and anger so easily... Some say it's because we don't trust ourselves and we have a low self esteem, that when we lose control while having a low self esteem it seems like the ground is shifting beneath our feet... so we start getting angry to regain that control. But that anger is just a mere illusion:) What do you think? How do you react when you can't control things?

Day 313. Count your blessings

   Our brain is prone to seeing the negative side of life first. Because this way it finds problems to solve. But somehow that's our biggest enemy: that we start counting the troubles first and just rarely remember the good things in our life. Indeed, the good ones don't need fixing, but if we don't acknowledge them, be thankful for them or work to preserve them, it will be a matter of time until they turn into some of our troubles. 

   Each evening I sit on my balcony and watch the sunset. The interesting part is that every single day, no matter how gloomy or moody the weather is until 8 o'clock PM, the sun always shines again an hour before setting. And it offers me amazing sunsets and terrific photographic material. Each evening I feel more and more blessed:)

   So, don't forget. No matter how many problems your brain might find during the day, at the end of it:

Day 296. Rain aftermath

   Isn't life a continuous sequence of sun and rain? Interestingly, the sun always shines after the rain. No matter how furious the storm, how many problems it causes or how many problems you cause yourself. 

   Story of my life:

   So the storm and I mingled today and we elaborated more problems than we should have. 

   And now that the sun rose I'm trying to figure out which are the real ones and which I have invented and after I'll be done with it the night will come and tomorrow will be another perfect day for making up other problems. It's what I'm best at... And I hate it.

   I wish it would just stop and I could turn off my emotions whenever I feel like. Can I do that? Pleaaaaase?

Day 211. Blood, sweat and tears

   Some people have it in them. They feel the urge and they can't resist it. They take the opportunity thinking that they'll help others this way. But in the end, it's all going to be just blood, sweat and tears until they learn their decision wasn't the best one. But what can you do when you feel the need to be a leader? It's in you. You can fight it, but you can't deny it. And you'll shortly notice you can't standby. 

   Today I found out what being a leader really involves. Leading a whole kindergarten brings up a lot of responsibilities, being blamed any time something goes wrong and being pulled and pushed in every direction possible just because you're in charge. It takes a lot of stress, weight loss and irrational thinking because you care. Because you want to make the world a better place and rule fairly. You only want them to be happy and all they feel is envy. Why be a leader then? Why take all the blame for people who don't know how to solve their own problems? Why try to make the world a better place when other people only try to make it work for themselves in order to have a comfy life? 

   The negative outcomes certainly surpass the positive ones, but you go to sleep at night telling yourself that you don't want to let a tyrant destroy everything you built. So you sacrifice yourself and take it all with the thought that there are innocent people who will suffer more if you give up. Therefore, you accept the role and move on hoping. Hoping that one day you will succeed in making the world a better place:)

Day 188. Coping mechanisms

  Today I remembered the power of diving into other people's lives as a coping mechanism with the problems that you can't control.

   I saw this little angel after a long while and we had fun together. Kids always get me going and help me focus on something else than myself. I give you Vlad, my little cousin.

   I also understood there are options for a life as a new born family:) There's still hope in this world. I want to believe I'm going to be able to have my own home without excruciating sacrifices. 

   In the end... "Everything will be ok. If it's not ok, it means it's not the end." 

Day 168. Stand up

   Now and then we have to make some tough decisions that we'd rather avoid making, hoping that way the problems would solve themselves. But we all know they don't. Instead, they just pile up and make us feel worse and worse each time we face them. 

   After talking to various people who all told me I am right for thinking about making this decision, I am changing my family doctor. My last sickness that brought us together revealed to me that her behavior towards her patients is definitely not appropriate and that I have the right not to accept to be treated like that. My friends made me realize we're not living in a totalitarian system anymore and that I can stand up for my rights. Choose differently. Better. That's the problem with most of us. We choose to stay in bad relationships because we think we deserve them or maybe because we're afraid there's never gonna be something better out there.... that they're all the same. But NO! They aren't. People are made to be unique and that means you don't have to settle down for mediocre. So I found a better doctor already and I'm moving forward even if it's a bit uncomfortable. Changes can be that way. But I'm thinking about my future: Do I want to be afraid to go see the doctor whenever I feel sick? Do I want to be misunderstood and not know what sickness I have or how to treat it? No, I don't, so I stand up and move on. There's always better out there. Don't settle down for mediocre! 

Day 128. Improvise

   Many of the inventions that make our life easier nowadays were discovered by mistake or because people improvised. Don't be afraid to let your imagination solve your problems for you. Choose to be creative when you're stuck! 

   I needed a knife today but nobody heard me so I used a spoon instead. The banana slices were surely good enough for the pancakes as they were:) Problem solved, yummy food, happy people:)

Day 66. Fix you

   We're all broken one way or another. Problems, worries and disappointments, they all break us up. But it's up to us to fix ourselves to be able to smile again. 

   We need to focus on the things that we DO have and be thankful for them instead of worrying about the ones we don't, we need to stop the gloomy thoughts and start trusting life again because she wants to embrace us and we should let her. 

Let's be creative and make the best out of what we have now:)

Day 24. Think positive!

   There are some people around us who tell us life is tough. Very tough. But I am sure there are also some people on this planet, like me, who want to believe everything is going to be ok. I just know it. No matter what happens along the way, no matter how many problems we will face, we will always find the suitable solutions to solve those problems and we CAN be happy even while finding those solutions. So, let's think positive!:)