365 days project 2. Day 57. Parenthood

   Parenthood - I think about this concept more and more these days because a lot of people my age are having babies around me.
   Working with kids makes me meditate upon this subject thoroughly very often. Some would say that thinking about it could be my body telling me I'm ready to have a baby myself. I don't agree. I think that choosing to be a parent is a major lifechanging decision that has to be well thought before. It involves sacrificing yourself and your time to raise a human being. And not just raising it to become a functional, healthy person but also to mould it in order to leave the world better than they found it.

   Being a parent involves being a teacher and not everybody is made to be a teacher. Kids are a gift you can't give back. Ever. It's an experience that will change you forever and that will switch your priorities. 

   Are we ready to have kids or are we still having them just because we come of age and it's expected of us? How many of the parents that have kids now are good parents, ready parents and how many of young people my age jump into it just because that's the next step after getting married? I know friends who had kids because they really wanted them and even if they were not completely ready mentally speaking (are we ever?) they learn to be good parents every day. That's an option too :) 

   I only wish that we have kids when WE choose and when we feel we are ready both financially and mentally so that those kids can have a bright future.
   I thought about it for a while and I choose to wait some more. I still need to learn.

365 days project 2. Day 54. The unexpected inspiration

    I never expected a book to make me want to paint again. 

   I've been reading "Paris is always a good idea" by Nicolas Barreau (my newest favorite author that I discovered in Canada) for the past week and every time I immersed myself in the world of the book I felt this deep surge to go buy watercolors and brushes. And today I finally did. The book is very visual and artistic, about this painter woman who paints custom made postcards in watercolors. It's so amazing and vivid that it became my favorite book ever.

   Let me get this straight so you can understand why I am so surprised: I consider myself an artist. I love photography, writing and all those crafty DIY projects but while I was a student in school I always told myself I was not good at painting or drawing. My art teachers were generous with their grades but deep down I knew I didn't have this talent in me so I never tried to paint again after I finished the art classes in high school. I always admired painters but I just knew that I wasn't made for that. Until today. Today I had this huge desire to paint. I followed a video online on how to paint poppies and I painted this. The whole process was very relaxing and cathartic.
   Who knew a book could awaken such feelings inside me? I foresee more painting in my future :) All thanks to my favorite book!

365 project 2: Day 5. Take a peek

   Today wasn't an easy day at work. I spent some time in a class that seen from the outside might seem like your average, Romanian kindergarten class. Until hell unleashed. Some kids were crying, others were fighting and others were running everywhere... all in the same time. I have no idea how the teacher could handle this class until today. She seemed defeated too. 

   I won't complain about the system again. We all know it's faulty. For me it wasn't as hard as it was for her, because I only visit her class once a week. I know her problematic kids, but the complicated thing is that they're all put together in the same class with only one teacher to oversee them, a teacher that will slowly go mad if something doesn't change... and how could it change if the parents see the teacher for 2 minutes a day; one minute... when she's smiling in the morning while greeting the kids and the other one at noon when she waves them goodbye. 

   Parents expect us to raise their kids while they have no idea what's going on at school because they don't ask questions other than "did he eat?". Is that the most important thing in a child's life?

   Why do people have kids if they don't WANT kids? Why does society pressure us into getting married and having a child if we're not going to be THERE for him and teach him how to fly? Why do we expect the teachers to do our job? ... I might change my view in some years when I'll have my own kids, but showing interest and asking the teachers details about how you can help your kid be better every day can make everybody's life so much easier... 

   If the parents would take a peek, just a little one, inside the everyday life of that teacher, I bet they would change their behavior. I hope that one day they will. Then they will realize she deserves so much more than a flower on the 8th of March.

Hang in there!

Dear diary,

   I probably told you this before, but now and then I keep having a deep sense of helplessness when I'm at work. I realized that my first year in the kindergarten was very different to this one (the third). Back then I was full of desire, hope and will to change the world/the kindergarten into a better place and help all the needy kids. Now I know I can actually change only 1% of what I wanted back then and that makes me feel really useless sometimes. 

   It's hard to see yourself willing to help but facing the resistance of the parents who don't want to cooperate or are absolutely convinced that their kids are perfectly fine. Just as tough is to see how many kids have permissive parents who let them have everything they want without any rule or boundary. So then, when they come to the kindergarten we face really difficult kids who don't want to obey you at all and who always do the opposite of what they're told. I know, you might say we don't know how to act properly, but believe me, we've tried EVERYTHING and sometimes, in days like this you just collapse. 

   And little by little, I started resembling some of my fellow coworkers' way of thinking. They left the educational system in favor of opening their own private practice because they realized that working in a kindergarten or school doesn't bring you the satisfaction you wished for at first. I don't seriously consider leaving the system yet, but it's funny how in the first year I wouldn't understand them, and now I feel exactly the same. It's very, very tough to be a psychologist that isn't listened to and even harder to be a teacher. It takes all the patience you have and a great deal of work done with yourself in lowering your expectations regarding the kids and their families. 

    But then again, there are days like TODAY, when everything went smoothly. I had great activities with the kids, they were all very involved, willing to cooperate and full of love and for a second there I thought that I might not be changing the whole world, but 1% is a good start.

   So, there you have it. My huge smile today from morning to evening, everywhere I went. I really had a great day and I needed to remind myself that I should hang in there because life has its ups and downs and we all have good days and bad days and I should just keep doing what I love without expecting so much from myself or... the world :)

   By the way, Oliver and I are moving in together this weekend and I've been packing my stuff for a month now. I never believed I own SO MANY THINGS and SO MANY BOOKS. It's all very exciting and I can't wait to tell you all about the move and what comes after :)

Still smiling,

D.

Looking back to 2014

Dear diary,

   2014 was one of the most beautiful years of my life, definitely the peak of my journey until now.
   At the beginning of it, I said:

   "I don't know about others, but I always tried to be the best person in the world and I often failed. And then guess what happened. I felt guilty. And responsible. Well this year, I'm done with being extra cautious. This year I'm learning from my past mistakes but I'm also thinking about me instead of putting the others first every single time. I'm going to buy what I feel like buying, spend time how I feel like and do whatever feels right. Out with the guilt, in with the inner peace."

   Unlike other years, in 2014 I did what I planned, but like any other year, it had its ups and downs. It was difficult precisely because a change doesn't come all of a sudden, and when you're used to always think about others thinking about YOURSELF feels selfish. I took an extreme decision, a life changing one that I never thought I would have to take. It was difficult, but I knew I had to do it. And after I did it I knew I had to go straight ahead and never look back. Of course that's kind of impossible. And here's where the guilt came in. I looked back and I felt bad for leaving broken stuff behind, but somehow I understood that this was MY journey and I kept going and going and going. And this is how I found Wonderland. The land of lifelong dreams coming true, the land of thousands of new experiences, of not only "beginning to bloom" but being in full bloom. 

   2014 was definitely the year when I knew for sure I became a woman. 

   One that knows what she wants and fights for it without regrets. One that not only thinks about others, but who considers her long term happiness too. One that keeps her inner child nourished and who protects it against anybody who thinks you're immature if you're childlike. This past year I surprised myself and the others. I went the extra mile. But I kept being the happy-go-lucky kind of girl everybody knows. 

   I was blessed to meet the love of my life. The one who completes me perfectly. The male improved version of me. He's my role model, my best friend, my rock, my reason to smile and dream and love, my fairy tale, my everything. It seems improbable that a love story like ours would happen. But I know for sure, we both know, that we're made for each other.

... and that's why we got engaged. When you find the One, you just feel it. So you don't need a lot of time to discover each other. You just know :)

   With my fiancé came a whole new world that I discovered step by step in 2014. The world of cooking as a passion, of opening a restaurant, of meeting a lot of wonderful people and trying out a multitude of new dishes (like I always wanted). Everything was so new to me and yet, so exciting.

   I was a camp teacher for the first time in my life during summer camp and I absolutely LOVED it!!! Will do it again this year. It was such an intense and emotional experience for me. I'll never ever forget it :)

    I had my first big exam teachers have and I passed it. Yay!

   I traveled around the country and to France and Switzerland for the first time. It was enriching, empowering, breathtaking. I also flew for the first time.

   I read more than I planned to. And I love that. I want to keep discovering amazing authors, to fall in love with new books.

   I overcame my fear related to Quilling and I started it as a new hobby. I now love to quill a birthday card or a special event card for my friends and family.

   I made 9 Advent calendars. More than last year. It was hard, but I loved every step.

   I went caroling with my family again after a lot of years.

   ... and I had the Christmas tree of my dreams. Again.

I spent New Year's Eve in a wonderful rush at Off the Wall. 

2014... I LOVED IT ALL!

In 2015 I want to be right here, right now and enjoy the journey that goes on.

With love and excitement,

D.

Sunshine, rainbows and butterflies

Dear diary,

   We're surrounded by negativity every day. Me, more than others. And I feel the need to actively push it away and surround myself with positivity instead. So that's why I love a good sunny day, a rainbow after a summery storm or a colorful place when I see it. I breathe art, I live through it and it's the most important thing that keeps me going. So no, dear teacher from Psychology University, I believe you're not right in saying weather doesn't influence us and that it's all in our head and our own interpretation. I am very much influenced by it and a ray of sunshine after a whole cloudy day can make my day, a colorful notebook or that perfect green dress that I saw behind a window do change my day in so many ways I can't even tell you. I don't know how it happens, but I just know it does. How else would you explain color therapy or music therapy working with the same effects as your cognitive therapy on patients all over the world? 

   So, dear diary, I want to choose what I believe in and I wanna have MY OWN religion. I do appreciate people's opinions and some of them are applicable but I will go on as a dreamer and a beautiful artist who loves her own little bubble and who is thrilled every time she sees other artists like her out there. I'm not alone and I feel so good to know there are others like me in the midst of all these realistic people who know what I should do to be happy. Nope, they don't. They know what would make THEM happy, but we're so different so why not accept our differences and celebrate them supporting each other every time we're happy about something? :) In the end, feeling understood and valued is what we all need to be really happy.

Feeling wise,

D.

Day 330. Brand new

   We all go through new situations at some point. Things we're not used to, things we gotta deal with even if we don't know how to. Those are the situations that are going to be cornerstones for our future development. The ones that will help us get more knowledge and achieve wisdom more easily. Because how would we evolve if life was only a continuous routine where nothing new ever happened? 

   New things used to scare me when I was a teenager because I liked my things the way I had them. So whenever something new happened, be it having a new teacher, needing to solve a new type of problem or discovering a new social network I felt odd. I would always reject it at first and it would take me a while to get used to it. The thing I learned these past years, though, is that we can accommodate to anything. No matter how bad, strange or how uncomfortable it is, we find a way to cope with it. Sure, if we can avoid it, we will do that, but when it's one of those things you have get used to... you will. Our nature helps us accommodate and keep learning from our experience. So why avoid new situations if they can help you grow? 

   Today I decided to make an account on tumblr. It's still weird for me, but I'm figuring it out. And I'm surely not feeling odd anymore:) Cos now I know new is good. New is a pathway to better. So here's so outrunning ourselves!:)

Day 327. Another day to remember

   This is the day. The day when all studying ends and we try to convince other people that we know what psychology is about. We let them come into our world and hope they will like it enough to give us a high mark and let us enjoy the next year of our life in a good workplace. 

   That's what teachers do. They take an exam each year and hope for the best. They get ready for it for months, so that's how friends and family forget how they look like. They all can't wait for it to be over. And one day, today, the loop ends. Anxiety is coming to the surface and worrying thoughts swim across the mind. Teachers don't know what lays ahead of them, they just hope for the best. And then something happens. Something that changes their day.

 

   I wasn't nervous this morning. Not because I studied hard and I was confident or because I received the opportunity to work in the same kindergarten next year... but because of her. The wise music teacher. One of the examination supervisors. One that knew psychology better than we did and that had to lose it all to reach wisdom and be able to teach others how to cool down and laugh their stress away before a big exam. One that gave us a life lesson. 

   We had to wait for a whole hour before the exam and in that time she took our minds off of it. We were no longer in a foreign class, in a foreign school, waiting for the exam subjects to be delivered to us. We were attending an awesome course about happiness. She told us that the key to happiness isn't getting attached to the people around us. Happiness is loving and setting them free. Free to be themselves, not the ones we expect them to be. And, among others, she reminded me that when we want something, we should believe in getting it and ask for it with all our heart. And it shall be given to us because of our faith:) 

   So when the subjects came in, I bet all of us asked to have an easy exam and get a high mark:) It's funny how we needed to meet this woman to psychologically prepare us for an exam on psychology:)  And it's awesome that we did. Cos in the end when the subjects came in we were all confident that we could be the best version of ourselves right there, on that paper, and I donno about the others, but I enjoyed that exam. Some interesting ideas popped in my mind, some that might pleasantly impress the teacher reading my paper, the same ones that made me smile during the exam because that teacher changed my life and I needed her there. I needed her to tell me that attachment is not love and that love is setting people free from our expectations:) I was already in that battle with myself lately and her verbalizing it meant I took the right decision.

   Everything does happen for a reason:)

Day 247. The insight

   Today it was the second day of the workshop regarding family counseling for children with difficulties in school. It both trilled me and it made me sad. Really sad. Because I finally understood why I am a drama queen and why I worry about other people's opinions, why I always strive for perfection and why my brain is more negative than the others'. 

   You see, this teacher is really good at what she's doing and I felt like she opened up my eyes and made me see the world differently. She helped me understand how I can really help the kids at the kindergarten and at the end of day I know I'm happy I chose this workshop. 

   I realized I'd love to be a family counselor but in the same time I realized all my psychological issues are due to a lack of validation from my parents during adolescence. I was always the different sheep in the family: artistic, dreamy, childish. I often wanted something else and many times they couldn't understand me. So they tried to put me back on their track and make me be like them. But all they succeeded was making me feel like I can't be understood. Like I'm too different. So I always needed attention, appreciation and affection and if I didn't get it through my art I tried to get it through my marks. But they were never completely satisfied so I got stuck with the "drama queen syndrome" forever. 

   So here I am now, a weirdly molded piece of clay even if they tried to shape me into a beautiful bird. But I guess we all carry around our parents' mistakes and we'll all make our own mistakes when raising our kids. Even if we acknowledge it or not. 

   Therefore, pay attention! Remember the lesson and put into practice when the time is right. You can't change who you are now, but you can be aware of the way you interpret things and that you can change, so dare to try!:)

Day 246. The rush

   Today I had the time of my life. Actually, I thought I was being stood up and I paid for a fake workshop. 

   Let me tell you how all this happened. The day started up with a beautiful morning bathed in sun. I had a yummy breakfast while carelessly walking in a foreign city where I only knew one street and Kaufland. So I had to follow some directions to get to the workshop. Of course I got lost at some point. I managed to get there in the end (asking people always helps, even though they sometimes give you weird directions that make you even more confused) and I met this lady who was heading to a course in the same building. I thought we were both going to the same workshop. Until I found myself in the middle of a lot of Hungarian speakers in a workshop/course that had already started. Before the scheduled hour. Hmmmm, something was fishy. I found out my workshop was going to be downstairs. As I arrived there, I looked around and I was amazed to find out.......... nobody was there: not the organizer, nor another person from a foreign city like me... nobody! After waiting for a while I started calling the teacher who was supposedly holding the workshop. She didn't answer on either phone. I waited some more, but I only got more anxious. From then on my mind worked on some movie like interpretations where people were each told a different meeting point and all this was a biiiiig scheme. Well guess what. The thing was that it wasn't starting at 9 like I was told, but an hour later. 

    Yeah, that changes everything. Oh well. I had the time of my life. And I got amused about the negative brain we all have. It likes to make negative interpretations so that it can solve problems. So my brain got me in a huge rush today. I'd rather not repeat the experience:)

P.S. The workshop was awesome today! Can't wait for tomorrow's sequel!