365 project 2: Day 3. Changing the world

   Today I thought about change. I talked about it so many times before. I thought about it just as many times late at night in bed or randomly during the day in my office or on a bench outside. Change doesn't happen suddenly, just like I said yesterday. We need time and determination. Motivation to change.

   We influence one another every single day. Do we need to change ourselves for the world? I think we do. At least when we realize something is going wrong, when something WE are doing has bad consequences, it hurts people and it prevents them from being happy around us... as lovers, parents, siblings or friends. 

   We all have light and darkness inside of us and we can choose. Do we let the Hulk get out and ruin our friendships and our relationships or do we keep it under control and we start working on ourselves FIRST and then expect people to change instead of the other way around. Change must come from within.

                Think about it. What would you change about yourself in order to change the world?

*Painting made by my best friend, Julia

Moving (on)

Dear diary,

  For 2 years and a half this small, now empty room at the 1st floor of the kindergarten was my office. My first office ever. Now I'm saying goodbye. I'm moving to the other building of the same kindergarten... To a new small room. I guess it's one of the many changes to come this year. 

   I know this change might be insignificant for others but for me it's kind of big because I always tend to get attached to places and people. Maybe that's why this time I surprised myself because I'm not melancholic. I think it's because I have a lot of other reasons to be happy still, even though once changes used to scare me. 

   Bottom line: Everything happens for a reason and it certainly feels good to take on changes without regrets.

Carefree,

D.

Bits of stolen soul

Dear diary,

   The other day I discovered that, just like Augustus in "The fault in our stars", I'm an insatiable soul. I'm never satisfied with an answer, I always want to know more and analyse everything. So even when I'm laying in bed with my eyes closed before falling asleep, I think about something. I analyse, I try to understand. I'm also never satisfied with just reading one book by an author I love. Actually, when I fall in love with a writer, I'm the worst "girlfriend" ever. I suffocate him with my attention buying all his books that saw the light of paper and then I get lost in his universe until I finish the last book written. I love underlining my favorite quotes and transfering them in my life. I identify with his characters and I forget who I am. I let him steal a bit of my soul and I never look back. 

   I realized I developed a deep, complex and consuming relationship with my favorite books. Not in the sense of feeling the urgent need to read them over and over again. (I don't remember if I ever read a book twice.) No. It's consuming in the sense that my life feels empty whenever the book ends. I find myself missing the characters and wondering how their life might be, just like Hazel (the other character in "The fault in our stars") did after reading "An imperial affliction". She made me remember life is damn short and we'd better live it. She inspired me in thinking that maybe when we're born we each receive an hourglass. Some are huge, others are tiny. An anonymous pre-ordered hourglass. And when the sand is finished, we end our beautiful journey. Just like that. Without further explanation. 

   Augustus feared oblivion. I fear the exact same thing, but then my friends said that the smallest gesture we do towards somebody might change his life and so he'll change somebody else's remembering how I changed his. So maybe, just maybe, we do matter. Even when we're stardust, we still matter. And that's the most comforting thing ever. But until I get there, until my dust finishes, I wanna go out there and continue what I started. Keep falling in love with beautiful writers and spread bits of my soul to the ones who earned it. Because, oh, how good does that feel!

Forever in love,

D.

   

   

Rebirth

Dear diary,

   The past two weeks have been crazy but I enjoyed it all even if I had to work day in and day out evaluating kids for school. In the middle of all that, March surprised me with its wonders and its soft touch, its mild rays of sun, its snowdrops, tulips, hyacinths and all those colors I've missed so much during wintertime. 

   I realized life's a kaleidoscope. When we're little we only see the first image and then, as we grow up, we keep turning it and turning it until we see other shades of it every year that passes by. It's interesting to see how even if the months are still 12 and the events are the same every year, their meaning changes every step of the way.

   Things have dramatically changed around me but for the first time in my life I embrace change with a smile on my face knowing that everything happens for a reason and being open to all opportunities that come around. I won't be able to work at the same kindergarten next year, but I accepted the fact that the universe wants me somewhere else, that I have other kids to help, other stories to write, other hugs to give away. 

   Spring is the time of rebirth, isn't it? I'm being born again. I have been bent and broken, but I'm sure, into a better shape:) And I'm happy with my transformation. I live the life I chose, I do what I love and I'm surrounded by good vibes and beautiful experiences. So, take me by the hand, spring! Let's explore the world together!

   

Always a spring lover,   

D.

Loading adulthood

   Dear diary,

   Sometimes I wish I could understand everything that's happening to me. I know it all has a reason, but I don't know THE reason. Life seems so complicated lately. Being an adult involves a lot of serious long term decisions that you need to take not knowing where they lead you. 

   They say you should take every day as it comes and I'm trying to do that but unlike all the previous years 2014 is definitely gonna make it or break it. Full of important life changing events that will outline my future path, it surely puts a lot of pressure on my shoulders. 

   I don't know about others, but I tend to feel kinda lost lately. Yeah, I know who I am and what I like, but I don't know what's gonna happen next. Who does, anyway? 

   So here's to an interesting 2014 that I'm certainly looking forward to experience! I'm sure life will continue to give me unexpected gifts exactly when I need them the most. 

 

Loading adulthood ...

D.

Welcome to the new age

Dear diary,

   2013 was a great year for me. I went places, I met dear people, I had all sorts of first experiences that made me feel so good:) I learned things about myself. Things that hurt me at first but then prepared me for the future. I began to bloom and get ready to spread my wings and fly. 

   Now it's already 2014 and I'm thinking that while being a teenager I believed in the "New year, new person" thing. I thought you could just change your whole being if you wanted to. Then I grew up and I hated that statement. Now I don't hate it anymore. I just know that changing your whole personality is not an option, but changing your attitude is. 

   So this year I will make a change that will bring a whole new perspective in my life. That thing I was looking to since forever but for some reasons I was afraid to accept and show it. It doesn't mean I'll be releasing my demons, it just means I won't be afraid to be who I really am. With ups and downs, light and darkness, every time true to myself. 

   I don't know about others, but I always tried to be the best person in the world and I often failed. And then guess what happened. I felt guilty. And responsible. Well this year, I'm done with being extra cautious. This year I'm learning from my past mistakes but I'm also thinking about me instead of putting the others first every single time. I'm going to buy what I feel like buying, spend time how I feel like and do whatever feels right. Out with the guilt, in with the inner peace. 

  

"Everything is right as long as it makes you happy and you're not hurting the others." 

   I feel it already. The new age, the new attitude, the awesome adventures waiting to be lived with full intensity:) Can't wait!

Forever young,

D.

I want you to know

   On this sunny October day I want you to know that life is never perfect, but it's always beautiful.

   That it goes on no matter how hard the journey might seem. You'll need your friends to ease that up, but you can make it.

    That you always have options. Even when you think you don't.

   That people don't change, their needs do. And sometimes there's nothing you can do to make them happy anymore. But that only means your job there is done and you have to go somewhere else and make other people happy.

   That when you're sure something will happen, life takes you by surprise and you have to move on with it... or you'll be left behind. 

   That things never last for a lifetime but they can be fixed. Or replaced.

   That people want you to listen and you want them to listen as well. Do that by taking turns or you'll end up in a mess you created yourself.

   That great effort is always rewarded. If not by others at least by yourself. You'll feel awesome!

   That you'll want your days to be longer but they'll always seem too short. Pick whatever will help you say "What an awesome day!" when you go to sleep.

   That you won't understand everything that happens to you. But you don't have to. Accept everything that comes in your life. There will be times when you'll be frustrated, but remember, there's a lesson for you at every corner.

    That you can always find a reason to be grateful. You just have to close your eyes and think.

   That there are hundreds or thousands of books written exactly for you that are waiting to be discovered. Look for them and they'll reveal themselves to you.

   That lost time doesn't come back so think about leaving something behind. Memories, photos, diaries. Record your life somewhere. You'll be thankful to rediscover it in some years.

   That money don't bring happiness. It's all in your head. You can craft or recycle instead of buying. Just use your imagination.

   That people need to be reminded how important they are to you. So let them know. 

   That if you want something, want it badly and it will come true. Be careful what you wish for, though. 

   That fear, guilt and anger will only bring bad consequences. Be at peace with yourself and with others. 

    That life is worth being explored, enjoyed, lived to the fullest. So do it! Do it now!:)

Day 346. That special feeling

   From time to time you get that special feeling of being in love with the world. It's that unexplainable thing that makes you be high on happiness, that feeling of "I wouldn't change anything about how my life looks right now." You forget about anything that needs to be solved, anything that's not perfect and you just wear that dumb smile on your face and you feel like you'd hug everybody. 

   That feeling usually comes on a perfect summer evening. You just lay down in the sunset light, close your eyes and realize you finished solving the puzzle, that every piece is now put in its right place and you're proud to have figured things out. You open your eyes and you're still smiling. Because you're looking forward to solving the next puzzle life has prepared for you. And because you know that if you were able to finish all the ones you were given until now, you're trained enough to finish the ones to come too. And that gives you strength and peace. The peace of knowing you're in control. What better feeling do you need?:)

Day 334. The odd one out

  We all want to fit in, be accepted and appreciated by the people we like or admire. Some will just be themselves and hope that will work out fine while others will feel like they have to change some tiny parts of them to make sure they do fit in. If they get to do that, at some point when they look in the mirror they will be facing a stranger, a person way too different than they are. It sounds cliché, but it happens every day. Mostly, to people who have self esteem issues. 

   It's hard to stay true to yourself and know that you might not fit in a group you like. Being social "animals", we want to be surrounded by people and not just any kind, but awesome ones. The kind of people who make us feel awesome as well. And there's where our mistake is. We try to be awesome with the wrong group. Why wrong? Because we have to try to make ourselves liked. 

   So my lesson for today is: first love yourself and the right people will love you too. Don't push it and don't try to be somebody you're not only to please others around you. Stay true to yourself and learn how to assertively tell the others that you're different. I know, common interests connect people, but just because you don't like the exact same music as somebody else, doesn't mean you can't still have common interests:) Be you and never be ashamed to stand for yourself: "No, dude, I don't drink vodka or tequila. I don't listen to death metal and I don't smoke. But I did love that psychological movie you were talking about and I drink beer. How about that?" 

Day 324. The rough change

   From time to time we face our three fears: the fear of our haunting past, the fear of our uncertain present and the fear of our lonely and unfulfilled future. 

     The meeting is always rough and it hurts like hell but at some point we must look them in the eye and start chatting like old buddies for they are the ones that stop us from moving on with a smile on our face knowing that everything will be ok. 

   Sure, we hate the mistakes we've made in the past, but they made us better. We have no idea if our present friends are the real ones we'll have our whole life but sometimes we gotta let them go and see if they come back. We can't predict the future on the long term. We don't even know what tomorrow brings, but we gotta remember "today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday" and that we figured it out after all.

   So, let's accept our past mistakes cos we didn't know better, let some  of our friends go and see if they come back and stop worrying about tomorrow. Everything WILL be ok, no matter how many friends, money or things we will have. It's the inner peace we need. So we gotta stop and make a change of thought. 

  

Day 295. Broken

   Today I realized how broken I am... aren't we all? And as much as I don't want to depend on people, that's just how we're built: we need someone who's patient enough to stick around us and gently give us back to ourselves fixing all our broken pieces so that afterwards we can go and fix somebody else until we all paid it forward. 

   It's funny how we're all patients and doctors in the same time. And it's even funnier how the fixing process happens. Sometimes we're so stubborn in not wanting to be fixed but we want to fix them all around us so they would match our pattern. But can we really change every unique being into something just like us? 

   So we should better accept them as they are and fix them when they ask for it. And finally let ourselves be fixed. In the end, we're all broken, aren't we?

Day 271. Upside down

   It's been almost 3 weeks since my life is upside down. And the funny part is that I love it!

   I've said it before, I'm saying it now too: When you start working, your whole life changes. You marry your workplace and you start living together. At first everything seems very exciting and you're curious to discover how this or that works, but after some months everything becomes a routine. You just go to work and then you just come home. Many times you won't even have time to do something else during the day. So in the end, even if you like what you do, you get frustrated. And bored. Just like being in a very long lasting relationship that you drag with you only because you're afraid of being single. When this occurs, you need "a thrill". Something to make you feel alive again, like a teenager, like a student you used to be only a year ago. Something to keep you forever young. 

   I discovered this is one of my biggest issues. I am only 25 but I am already afraid of aging. I can't imagine myself at the age of 30, 35 or 40. It feels so scary only thinking about it: being surrounded by lots of youngsters who have some growing up to do and then you, standing still and knowing you can't transform anymore... the only difference being that you're getting uglier and less healthy. But I know this is not a good way of thinking and I remember what a wise teacher once told us: "Your purpose in life should be to age beautifully. Only that way you get to be wise at the end of your life." 

   So I am dismissing the bad thoughts and I am focusing on accepting my age and the experience and benefits that come with it. And since I found the "thrill" that turned my life upside down, I'm enjoying it every single day. My days are now brighter and happier. Only now did I realize how much I needed it. How much I needed feeling young again and how awesome the feeling really is:)

Day 262. The quiet before the storm

   There are stressed people out there. And careless people too. The careless ones swim through life knowing that somehow it will all be OK. The stressed ones always want to be the best. They want everything to be perfect and and they need to be sure they control every little detail of their life. 

   All my life I wanted to be careless. But I couldn't. What if I have something to lose? What if something will go wrong precisely because of my careless attitude? How do you get to be a whole new person when you wake up one morning and you realize you're already an adult? Can you still change something and in the end is it even worth trying? 

   I tried it today. My negative brain fought against me so much but in the end I prevailed. So I guess you CAN make a small change here and there if you really want to. In the end you're the master of your brain. Or is it vice-versa?

Day 249. What goes around comes around

   When you do something with passion, people notice and they say "thank you":)

   Today I was pleasantly surprised by a cute "thank you". It was a really nice way of ending my supervision in my former high school. Even though at times I felt totally overwhelmed, now I know I learned something and I feel I've climbed another step towards being a good practitioner:)

   At the end of the day, I'm glad I could make a change in some people's life. Of course, I couldn't change them all, but you know what they say, it's enough if you reach 1 person. So I guess I can safely say: mission accomplished!:)

Day 228. Never say never

   A bird held in captivity will be very fearful and will not want to stay on your finger when you let it out in your room. Though, it happened to my dad. Years ago I told myself I would never wear that and now I find myself loving it and thanking the heavens I haven't thrown it away. I disliked the shower gel mom once received and now, when the bottle is almost gone I'm thinking about buying some more. 

   In the past years I met plenty of situations that told me I should "never say never" because things can change faster than you think. YOU might change. You might want something else in a few years simply because you're developing, growing to be an adult. The adult brain makes you see life differently even if you want to believe you're still a kid. You and I both know you're not the same you were years ago. So never say never, dear. Because "never" will be your best friend in a while, you'll see:)

Day 227. Promises

  In life there are promises we make to others and promises we make to ourselves. How many times did you promise to be determined and cut the sweets for a while, eat more veggies and exercise? How many times did you really do it? 

   Being a Psychology student I learned to understand that change isn't that easy. That first you have to flirt with the idea, then think about putting it into practice in some months and then really getting to it. Well, today I promised to myself this time I WILL do it. I'll cut the sweets. At first I was brave and said "for a month" but we all know big changes aren't made all of a sudden, so I'm taking it slow: "for a week" should be a good start. My strategy? I hid all the bars I received for my birthday. Not seeing them helps a lot! 

   Let's get this straight. I'm not doing it because I think I'm fat. It's just that lately I've let myself indulge with too much chocolate and I feel I should take a better control of things. Since everybody's talking about how bad sweets really are for our health I'm doing it as an experiment, a game of strength, to see if I can make it. If everything goes well and I do see some changes I'm willing to extend the period. 

   I even monitored drinking 2l of water today. Weeks ago I thought that would be impossible but today I told myself AGAIN: "you can do more than you think you can". And I could indeed! 

   So day 1 went by pretty ok, even though I admit I had moments when I was reaaaally tempted to postpone the beginning of the process. Yet, when I set my mind to something, I do it... so I WILL keep this promise:) 

Therefore, see you in a week;) 

Day 218. Fight

 Sometimes we face situations that require strength and determination. The ones needed when there's a cause to fight for. 

   There are times when people will try to convince us do otherwise, but that's exactly when we should take our swords and fight. Fight for our right to be happy, to live a life on our own terms, for change and liberation from prejudice and unrealistic expectations. 

   I say we should all stand up for our rights and fight. Fight for whatever we trust in until we reach our goals and prove them all we CAN be happy because we know what we want and what we're fighting for. 

   When there's a cause, there's a way:)

Day 197. The beginning

   You'd say they look like angels, wouldn't you?:) Well they are. Until you give them a reason to laugh at other people. Of course, when they are in their first year of kindergarten they don't acknowledge much, but in their second year you'd expect they would have learned some rules by now. 

   It's sad to see that the little ones begin to bully their classmates at this age. And it's even sadder how quickly their listen to somebody if they tell them to bully a classmate. Then, how can we prevent this phenomenon from expanding in primary school if we can't work with them because their brain isn't fully developed yet? Does it really help if we repeat the rules every day? Do they really start believing them or do they just nod like "yeah, whatever you say lady, we know what we should do but laughing it's so much fun"?

   As always, I wish I could change the world. But what if the world can't be changed? What if it doesn't want to be changed? Hmmm? What then?:)

Day 171. Accepting change

   There are many times when we believe we know what we want. We set some goals and follow them blindly until we're very close to reaching them. But right then something happens and we change our mind. We realize we don't want that exact thing anymore, that we actually need something else that can make us just as happy or even happier. So we get the other thing and we smile satisfied. Thinking back to what we first wanted we notice we've been wrong all along... that sometimes we have to accept change even if at first we're really stubborn and think we know what's best for us. Embracing other people's opinions, even if it's about something major concerning your life, is a sign of wisdom. Not everybody can do it:)

   My brother accepted change today and he got an amazing couch. I accepted change and I realized that working in a kindergarten is way better than my ex high school. Sometimes you just gotta accept there's something else you need. It's hard at first, but if you go with the flow and trust people around you, the result is going to make you even happier. So don't be afraid to let them step in your life and give you advice. Don't be afraid to accept change:)