I need you to need me

Dear diary,

   Life's short. We all know it. Before dying, some people like to leave behind some wise sayings they developed after an eventful life. I'm not there yet, but I found something pretty important already. After deep conversations with some friends and watching a lot of Breaking Bad lately, I realized that what we all really need in life is not money or any kind of earthly possesions but to be needed, appreciated, loved and valued just the way we are, without future alterations. Nobody wants to be borrowed, rented or stolen and then given back, sold or left on a forgotten shelf somewhere. We're not objects. We're human beings. We have a soul and needs. And the most important one is that we all need to be needed. We lose our grounds when somebody makes us feel replaceable, insignificant, not enough. When we don't match the expectations. And that's what breaks us all. Not being enough. 

   It's so easy to fall down and remain there for the rest of our life. So easy to keep finding reasons to not believe in ourselves when we could be looking for reasons to stand up and go on. Our brain is too complicated to comprehend. I gave up trying after I found out evolution plays a huge part of it. 

   Even though, no matter what happens, we'll always try to be a part of something, of someone's life. We're social beings, so don't blame us, it's in our nature. But what should we do when we feel we're not enough? I think we should take our time, as much as we need, licking our wounds in that deep, dark pit and when we're ready, stand up and try to give this weird, complicated maze a meaning. Find something that keeps us alive and a ball of yarn to unfold and play with while we're discovering the meaning of it all. Learn from our past mistakes and never give up even if we feel like doing it. Never stop playing the game even if it feels too hard to solve. We're here to grow wise, not to die mediocre. 

   We can do so much more than we think we can. We're so powerful and yet, we don't know it. Because we're afraid to see our true self. If we just stepped out of the shades and into the sun letting it fill us with its warmth, we'd see life in a whole different light. So why lay in the shades for the rest of our life? Why be afraid when there's so much more to experience out there? And so many reasons to love ourselves in the first place. Because, just like the old saying goes, if you like yourself the others will like you too. And don't we all like to be liked? :)

Hopeful,

D.

Perfectly imperfect

Dear diary,

   Everything that happened around me lately helped me realize how imperfect we all are, how afraid we are to not meet expectations, worried about an uncertain grown up future, angry knowing we don't own everything we want, sad thinking everybody judges us. We're truly our own biggest enemies. We are the ones who stop ourselves from reaching daily happiness by allowing all the negative emotions make room in our mind. We're living in a constant fear, we love and grow dependent of the ones we love, forgetting that we have to love ourselves first in order to have a basic happy life. 

   Today I didn't wear any makeup while going to work and I still smiled. I inhaled the fresh air, watched the birds chirping, the sun rays reaching me through fresh green trees, colorful people walking to work and I smiled again saying "You know what? I'm beautiful just the way I am. And today I love myself." It was such an important start of a good day. I focused on watching happy people pass me by, I imagined their happy little lives and I told myself again the mantra of a wise friend I adopted last night: "I'm not happy all the day, but I'm happy every day." And so I shall. I will accept that I am perfect in my imperfection and I will allow myself to have good days and bad days, cooking experiments gone wild and tears now and then. Because it's all natural. But I will focus on the negative side less and less... and when the world seems too hard to bear, I'll call a friend and bear it together. Cos two is always better than one.

Sunny and proud,

D.

Day 291. To be or not to be afraid

   From time to time we want something really bad but we're afraid to go get it because something might intervene and the odds might not be in our favor. So we back off and wait for the proper time to make our move and finally get where we want. But when will that day come if we keep postponing it?:) 

   It was a moody day today but my family and I chose to defy it. We went for a picnic even if we knew there was a high chance it would rain. It was already noon and that's a late hour for a picnic, but we left knowing that we wanted to have a good time in nature and so we did. We found our spot and spent some relaxing hours without even a single drop of rain. I even found some amazing photographic material:) 

   So, I'm asking you now: Would my day had been better if we had chosen to fear the rain and stay at home? 

   Whenever you want something, the right time to go get it is NOW!:)

Day 168. Stand up

   Now and then we have to make some tough decisions that we'd rather avoid making, hoping that way the problems would solve themselves. But we all know they don't. Instead, they just pile up and make us feel worse and worse each time we face them. 

   After talking to various people who all told me I am right for thinking about making this decision, I am changing my family doctor. My last sickness that brought us together revealed to me that her behavior towards her patients is definitely not appropriate and that I have the right not to accept to be treated like that. My friends made me realize we're not living in a totalitarian system anymore and that I can stand up for my rights. Choose differently. Better. That's the problem with most of us. We choose to stay in bad relationships because we think we deserve them or maybe because we're afraid there's never gonna be something better out there.... that they're all the same. But NO! They aren't. People are made to be unique and that means you don't have to settle down for mediocre. So I found a better doctor already and I'm moving forward even if it's a bit uncomfortable. Changes can be that way. But I'm thinking about my future: Do I want to be afraid to go see the doctor whenever I feel sick? Do I want to be misunderstood and not know what sickness I have or how to treat it? No, I don't, so I stand up and move on. There's always better out there. Don't settle down for mediocre!