Day 247. The insight

   Today it was the second day of the workshop regarding family counseling for children with difficulties in school. It both trilled me and it made me sad. Really sad. Because I finally understood why I am a drama queen and why I worry about other people's opinions, why I always strive for perfection and why my brain is more negative than the others'. 

   You see, this teacher is really good at what she's doing and I felt like she opened up my eyes and made me see the world differently. She helped me understand how I can really help the kids at the kindergarten and at the end of day I know I'm happy I chose this workshop. 

   I realized I'd love to be a family counselor but in the same time I realized all my psychological issues are due to a lack of validation from my parents during adolescence. I was always the different sheep in the family: artistic, dreamy, childish. I often wanted something else and many times they couldn't understand me. So they tried to put me back on their track and make me be like them. But all they succeeded was making me feel like I can't be understood. Like I'm too different. So I always needed attention, appreciation and affection and if I didn't get it through my art I tried to get it through my marks. But they were never completely satisfied so I got stuck with the "drama queen syndrome" forever. 

   So here I am now, a weirdly molded piece of clay even if they tried to shape me into a beautiful bird. But I guess we all carry around our parents' mistakes and we'll all make our own mistakes when raising our kids. Even if we acknowledge it or not. 

   Therefore, pay attention! Remember the lesson and put into practice when the time is right. You can't change who you are now, but you can be aware of the way you interpret things and that you can change, so dare to try!:)

Day 166. Yin and yang

   Isn't life a continuous sequence of ups and downs, yins and yangs mingling everywhere around us? Today I had them both.

   My roller coaster took a steep descend in a hole where family doctors don't do their job properly. That usually happens everywhere in Romania. People are too tired of waiting and doctors are too impatient to go home. And this is how you never know your diagnosis or how to take your pills. 

   However, the upside part is that I've been told I look fine (let's hope my doctor's right) and that can mean just one thing: Everything is ending well. It was a rough war and my sickness won a few battles, but I seem to have won the war:) No more staying in bed, no more pain of any sorts, no more pills. 

   I can't wait to read this post in a couple of months and laugh about how much of a drama queen I've let myself be these days, but maybe all this happened because I needed to feel people close to me. And I did. I know there are people out there who really care about me so I'm moving on with a smile on my lips:) Let's lead the roller coaster upwards!:) It's time for some happiness!:D

Day 158. The white flag

   Complaining should be allowed! Like totally! Why do you want me to stop emotionally ventilate AND lie myself in the process, saying that everything IS ok when it isn't? Complaining about pain and the emotional breakdown I'm going through helps me. It gets off my chest all the sorrow that's been piling up in the last days. Why call it irrational and childish when it's just a coping mechanism? I just want to be healthy, so not being that way bugs me and I start talking about it. 

   Today I hit bottom again. I finally went to see the doctor. It was an emergency since I couldn't go on without antibiotics and she had the cure. In Romania anything can happen so, instead of being treated first, I was avoided and I felt like a piece of nothing while waiting. I wanted to leave sick as I was, being disgusted of it all but mom said I should stand up for my rights and demand to be looked at. And so I did. In the end it seems like the flu I thought I had isn't that severe (really?). 

    Like I always do, I went to buy the pills the doctor prescribed and then it hit me. The intense pain of a man who ran kilometers. I felt like I walked till Zimbabwe and back (literally). You don't wanna know what an excruciating pain that is. Somehow, meanwhile feeling the most helpless and lonely being in the world, I managed to reach my block of flats but... when I had to climb the many stairs till the 4th floor where I live... I couldn't. I then burst into tears, the bitter tears of the one who accepts being defeated. "I'm done being cocky and pretend to win every battle when I'm not." Mom came and helped me climb those stairs. It was a good drama movie moment. Looking back at it I wouldn't wanna live it again so I decided not to leave the house this week for anything in the world. I am going to rest a lot and recover... or die. One of the two. Man, I'm such a good drama queen.