Christmas Past, Present and Future

   Dear diary,

   It's Christmas day again. That time of the year when I'm filled with both sadness and joy: sadness cos I can't believe a whole year has passed already and joy because I can witness the most wonderful time of the year again:) The one I was looking forward to since January, the same one that allows me to be a kid no matter the age. 

   This year's been different for me, though. The Advent calendar changed the whole equation and brought more magic in my life. I never thought something so small and humble could do such a difference:) The planning and crafting and then the daily tasks... it definitely put me in the Christmas mood! I used to be sad, bored, or worried. The Advent calendar wiped away all of that and it replaced it with enthusiasm, anticipation and joy. I'm almost on the verge of crying because I realize today's the last day of this special gift called Advent. Such a terrific thing, involving so much dedication, passion and love, more than you thought you had, more than you thought you could give away. The Advent makes you a crafter, a loving, nurturing and thoughtful being. Everybody should experience it: giving and receiving love in the most innocent way possible:)

   The past Christmases have been beautiful, as long as I was a child. Then it all turned into a must and it somehow lost its feeling while growing up. This year I feel mature enough to know how to make the difference and how to keep the spirit alive: it all comes down to letting yourself enjoy the little things. Live Christmas exactly like kids do. And that's what the Advent brought along:) I'm sure the future Christmases will be just as beautiful as this one: with love, peace, joy, family, friends and a lot of creativity (Advent included). Because in the end that's what makes the difference. Letting yourself be a kid no matter the age while celebrating the birth of the most miraculous child on Earth:) 

   I know... it didn't snow this year. But I brought snow inside:) And now, happiness is all around. In my eyes and in the eyes of everyone who gazed at my Christmas tree. What more could I wish for?

Feeling the Christmas magic,

D.

My December

   Dear diary,

   My December's been crazy so far: Advent calendars to open, tasks to accomplish, work in the kindergarten, prepare for an exam and a long trip to Bucharest. I felt taken away in a fast carousel that I could barely keep up with. I had moments (still do) when I wished I could have paused time so that I could have enjoyed every day left till Christmas because each year I get the feeling that time passes too fast in December. 

    So I went to Bucharest:) It's been a trip that came at the perfect moment cos I've never seen it in December. Never seen its lights, its fairs, its gifts and treasures. And you know how much I love Christmas and traveling.

   At first I had to solve the exam thingie. So I took my friend and tried to find an address in a huge city I didn't know. What did I do? I asked around. Cos Google maps drops my phone battery like crazy. The exam experience was way better than I anticipated. Those people really liked what I was telling them. They were smiling and enjoying it and we had such a pleasant conversation. You know how oral exams are. You go out and people ask you: "How was it?" and then you say "Okay, I guess." I told them "It was GREAT!" while grinning. How many people do that?

   Then, after checking the Must Do thing in the big city, there came visiting my dear friends and a planned journey to see the Christmas lights. But somewhere among all those I got time to observe and think. Bucharest seems to have a completely different culture than Cluj. They have a funny accent, they react and behave differently, they are... a different species. And as much as I loved riding the subway it was sooo weird to get confused every time I had to change it. No worries, Bucharest people looked just as confused. How weird is that? So I decided. I wouldn't move to the capital even if I got a big, fat salary. I love my dear city. It's easy, comfy and it has everything I need in it. Including family, friends, boyfriend, dream job and everything else. 

   On the other hand, Bucharest had awesome things as well: wonderful friends, amazing Christmas lights, yummy fairs and a lot of experiences waiting to be lived. I bought the cheapest books, the cutest decorations and I received the best Advent calendar! Not to mention the happy tears of listening to a friend playing the piano on notes of Debussy or singing Adele. 

   It was a perfect experience: the sound of the train, scary people, cute people, warm people, helpful people, crowds everywhere, lights, lights, lights, mulled wine, comfy dizziness, Advent, happy tears, life stories on the train. It was my December or at least the first half of it:) 

In or out

   No, this won't be another post about the Advent Calendar. Everything is working just fine with it, everybody's happy and we all feel Christmas more close to our hearts than ever. Today I want to talk about discovering both the bliss of feeling detached and the utter discomfort of feeling too involved in a situation. 

   Life often takes us by surprise and we have no idea where that is gonna go but what's important is knowing that we weren't born ready. We learned it on the way. And if we don't know how to detach ourselves from the problem, we need to keep going until we do. It's not going to be a revelation and many times it feels like it's impossible, but with the help of rational friends, movies and books it can be done. 

   These days I saw a lot of worried people around me, people who got so involved in a little thing that it began to grow and grow that in the end it affected everybody around them. I was detached. And it felt good. But then, even though I was proud of feeling detached in that situation, I got so involved in a little, unimportant thing... until I realized it happened and it made me think. We often believe we can control everything. Thing is... we don't! Not everything. So we should just let it be and not judge it when it happens. Go with the flow and see where it leads us. Learn to detach ourselves from unimportant things and only involve in the big ones. And even then, learn where we can help and step back when we can't.

   This isn't the "ignorance is bliss" thingie, it's about knowing when to step in and out. Knowing there's a bigger picture we have to see and train ourselves to see that instead of focusing on one tiny detail on the map.
   So, are you in or out?

My little Advent game

   4 weeks, 27 days, 7 Advent calendars, 175 individual things. It was all a blast, sometimes a pain in the ass, but nevertheless, the awesomest crafting project I took in.

   Like I previously said, I saw chocolate Advent calendars in shops but never really understood the rules and its purpose. This year I researched it and plunged into not one, but 7 handmade Advent calendars. I made a list of the people I thought would want to take part into this beautiful idea, this little game that makes us feel Christmas for 24 days, before it's even here. Luckily they all accepted to craft and share an Advent calendar. 

   And so the Advent adventure began... this game that brings happiness on people's face, the game that makes you feel loved, appreciated, taken into consideration. The game that makes you feel like a kid again. One that can't wait for tomorrow's task or treat, one that knows how to enjoy the Advent calendar at its best. 

   Stage one after deciding I want to do this was RESEARCH all the possible ideas of crafting such calendars. I found amazing printables that people were so kind to share for free. I found wonderful ideas of tasks that are meant to make you sweep in the Christmas mood all month long:)

   Stage two was ENTHUSIASM. I was sooo thrilled about finding a different Advent calendar idea for each of my recipients and about coming up with special tasks that I knew would make people happy. I could already see their happy face when they would each receive their special Advent calendar carefully made with such love and passion:) I was in the 9th cloud all along the first 2 weeks. Work... craft... work... craft! And I loved it all!

   Stage three was FRUSTRATION. And all this because I had some difficulties in crafting one of the ideas... for my boyfriend! It wouldn't turn out the way I wanted it to be and I would be so frustrated each time I had to work on it. But thank God, it all ended and it was all okay.

   Stage four was FATIGUE. After two weeks and 4 calendars down (including a frustrating one) I began to feel knocked down. I needed to finish all the 7 calendars and 7 handmade Christmas cards by December 1st so my nights became white and my days became sleepy. I had days when I went to sleep at 9 PM and days when I wasn't in the mood for crafting. Even so, every time I looked at the final products a big grin could be seen on my face:)

   Stage five and the last one was PRIDE. Why? Because I did it. It's December 1st and all my calendars are done, the Christmas cards included:) I already gave away 4 of them, 3 more to go:) Can't wait to see my friends smile and can't wait to hear their joyful feedback on each day of the Calendar. 

   All in all, the Advent calendar is such an amazing opportunity for all those Christmas lovers out there! It's the wonderful gesture of thinking about others and involving all your attention in a little, tiny game of love:)

   

It's December already and I can't believe it. Let the Advent adventure truly begin! Let's do tasks and enjoy treats! Let's feel Christmas all around us! <3

P.S. Here are the final results for my 7 Advent calendars (and how my desk looked like for the whole month):

The twisted labyrinth

   Dear diary,

   My life is a twisted labyrinth. I'll never understand myself completely and it's been a while since we're hanging together. You'd say ups and downs are natural but I don't know if at this rate. 

   After getting on Worry Lane I turned left and fell in a dark pit. It feels lonely down here. I recognize this weird place and I remember managing to get out of it. I just don't feel strong enough to get out just yet. It's that place where you fall every time you remember you're a healer and you give yourself completely to others every day but you receive just a little back. You feel emotionally drained. Unloved. And burdens coming all over you. Then you wake up and feel like you're all alone. So you try to shut it off and stop giving so much but you can't. You just can't be something else than what you were born to be. So you go on being your true self. Because that's what you know best. You close your eyes, shed a tear or two and keep on giving knowing that one day the sun will shine again. 

   Dear diary, I'm looking forward to seeing the sun. Maybe this way I'll climb on a ray and get out of this pit. Who knows what's gonna be next? Hopefully a cheerful street.

All by myself,

D.

The monsters within

   Dear diary,

   These past days I've been too tired to think... stressed with the registration for a big exam next summer, preparing to go to Bucharest for a degree and hand making 7 advent calendars (I finally realized people around me were right. They're too many!). Aaaaand on top of all this, counseling kids, parents and teachers every day and doing all the other things my job involves. You'd say it's easy peasy, right? Cos I love my job, but somehow, I donno how, every time I get home I'm sooo tired and worn out that I'm not even in the mood for the calendars. And there's just one week left (ouch!). No worries. I'll make it work and I'll learn. Settle for less next year:) 

   Thing is I've been observing myself this past week and I realized what I learned in school was true: our brain is truly prone to negativity... especially MINE. I had so many things going on lately and my brain chose to see only the bad parts. It was like it was trying to make a puzzle only from the things that "could go wrong", "did go wrong" or "might have gone wrong". And all this because I'm a perfectionist and I can't settle for less than 100%. So it seems that other percentages scare me. They make me think of scenarios that most probably aren't true. They make me doubt myself. 

   I'm a psychologist and I'm not perfect. I have problems, fears, things about me that I wish I could change but I can't. And that scares me the most. I'm not perfect. I'll never be. Some parents will judge me no matter how much I try to help them, kids will never be angels, there will be times when I won't be able to control everything and I'll have to depend on people, money will be scarce and in the middle of all this I need somebody to remind me life goes on and ignorance is bliss. 

   I really wish I could turn off my "caring button" from time to time. But I know that what parents instilled in us during childhood remains with us our whole life. It will be a constant battle, sometimes I'll win, other times I'll lose. I just have to remember to lift my head and go on. Even if I'm bone-tired. 

   Christmas is just around the corner. It's time to get a good night sleep and start fresh tomorrow. The awesomest month is approaching!

ZzzzZzzzz,

D.

When I'm gone

   Dear diary,

   I had so much to chew upon these last days, but the most striking thing that still follows me like a shadow is this girl's death. She was a 26 year old blogger, a writer to a fashion magazine, a woman, a girl, a beautiful being. And it's sad to use the past when talking about her. Even if I never knew her in person and I barely discovered her blog right the night before she passed away, I put myself in her shoes from the first line I read on her blog. I identified myself with her because of how and what she used to write. And I agree with her: "I am sure life is a big fat lesson". So now I ask myself: "What if it were me instead of her?" "What if today I'm crafting my Advent calendars and tomorrow something happens and ... Boom. I'm just not here anymore." 

   You know, people keep telling us life is short, but we live like we're immortal. After this blogger's episode I feel like waking up from a long dream and realizing life IS short. Freakin' short. And if you think about it, so many people don't fully live their age. We listen to society pushing us here and there, being this way or that way, doing this or that, but who are we really? 

   Here I am, folding paper and enjoying it. I love crafting. And I love the fact that I discovered it now, while I'm 25, not married and without kids. I am well aware that when the time will be right, I won't have the free time I have now. So why does society keep pressing us to move on with the tide when we want to wait for the right tide? 

   I want to enjoy every age and dream out loud. And when I die I want to die smiling. Knowing that I did everything I could to enjoy life at its best, love people, heal people and the world around me. Life is short. Even if we get to reach 70.
  Let's fully enjoy our age and later on be happy at the memory of every step taken. Let's be thankful for every little thing we have in our life. Better yet, let's be thankful for what we don't have as well. Because everything happens for a reason and "life is a big fat lesson"...

D.