When I'm gone

   Dear diary,

   I had so much to chew upon these last days, but the most striking thing that still follows me like a shadow is this girl's death. She was a 26 year old blogger, a writer to a fashion magazine, a woman, a girl, a beautiful being. And it's sad to use the past when talking about her. Even if I never knew her in person and I barely discovered her blog right the night before she passed away, I put myself in her shoes from the first line I read on her blog. I identified myself with her because of how and what she used to write. And I agree with her: "I am sure life is a big fat lesson". So now I ask myself: "What if it were me instead of her?" "What if today I'm crafting my Advent calendars and tomorrow something happens and ... Boom. I'm just not here anymore." 

   You know, people keep telling us life is short, but we live like we're immortal. After this blogger's episode I feel like waking up from a long dream and realizing life IS short. Freakin' short. And if you think about it, so many people don't fully live their age. We listen to society pushing us here and there, being this way or that way, doing this or that, but who are we really? 

   Here I am, folding paper and enjoying it. I love crafting. And I love the fact that I discovered it now, while I'm 25, not married and without kids. I am well aware that when the time will be right, I won't have the free time I have now. So why does society keep pressing us to move on with the tide when we want to wait for the right tide? 

   I want to enjoy every age and dream out loud. And when I die I want to die smiling. Knowing that I did everything I could to enjoy life at its best, love people, heal people and the world around me. Life is short. Even if we get to reach 70.
  Let's fully enjoy our age and later on be happy at the memory of every step taken. Let's be thankful for every little thing we have in our life. Better yet, let's be thankful for what we don't have as well. Because everything happens for a reason and "life is a big fat lesson"...

D.

Day 356. The lovely bones

   I just saw a powerful movie. The lovely bones. It messed me up completely. Now anything I see on Facebook seems so mundane, random and useless. Because it was about a 14 year old girl who was murdered and kept in between the worlds the whole movie. I know, it sounds rather cliche but it was so painful to watch the reaction of her family. A beautiful, perfect family who didn't deserve this. How do you get over something like this? How can you continue to live your life and cope with such an intense pain? And how can a serial killer not get caught after more than 7 similar acts?

   The ending messed me up more than anything: "I was here and now I'm not. Have a long and happy life". I connected to that more than anything because I once had a dream where I was murdered myself. And in the dream, after I realized what had just happened, my voice narrated: "This was my life: short and unfulfilled." Yep. I was here and now I'm not. I had my whole life ahead of me and now I don't anymore. That freaks me out. Death freaks me out. 

   My high school psychology teacher used to say that we'd be nuts not to be afraid of dying. So I guess it's all natural. I don't wanna go though. I wanna get old and bored of living before going. I don't wanna see dear people die. I couldn't bear it. Death is such a frightening concept. And we keep living life avoiding it as much as we can with the illusion of immortality imprinted in us. Because how else could we step over the lovely bones of all the painful experiences we've been through? We close our eyes and step in the unknown. And hope for the best.