The twisted labyrinth

   Dear diary,

   My life is a twisted labyrinth. I'll never understand myself completely and it's been a while since we're hanging together. You'd say ups and downs are natural but I don't know if at this rate. 

   After getting on Worry Lane I turned left and fell in a dark pit. It feels lonely down here. I recognize this weird place and I remember managing to get out of it. I just don't feel strong enough to get out just yet. It's that place where you fall every time you remember you're a healer and you give yourself completely to others every day but you receive just a little back. You feel emotionally drained. Unloved. And burdens coming all over you. Then you wake up and feel like you're all alone. So you try to shut it off and stop giving so much but you can't. You just can't be something else than what you were born to be. So you go on being your true self. Because that's what you know best. You close your eyes, shed a tear or two and keep on giving knowing that one day the sun will shine again. 

   Dear diary, I'm looking forward to seeing the sun. Maybe this way I'll climb on a ray and get out of this pit. Who knows what's gonna be next? Hopefully a cheerful street.

All by myself,

D.

Day 325. Do your best

   ...in everything you do. Sometimes you know you won't be able to do it perfectly, but still, try your best. In the end trying counts. 

   Do your best in friendships. Involve, share feelings. If they act like they don't care, they're not the right persons. Move on.

   Do your best in being a good model for others. We are all broken and have issues to be solved, but maybe you can teach others stuff you've been through. Remember to check if they want to be taught first!

   Do your best in being a confident and just listening from time to time. Don't judge if they complain or talk too much about the same thing. Everything one says is a function of that they feel. Complaining or talking too much about it might mean they have an unsolved problem. Maybe you can help. Check if they wanna be helped or just listened to. 

   Do your best in being a good person. You will make mistakes anyhow, but knowing you chose to be good instead of being bad is awesome.

   Do your best in leaving this place better than you found it, be it at your job or just the world around you.

   Do your best to hang on in there. Sometimes you will feel lonely, unloved or unneeded but that's when you have to remember it would be a brilliant idea to become friends with yourself. And love spending time by yourself instead of depending on people to make you happy.

   Do your best. Try. You will fail sometimes, but keep trying. Don't give up. Never give up.

Day 158. The white flag

   Complaining should be allowed! Like totally! Why do you want me to stop emotionally ventilate AND lie myself in the process, saying that everything IS ok when it isn't? Complaining about pain and the emotional breakdown I'm going through helps me. It gets off my chest all the sorrow that's been piling up in the last days. Why call it irrational and childish when it's just a coping mechanism? I just want to be healthy, so not being that way bugs me and I start talking about it. 

   Today I hit bottom again. I finally went to see the doctor. It was an emergency since I couldn't go on without antibiotics and she had the cure. In Romania anything can happen so, instead of being treated first, I was avoided and I felt like a piece of nothing while waiting. I wanted to leave sick as I was, being disgusted of it all but mom said I should stand up for my rights and demand to be looked at. And so I did. In the end it seems like the flu I thought I had isn't that severe (really?). 

    Like I always do, I went to buy the pills the doctor prescribed and then it hit me. The intense pain of a man who ran kilometers. I felt like I walked till Zimbabwe and back (literally). You don't wanna know what an excruciating pain that is. Somehow, meanwhile feeling the most helpless and lonely being in the world, I managed to reach my block of flats but... when I had to climb the many stairs till the 4th floor where I live... I couldn't. I then burst into tears, the bitter tears of the one who accepts being defeated. "I'm done being cocky and pretend to win every battle when I'm not." Mom came and helped me climb those stairs. It was a good drama movie moment. Looking back at it I wouldn't wanna live it again so I decided not to leave the house this week for anything in the world. I am going to rest a lot and recover... or die. One of the two. Man, I'm such a good drama queen.