Hang in there!

Dear diary,

   I probably told you this before, but now and then I keep having a deep sense of helplessness when I'm at work. I realized that my first year in the kindergarten was very different to this one (the third). Back then I was full of desire, hope and will to change the world/the kindergarten into a better place and help all the needy kids. Now I know I can actually change only 1% of what I wanted back then and that makes me feel really useless sometimes. 

   It's hard to see yourself willing to help but facing the resistance of the parents who don't want to cooperate or are absolutely convinced that their kids are perfectly fine. Just as tough is to see how many kids have permissive parents who let them have everything they want without any rule or boundary. So then, when they come to the kindergarten we face really difficult kids who don't want to obey you at all and who always do the opposite of what they're told. I know, you might say we don't know how to act properly, but believe me, we've tried EVERYTHING and sometimes, in days like this you just collapse. 

   And little by little, I started resembling some of my fellow coworkers' way of thinking. They left the educational system in favor of opening their own private practice because they realized that working in a kindergarten or school doesn't bring you the satisfaction you wished for at first. I don't seriously consider leaving the system yet, but it's funny how in the first year I wouldn't understand them, and now I feel exactly the same. It's very, very tough to be a psychologist that isn't listened to and even harder to be a teacher. It takes all the patience you have and a great deal of work done with yourself in lowering your expectations regarding the kids and their families. 

    But then again, there are days like TODAY, when everything went smoothly. I had great activities with the kids, they were all very involved, willing to cooperate and full of love and for a second there I thought that I might not be changing the whole world, but 1% is a good start.

   So, there you have it. My huge smile today from morning to evening, everywhere I went. I really had a great day and I needed to remind myself that I should hang in there because life has its ups and downs and we all have good days and bad days and I should just keep doing what I love without expecting so much from myself or... the world :)

   By the way, Oliver and I are moving in together this weekend and I've been packing my stuff for a month now. I never believed I own SO MANY THINGS and SO MANY BOOKS. It's all very exciting and I can't wait to tell you all about the move and what comes after :)

Still smiling,

D.

Moving (on)

Dear diary,

  For 2 years and a half this small, now empty room at the 1st floor of the kindergarten was my office. My first office ever. Now I'm saying goodbye. I'm moving to the other building of the same kindergarten... To a new small room. I guess it's one of the many changes to come this year. 

   I know this change might be insignificant for others but for me it's kind of big because I always tend to get attached to places and people. Maybe that's why this time I surprised myself because I'm not melancholic. I think it's because I have a lot of other reasons to be happy still, even though once changes used to scare me. 

   Bottom line: Everything happens for a reason and it certainly feels good to take on changes without regrets.

Carefree,

D.

Looking back to 2014

Dear diary,

   2014 was one of the most beautiful years of my life, definitely the peak of my journey until now.
   At the beginning of it, I said:

   "I don't know about others, but I always tried to be the best person in the world and I often failed. And then guess what happened. I felt guilty. And responsible. Well this year, I'm done with being extra cautious. This year I'm learning from my past mistakes but I'm also thinking about me instead of putting the others first every single time. I'm going to buy what I feel like buying, spend time how I feel like and do whatever feels right. Out with the guilt, in with the inner peace."

   Unlike other years, in 2014 I did what I planned, but like any other year, it had its ups and downs. It was difficult precisely because a change doesn't come all of a sudden, and when you're used to always think about others thinking about YOURSELF feels selfish. I took an extreme decision, a life changing one that I never thought I would have to take. It was difficult, but I knew I had to do it. And after I did it I knew I had to go straight ahead and never look back. Of course that's kind of impossible. And here's where the guilt came in. I looked back and I felt bad for leaving broken stuff behind, but somehow I understood that this was MY journey and I kept going and going and going. And this is how I found Wonderland. The land of lifelong dreams coming true, the land of thousands of new experiences, of not only "beginning to bloom" but being in full bloom. 

   2014 was definitely the year when I knew for sure I became a woman. 

   One that knows what she wants and fights for it without regrets. One that not only thinks about others, but who considers her long term happiness too. One that keeps her inner child nourished and who protects it against anybody who thinks you're immature if you're childlike. This past year I surprised myself and the others. I went the extra mile. But I kept being the happy-go-lucky kind of girl everybody knows. 

   I was blessed to meet the love of my life. The one who completes me perfectly. The male improved version of me. He's my role model, my best friend, my rock, my reason to smile and dream and love, my fairy tale, my everything. It seems improbable that a love story like ours would happen. But I know for sure, we both know, that we're made for each other.

... and that's why we got engaged. When you find the One, you just feel it. So you don't need a lot of time to discover each other. You just know :)

   With my fiancé came a whole new world that I discovered step by step in 2014. The world of cooking as a passion, of opening a restaurant, of meeting a lot of wonderful people and trying out a multitude of new dishes (like I always wanted). Everything was so new to me and yet, so exciting.

   I was a camp teacher for the first time in my life during summer camp and I absolutely LOVED it!!! Will do it again this year. It was such an intense and emotional experience for me. I'll never ever forget it :)

    I had my first big exam teachers have and I passed it. Yay!

   I traveled around the country and to France and Switzerland for the first time. It was enriching, empowering, breathtaking. I also flew for the first time.

   I read more than I planned to. And I love that. I want to keep discovering amazing authors, to fall in love with new books.

   I overcame my fear related to Quilling and I started it as a new hobby. I now love to quill a birthday card or a special event card for my friends and family.

   I made 9 Advent calendars. More than last year. It was hard, but I loved every step.

   I went caroling with my family again after a lot of years.

   ... and I had the Christmas tree of my dreams. Again.

I spent New Year's Eve in a wonderful rush at Off the Wall. 

2014... I LOVED IT ALL!

In 2015 I want to be right here, right now and enjoy the journey that goes on.

With love and excitement,

D.

My merry little Christmas

Dear diary,

   This year's Christmas was wonderful. I was always surrounded by family, friends and loved ones, we went caroling, we walked and picked mistletoe, we shared delicious food and we caught up, we played games, we watched movies, I saw people I haven't seen in a long time, I did things I used to do when I was a little girl. It felt really good to go back to the basics and to feel so much love around me. I didn't do all this because I HAD TO, I didn't eat too much, I didn't do stuff everybody does, I did things that would bring me happiness and that would make the ones around me happy as well. 

   I'm still in the Christmas mood, there are still friends to visit, stories to share and laughter and games and another week of holiday. And then, we're slowly entering the new wonderful year of 2015, the year when I move out, when I will meet my future in laws, when I'll travel to Canada (and hopefully to the Czech Republic) and so much more. There's a wedding to plan and a whole beautiful adventure in between. 

   I'm really looking forward to the new year! But until then, I'm still enjoying the holiday.

Relaxed,

D.

P.S. I'll write the 2014 review when the time is right ;)

P.P.S. This year's Christmas tree accomplished every dream I've ever had *very very happy and proud*

Think happy thoughts

Dear diary,

   I'm a perfectionist. So I worry a lot. Sometimes I think that maybe things won't go as planned and I envision a posible bad outcome believing that this way I would be prepared for whatever comes. "Always be prepared for the bad things", my dad said. But in all my worry and irrational thinking I forget how important and life changing happy thoughts are. How just by envisioning a positive outcome, I already bring it closer. 

   I won't lie, it's difficult to try to think positive no matter what especially when you've been brought up a certain way. But I know kids do it all the time. If they can wake up every morning with a smile on their face forgetting about yesterday, why can't we? What I love about kids the most is how, because of their still developing brain, they can't think too far ahead. And boy, does that help. They focus on here and now and that's all they know. They do learn from their mistakes, but they can't plan for the long term future. So unless they really miss their mommy or some friend doesn't want to play with them, they don't worry. How amazing that is! 

   Because of the society we live in and because of all the accumulated negative emotional baggage we always seem to carry with us we step forward with fear and we lose touch with the inner child and the positive thoughts we can have. But the good thing is that we can teach our brain to focus on different things than it's used to. We, unlike kids, can solve problems so much easier and sometimes just by re-directing our thoughts. Isn't that amazing?

   So today I'm thinking happy thoughts even if the weather outside is kind of sad. I know I can bring the sun on the cloudy sky by drawing it in my mind. Because people are THAT powerful :)

Happy,

D.

The Christmas miracle

Dear diary,

    I know. I've been absent waaay too long and I left you all alone without updating you about the most wonderful thing that happened to me lately: I got ENGAGED! That's HUGE! And for a girl, it's a dream come true. To find that perfect soulmate that makes you shiver while thinking that maybe this is all just a really beautiful dream. That person that makes you feel at home when you're with him, that accepts you exactly how you are, who tells you you're his dream girl and wouldn't change anything about you. That person that makes you feel the most loved being on Earth, the same one that you KNOW will always be there for you no matter what and whose purpose is to make you happy. The one you love more than you love yourself, the one that makes you want to be better, that challenges you and helps you grow.

   My happiness the last month, especially since I've been proposed to abroad, in the most wonderful scenery ever, is beyond words. I always wanted to travel, all around the world and meet all sorts of cultures, weird and joyful and colorful and happy, to meet people who would teach me how to appreciate life and live it like there's no tomorrow. But somehow I made peace with myself thinking that there would be a really dim chance that I get to do that (because in my head traveling was waaay too expensive). I was ok with it. I knew I could surf the internet and "travel" to wherever I wanted. At least that. But this month, everything just turned into reality. It's like one of those Disney princess movies where the prince comes and saves the day. Well, my prince did not only save the day, but my whole existence. He brought so many new things in my life and with those he made it complete. I was shown that if you REALLY want something, the Universe will give you EXACTLY what you want and even MORE. That's why sometimes it still feels surreal. But I better believe it, because it's true. And I deserve it. 

   But I've been talking about something else completely. One of the reasons why I didn't write to you is that November was yet again a really busy month because of... ADVENT calendars making! This year I made not 7 (like last year) but 9! 9 x 24 = 216 individual days, 6 types of different Advent calendars and less than a month to prepare them and get them all ready. It's been a continuous headache at some points, but yet again, a really wonderful outcome! 

I already exchanged 2 of them with some of my girls and they absolutely loved them! Can't wait to see what the others think! 

   Now... about the Christmas miracle. My mom and dad always thought that the fact that I was making Advent calendars was childish and way too artist-y for them. I felt judged but I didn't mind them. I just knew what I loved to do. Little did I know that today I would come home to a brand new Advent calendar bought for me by them. One that they actually planned for. They made tasks and put sweets in and actually sat together and thought about it. I can't express how happy this makes me feel. It's the best Christmas gift that they could ever give me. By doing this they express that even if our needs and interests are different, they believe in me and they want me to be happy and they want to do anything they can to MAKE ME HAPPY. I'm teary right now. I just am so thankful for everything I have in my life right now. And it's Thanksgiving in the US today so it's appropriate. I want to take this opportunity to THANK THE UNIVERSE AND GOD for giving me everything that I ever wanted. For believing in me, for nurturing me, for returning all the love that I have given. 

   In the end... what you give, you shall receive :)

Forever thankful,

D.

Changing the world

Dear diary,

   Everyone has an ultimate purpose in their life: maybe being happy, having a beautiful family of their own, being rich and popular, creating something truly beautiful or maybe changing the world, like I do. We all want something big while we're here. The top of our list. The thing we work for, strive for, dream about. I want to heal the world, as cheesy as it might sound. I want to help people, make their lives better, change their way of thinking, make them happy. Not just for now, but on the long term. I want to see people who love each other and who live a long, happy life. I know it might sound like a utopia in today's society, but when you're working as a psychologist, you can see that happening in bits and pieces of what you're trying to do. The problem is that working in a kindergarten has its perks but also its disadvantages. You can't see the kid on the long term. He graduates and he goes away. You don't know how much you actually helped. If you helped. Working with small kids is a neverending challenge. Today, they may be quiet, obeying and pay attention to what you want to teach them and know they actually learned something but tomorrow you might feel like an alien on a different planet and no matter how you try to make yourself understood, you can't do it. They just don't seem to want to listen. Because what they truly want is to PLAY. And it's all natural. Because they're KIDS.

   I've had a feeling of helplessness lately. The feeling that makes you question your very existence. "Am I actually making a change here? Do I actually HELP or do I keep trying in vain and nothing changes? What should I do next? How should I take this failure?" But then I realized you can't change the whole world in a single day. God took 6 days to build it. He didn't rush. He simply took His time. So why should I? Why do I tend to fall into the parents' expectations of being a doctor who serves a pill that makes their kids perfectly adapted and well behaved? I can't do that no matter how hard I try and if I keep wishing for sudden, huge changes I will never see that. As a wise friend said recently, I might not change the world in the kindergarten but at least I put the kids in the right direction. And that helps too, right? The fact that they ALL want to jump on me, hugging me EVERY SINGLE TIME I go to visit them, the fact that they say "I love you, Dana" and "I'm so happy to see you" already gives me a feedback of a job well done. No matter how the kids actually perceive the help I wanted to give them. At least they show appreciation. Which means I'm not that far from what I actually wanted. I am making the tiniest differences in their small worlds, and I should be satisfied with THAT. I should accept that small changes are still changing the world. That doing the best I can with what I have NOW is good too. So, for a while now, I choose to give up on my performance anxiety and just keep doing what I do and be happy to see all my kids HAPPY. In the end, that's my ultimate purpose, right? 

Mental self note: See the bigger picture! Don't get lost in the small details!

Hopeful,

D.