The Christmas miracle

Dear diary,

    I know. I've been absent waaay too long and I left you all alone without updating you about the most wonderful thing that happened to me lately: I got ENGAGED! That's HUGE! And for a girl, it's a dream come true. To find that perfect soulmate that makes you shiver while thinking that maybe this is all just a really beautiful dream. That person that makes you feel at home when you're with him, that accepts you exactly how you are, who tells you you're his dream girl and wouldn't change anything about you. That person that makes you feel the most loved being on Earth, the same one that you KNOW will always be there for you no matter what and whose purpose is to make you happy. The one you love more than you love yourself, the one that makes you want to be better, that challenges you and helps you grow.

   My happiness the last month, especially since I've been proposed to abroad, in the most wonderful scenery ever, is beyond words. I always wanted to travel, all around the world and meet all sorts of cultures, weird and joyful and colorful and happy, to meet people who would teach me how to appreciate life and live it like there's no tomorrow. But somehow I made peace with myself thinking that there would be a really dim chance that I get to do that (because in my head traveling was waaay too expensive). I was ok with it. I knew I could surf the internet and "travel" to wherever I wanted. At least that. But this month, everything just turned into reality. It's like one of those Disney princess movies where the prince comes and saves the day. Well, my prince did not only save the day, but my whole existence. He brought so many new things in my life and with those he made it complete. I was shown that if you REALLY want something, the Universe will give you EXACTLY what you want and even MORE. That's why sometimes it still feels surreal. But I better believe it, because it's true. And I deserve it. 

   But I've been talking about something else completely. One of the reasons why I didn't write to you is that November was yet again a really busy month because of... ADVENT calendars making! This year I made not 7 (like last year) but 9! 9 x 24 = 216 individual days, 6 types of different Advent calendars and less than a month to prepare them and get them all ready. It's been a continuous headache at some points, but yet again, a really wonderful outcome! 

I already exchanged 2 of them with some of my girls and they absolutely loved them! Can't wait to see what the others think! 

   Now... about the Christmas miracle. My mom and dad always thought that the fact that I was making Advent calendars was childish and way too artist-y for them. I felt judged but I didn't mind them. I just knew what I loved to do. Little did I know that today I would come home to a brand new Advent calendar bought for me by them. One that they actually planned for. They made tasks and put sweets in and actually sat together and thought about it. I can't express how happy this makes me feel. It's the best Christmas gift that they could ever give me. By doing this they express that even if our needs and interests are different, they believe in me and they want me to be happy and they want to do anything they can to MAKE ME HAPPY. I'm teary right now. I just am so thankful for everything I have in my life right now. And it's Thanksgiving in the US today so it's appropriate. I want to take this opportunity to THANK THE UNIVERSE AND GOD for giving me everything that I ever wanted. For believing in me, for nurturing me, for returning all the love that I have given. 

   In the end... what you give, you shall receive :)

Forever thankful,

D.

Changing the world

Dear diary,

   Everyone has an ultimate purpose in their life: maybe being happy, having a beautiful family of their own, being rich and popular, creating something truly beautiful or maybe changing the world, like I do. We all want something big while we're here. The top of our list. The thing we work for, strive for, dream about. I want to heal the world, as cheesy as it might sound. I want to help people, make their lives better, change their way of thinking, make them happy. Not just for now, but on the long term. I want to see people who love each other and who live a long, happy life. I know it might sound like a utopia in today's society, but when you're working as a psychologist, you can see that happening in bits and pieces of what you're trying to do. The problem is that working in a kindergarten has its perks but also its disadvantages. You can't see the kid on the long term. He graduates and he goes away. You don't know how much you actually helped. If you helped. Working with small kids is a neverending challenge. Today, they may be quiet, obeying and pay attention to what you want to teach them and know they actually learned something but tomorrow you might feel like an alien on a different planet and no matter how you try to make yourself understood, you can't do it. They just don't seem to want to listen. Because what they truly want is to PLAY. And it's all natural. Because they're KIDS.

   I've had a feeling of helplessness lately. The feeling that makes you question your very existence. "Am I actually making a change here? Do I actually HELP or do I keep trying in vain and nothing changes? What should I do next? How should I take this failure?" But then I realized you can't change the whole world in a single day. God took 6 days to build it. He didn't rush. He simply took His time. So why should I? Why do I tend to fall into the parents' expectations of being a doctor who serves a pill that makes their kids perfectly adapted and well behaved? I can't do that no matter how hard I try and if I keep wishing for sudden, huge changes I will never see that. As a wise friend said recently, I might not change the world in the kindergarten but at least I put the kids in the right direction. And that helps too, right? The fact that they ALL want to jump on me, hugging me EVERY SINGLE TIME I go to visit them, the fact that they say "I love you, Dana" and "I'm so happy to see you" already gives me a feedback of a job well done. No matter how the kids actually perceive the help I wanted to give them. At least they show appreciation. Which means I'm not that far from what I actually wanted. I am making the tiniest differences in their small worlds, and I should be satisfied with THAT. I should accept that small changes are still changing the world. That doing the best I can with what I have NOW is good too. So, for a while now, I choose to give up on my performance anxiety and just keep doing what I do and be happy to see all my kids HAPPY. In the end, that's my ultimate purpose, right? 

Mental self note: See the bigger picture! Don't get lost in the small details!

Hopeful,

D.

Pride and prejudice

Dear diary,

   Every day I discover genuine acts of kindness around me, so little and yet so inspiring. And the most amazing thing is that they all come from the most unexpected people ever, the subjects of criticisms and prejudice.
   I want to be above that. I want to stop generalizing that a certain type of people are bad or not trustworthy, I want to stop feeling Fear, Guilt or Anger. I want to be a better person and not just say it, but act upon it and leave out all the negative thinking involving other people. Because, in the end, the rules from kindergarten apply to the rules of the society we live in: we all need to accept each other just the way we are (unless we're harming each other) and stop thinking we should change because we're grown ups and we're all the product of our upbringing... The written sequels of our parents' tales. Ones that can't be unwritten. So why keep trying to find the perfect rubber when we could just watch the tales in a different light and take the good things out of them?
   I'm still fixated on our brain being prone to negativity. I want to keep fighting to stay positive and take the beautiful energy out of this huge library of tales. Transform the "Pride and Prejudice" into "Love and Understanding" so that I could be happy every single day. It's so easy to be happy. And it's so easy to be good, kind and loving, too :)

Smiling wide,

D.

Lessons from a flower

Dear diary,

   A new school year began yesterday and on this very first day all teachers receive flowers. I received some too and they made me feel appreciated. But what I loved the most was that my daily quote matched the occasion: "A flower in front of me, I want to hear what it says". So I started thinking: what do flowers teach us? Hmmm...

1. Be delicate: don't be afraid to be gentle and graceful, it's actually beautiful in a woman.

2. Be feminine: wear dresses: pretty, light and airy fabrics that enhance your femininity, stop wearing those jeans Every.Single.Day. There are so many ways to wear a dress, look up inspirations!

3. Be elegant: This goes hand in hand with the other two ones, but it's also about the attitude. A rose is elegant on its own, it doesn't necessarily need to be put around other flowers to be elegant. Make your attitude stand out for you. In a good way.

4. Wear perfume: Sooo important! If there are flowers like lilies or freesias that I would keep smelling, there are also perfumes that are just as yummy and wearing them makes such a difference. I remember scents in the bus, on the street, scents that stayed with me. Perfumes help you be remembered.

5. Be confident and just bloom without comparing yourself to others. There are so many beautiful flowers out there, but they never feel weird about not being beautiful enough. Diversity is good, love yourself just the way you are, with your flaws and your imperfections. You're human, nobody's perfect.

6. Be joyful: Find a reason to be happy every day. There are many small blessings around you that could just make your day if you are willing. I love the warm sun in the morning or an addictive song recommended when I least expect.

7. Wear happy colors: Less blacks, greys and browns, more viridian, turquoise, aubergine, burgundy, salmon, peach, pink blush! So many color combinations, just look around you on the street and be inspired! 

8. Bring happiness to people around you: Remember how happy you are when you receive flowers, make people just as happy and then you can say it was a day worth living! Many times just sending a random hug message, checking up on a friend or listening and showing compassion helps so much!

9. Never let go, find resources to go on, bloom every year no matter what! Even if there are days when you wished you stayed in bed, even if the dark autumn days are approaching, find a purpose (going somewhere in vacation, Christmas decorations, etc) and stick to it, it will make you happy when the skies are grey.

10. Know what you want and what you need: If you need love, health, peace of mind or happiness, ask for it and the Universe will give it to you. Just don't forget to be Specific and also remember the famous saying: "Be careful what you wish for, because it might come true". So think hard before you ask. 

   I want to remember these small lessons, especially when I feel sad or worried. Flowers don't worry, they just bloom :)


P.S. Happy colors and polka dots make me sooo happy:

Happy happy, joy joy,

D.

  

I need you to need me

Dear diary,

   Life's short. We all know it. Before dying, some people like to leave behind some wise sayings they developed after an eventful life. I'm not there yet, but I found something pretty important already. After deep conversations with some friends and watching a lot of Breaking Bad lately, I realized that what we all really need in life is not money or any kind of earthly possesions but to be needed, appreciated, loved and valued just the way we are, without future alterations. Nobody wants to be borrowed, rented or stolen and then given back, sold or left on a forgotten shelf somewhere. We're not objects. We're human beings. We have a soul and needs. And the most important one is that we all need to be needed. We lose our grounds when somebody makes us feel replaceable, insignificant, not enough. When we don't match the expectations. And that's what breaks us all. Not being enough. 

   It's so easy to fall down and remain there for the rest of our life. So easy to keep finding reasons to not believe in ourselves when we could be looking for reasons to stand up and go on. Our brain is too complicated to comprehend. I gave up trying after I found out evolution plays a huge part of it. 

   Even though, no matter what happens, we'll always try to be a part of something, of someone's life. We're social beings, so don't blame us, it's in our nature. But what should we do when we feel we're not enough? I think we should take our time, as much as we need, licking our wounds in that deep, dark pit and when we're ready, stand up and try to give this weird, complicated maze a meaning. Find something that keeps us alive and a ball of yarn to unfold and play with while we're discovering the meaning of it all. Learn from our past mistakes and never give up even if we feel like doing it. Never stop playing the game even if it feels too hard to solve. We're here to grow wise, not to die mediocre. 

   We can do so much more than we think we can. We're so powerful and yet, we don't know it. Because we're afraid to see our true self. If we just stepped out of the shades and into the sun letting it fill us with its warmth, we'd see life in a whole different light. So why lay in the shades for the rest of our life? Why be afraid when there's so much more to experience out there? And so many reasons to love ourselves in the first place. Because, just like the old saying goes, if you like yourself the others will like you too. And don't we all like to be liked? :)

Hopeful,

D.

The warrior within

Dear diary,

   Each day I'm more and more surprised by my dreams. Especially by the Dana in them. So many things happen to her and she's like Lara Croft, Joan of Arc and Mrs. Smith all in one: a free spirit with a wild heart, so determined, fearless and powerful, always knowing what she has to do. Not that I'm not like that in real life (maybe at a cognitive level), but this woman in my dreams is playing a very complex game and every night she passes to the next level. 

   She's sometimes afraid of things she meets along the way but she never gives up. She keeps on going and going and she never gets tired. She encounters things I see every day, things I saw weeks or months ago or things I thought about, all jumbled up in a never ending maze. And when I wake up each morning I feel overwhelmed by the journey she's been through. 

   Few are the nights when I don't remember dreaming something. My dreams are ones of the most complex I have ever heard of. It's like I'm living a parallel life there. 

   So now I'm curious how other people's dreams look like. I've always been interested in the world of dreams and their meaning. 

Fascinated,

D.

The happy song

Dear diary,

   I've never been so happy in my life and it's so sad to see that some people think I might be faking it. I couldn't be happier, really. 

   Every day I wake up feeling more and more thankful and more and more in love with my life: I have my dream job, I'm loved and I love, I'll get to travel (finally! I picked up my first passport ever yesterday) and sooo many beautiful things happened to me this year and will surely happen from now on! I feel like I'm at the peak of my life. I didn't think it's possible to be happier every day, but I'm living it right now so I gotta believe it.

   There are many times lately when I find myself daydreaming and smiling randomly or saying "life's amazing". How could I be unhappy when I have everything I ever wished for? I just hope everyone reaches this point. All they gotta do is find what they love and lead their life around that, be it a job, a hobby, some beautiful people or anything else. When you're doing what you love you inevitably attract happy memories and happy people around you because... you are Happy! 

   So, dear diary, more exciting things ahead! I'm the luckiest and the happiest girl alive!

(Still) In love with life,

D.