It is done

Dear diary,

   The emotions I feel right now are so strong that I felt I should tell you all about it. It is done. My family and some dear family friends helped us move all Oliver's and my stuff into my grandma's apartment. We worked a whole lot, it was a reaaaally long day but boy have we succeeded to do so many things! 

   My dad asked me earlier today when I started dreaming about this. I said it was at least 10 years ago. It's been so long since I wanted to have my own little place that I can call home. All my close friends got the chance to move out so I was really looking forward to my own experience. 

   I'm a really good planner. The man helping me transport my boxes said so himself. So I've been planning this for as long as my dad gave us the OK. I had a lot of pictures in my head of how I wanted my place to look like. All this inspired by tons of photos I saw on Pinterest and other interior decoration websites. So I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted vintage but classy, romantic but cute, comfy and really cozy. I was really happy when after so many hours of work, I saw that my dream came true today. I really have the best home I could ever have. The surroundings of the block of flats are so relaxing, and the place itself has so much meaning to me. I have a lot of good childhood memories here. And I will also never forget my grandma's eggplant salad. I loved it so much that it made me think: if people remember me for one single thing that I did absolutely wonderfully (like her eggplant salad) then my life would be all worth it. So, even if she was a very simple countryside girl, my grandma did so many good things in her life and educated my dad and me and my brother so well that... here I am today. She was definitely my dearest grandma ever and I am so lucky to have the chance of living in her old apartment. Not to mention the fact that I am 5 minutes away of my former highschool. The one I breathed for, the one I absolutely loved. I am a very sentimental person and when objects or places have a sentimental value, they are really dear to me. So this is why this little apartment is definitely the most wonderful home I could have. I'm crying as we speak, but know, dear diary, that these are tears of joy, of longing and of deep affection. Towards my grandma, my life and everything in it. 

   But there is another side to this story. The one that means that living on my own means living apart from my family. I know we're only 20 minutes away, but the emotional separation is stronger than the actual one. I've never ever lived away from them more than 2 weeks last year during summer camp. So tonight, when they went home I looked at them and started tearing up. I wanted to take a picture of them to remember this very intense moment but for some reason I didn't. I still remember their faces though. My dad was really tired after so much work but my mom was very happy for me. So happy and proud. I will still see them a lot from now on, because I'm a family girl and I can't stay away from them, but this is exactly why it felt so sad to say goodbye to living with them. 

   So now you know how I feel. I'm still crying, but they are still good tears. I'm living my dream and I wouldn't change ANYTHING about when and how things happened. The fact that I moved out now, 4 months after getting engaged to the most wonderful being on Earth, makes it more and more intense. 

   I am living my dreaaaaaaam!

Teary and happy,

D.

Perfectly imperfect

Dear diary,

   Everything that happened around me lately helped me realize how imperfect we all are, how afraid we are to not meet expectations, worried about an uncertain grown up future, angry knowing we don't own everything we want, sad thinking everybody judges us. We're truly our own biggest enemies. We are the ones who stop ourselves from reaching daily happiness by allowing all the negative emotions make room in our mind. We're living in a constant fear, we love and grow dependent of the ones we love, forgetting that we have to love ourselves first in order to have a basic happy life. 

   Today I didn't wear any makeup while going to work and I still smiled. I inhaled the fresh air, watched the birds chirping, the sun rays reaching me through fresh green trees, colorful people walking to work and I smiled again saying "You know what? I'm beautiful just the way I am. And today I love myself." It was such an important start of a good day. I focused on watching happy people pass me by, I imagined their happy little lives and I told myself again the mantra of a wise friend I adopted last night: "I'm not happy all the day, but I'm happy every day." And so I shall. I will accept that I am perfect in my imperfection and I will allow myself to have good days and bad days, cooking experiments gone wild and tears now and then. Because it's all natural. But I will focus on the negative side less and less... and when the world seems too hard to bear, I'll call a friend and bear it together. Cos two is always better than one.

Sunny and proud,

D.

Read me

   I'm no compromises, half measures and fake smiles. I give myself completely and I often lose everything. I love deeply but I never hate. And I don't know about you, but I don't like sleeping because there are so many things to enjoy wide awake. 

   I'm a lazy Sunday morning between warm sheets, a sunny autumn afternoon in the park, a starry night by the countryside. 

   I'm a loving puppy, a fearful deer, a white dove, a phoenix bird. If money wouldn't exist, you could pay me in hugs and kisses and I'd be just as happy. 

   I'm the breathtaking view on the peak of the mountain, the deepest ocean and those amazing fluffy clouds on a perfect day. 

   I'm that book with the terrific scent, the cover that makes you fall in love and the story as old as the world and still true nowadays. The story you love reading, the one that makes you forget who you are and what you're looking for. 

   I'm a child's giggle, a teenager's dreams and a mother's devotion. I'm everything and nothing altogether. The kind of nothingness you need in your life to be grateful you lived. 

   I am what you need when you're vulnerable, what you want when you're empty, what you're longing for when you're sad. 

   I am you and you are me. 

Live it up

   I know, I said it before. Various times. But it came back to me so I guess it's a never ending lesson we have to learn again and again our whole life: Live it up. Take all the opportunities that show up on your way, be it an awesome light on a lazy Sunday, a donating books event in your city or the opportunity to help a kid do his homework. 

   Don't be lazy! That tv show will always be there, but some chances don't show up twice:) (Remember the color fight?:D) You just have to surpass your fear of being judged. You feel glamorous and want to take some selfies? Do it! You feel like walking in the nature but all your friends are busy? Take your camera and go enjoy yourself. You want to start a project but you're afraid you'll never have enough time? Believe me, you CAN do anything you want to do. Just do it:) You'll see how happy that thing will make you feel. 
   If I learned something in my life it's that we have to conquer our fears and focus on being happy. Because in the end, that's what keeps us going, right?:) But there's this trick:

   So do whatever makes you happy and do this exercise an awesome teacher gave us: write down every day 3 things that made you happy. Do it for a week. See how your life changes when you acknowledge there ARE things that make you happy every day. So why are you sad then?:) Start being happy and take all the opportunities that make you want to shout "I love life"! Say YES more often! Live it up!:)

Day 365. The big day

   Today's the last day of my daily journey through my first year of adulthood, the year I started working. 

   It was a project I dived into because I wanted to fight the laziness that comes to us artists from time to time. A project to encourage me to take photos and write in spite of having little free time. It wasn't easy. I had to come up with new photos and new posts every day. Some days I had no idea what to write about because nothing special happened to me then but I still had to do my homework so I had to look deep down and find a piece of mind hidden on a forgotten shelf. Yes, a couple of days I thought about postponing or canceling the project but each time my inner voice told me I have to finish what I started. And here I am now.

   This experiment made me look at my life through a magnifying glass and find emotions and thoughts I didn't pay attention to all the time. 

   These past 365 days I had the chance to analyse myself, my reactions and my choices, my worries and my moments of happiness. It was a bildungsroman I got the chance to read while writing it.

   And like any other bildungsroman, I started with 0 work experience, a lot of theoretical information that I wasn't going to use in the kindergarten, questions, doubts and anxieties. 

I felt my hands were tied and my expectations were too high. I was down...

But I knew I loved kids more than anything.

Because when kids smile and they tell you they love you, it's all you need to move on.

I found little things that made my days beautiful and that made my inner photographer really proud.

I always did what I love. I cooked and I baked.

I read a lot. For me and for the exam I had to take this summer. There were books and movies I'll always remember. 

And a lot of movie like moments. 

I spent a lot of time in the middle of the nature. I saw sunrises, sunsets, gloomy clouds, rain and snow.

Autumn, winter, spring and summer. 

I celebrated Christmas, New Year's Eve and Easter. I finally had the Christmas tree of my dreams.

I gave and received gifts.

I spent precious time with my friends, family and my beloved boyfriend.

 I received an amazing birthday cake from my best friend, I went to my first color fight and I had my first textbook sleepover.

I made new friends. Dogs, cats and people who helped me rediscover my childhood and my adolescence. 

My feet went to a lot of places.

I was sick, sad and worried. I questioned life and existence. I complained.

But each time I fell down, I stood up and moved on stronger.

I learned I still need to work on being patient.

And accepting change.

I learned that I have to fight for what I believe in.

And always find a reason to smile.

That it's good to keep your spirit young especially if you're living an adult life.

Shoot for the stars,

And be creative. 

Love unconditionally,

Be yourself even if the world expects to see something different.

And keep close to whatever makes you happy:)

 It's been a wonderful journey. One that I'm planning to continue. Not daily but still, twice a week. On Tuesdays and Saturdays. 

Thanx for sticking around and reading my posts, supporting me and putting me on the right direction. It was all very helpful:) See you next Tuesday!:)