Complaining should be allowed! Like totally! Why do you want me to stop emotionally ventilate AND lie myself in the process, saying that everything IS ok when it isn't? Complaining about pain and the emotional breakdown I'm going through helps me. It gets off my chest all the sorrow that's been piling up in the last days. Why call it irrational and childish when it's just a coping mechanism? I just want to be healthy, so not being that way bugs me and I start talking about it.
Today I hit bottom again. I finally went to see the doctor. It was an emergency since I couldn't go on without antibiotics and she had the cure. In Romania anything can happen so, instead of being treated first, I was avoided and I felt like a piece of nothing while waiting. I wanted to leave sick as I was, being disgusted of it all but mom said I should stand up for my rights and demand to be looked at. And so I did. In the end it seems like the flu I thought I had isn't that severe (really?).
Like I always do, I went to buy the pills the doctor prescribed and then it hit me. The intense pain of a man who ran kilometers. I felt like I walked till Zimbabwe and back (literally). You don't wanna know what an excruciating pain that is. Somehow, meanwhile feeling the most helpless and lonely being in the world, I managed to reach my block of flats but... when I had to climb the many stairs till the 4th floor where I live... I couldn't. I then burst into tears, the bitter tears of the one who accepts being defeated. "I'm done being cocky and pretend to win every battle when I'm not." Mom came and helped me climb those stairs. It was a good drama movie moment. Looking back at it I wouldn't wanna live it again so I decided not to leave the house this week for anything in the world. I am going to rest a lot and recover... or die. One of the two. Man, I'm such a good drama queen.
