Day 340. The dark at the end of the tunnel

   We grow up always asking questions. When we're babies we want to know all the object names, then when we're kids we start asking "Why?" every 2 minutes. When we're teens we ask "Who am I?" and when we're adults we get all metaphysical and we start questioning the purpose of life and death. I'm there. 

   I had this talk to myself again tonight and I still didn't get an answer. I never do, but I keep asking because I want to know: "Why do young people have to die?" Why kids? Why teens? I get old people dying but youngsters are supposed to have their whole life ahead. What's the purpose of all this? I'm tired of always getting the "they have to teach the others a lesson" type of answer. I just don't get it. 

   Some get sick and others commit suicide. Why do they go through all this? The worst part is that no matter how hard we try to help them, they just go. 

Day 123. Life is like a book

   

   Sometimes we feel we've got so much time that we don't know what to do with it and we end up being bored because nothing seems good enough. But most of the times we feel time's running through our fingers and there's nothing we can do to stop it. 

   Today melancholy caught me gently. It made me think about life passing before my eyes just like a book that's read so fast and then, when you least expect, it's over and everything stops from existing. Why are be born if we're all to die someday? What's our purpose here? As a friend used to say: what's the point of living if after two or three generations nobody calls your name anymore and when the Earth is to be distroyed, everything mankind created will fall into oblivion? So, what's our point here? To grow up, make mistakes, learn from them and reproduce? There must be something more than that. What is it? And why were you born before me? Why was I born here? My life could have been totally different... but do I really want a different life? No. I don't. I'm happy like this. Maybe this is our purpose here: to be happy and the universe conspires to create happy destinies. We're destined to be happy, aren't we? We just have to open our eyes and believe it. Everything else will happen naturally.

Day 119. To know or not to know

   ... THAT is the question! I saw "Now is good" today. It was about a girl who was going to die because of leukemia and as you would expect she had a list of things she wanted to do before dying. As I watched the movie I thought: "Would it be better to know that you're going to die or would it be better for it to happen so fast that you don't acknowledge it?" Up until today I thought I wanted to know. It was all about having time to prepare myself and the others and do all the things I wanted to but never had time/guts/money. But after seeing this movie and all the pain knowing involves, I don't know if I want to know anymore. I don't think I want to do all the things from a list I'd make and then, at the end of every day that brings me closer to the end, realize the ending and cry to sleep. I think this movie changed me and it wan't even an excellent one. It just made me realize I want something else. By now I did everything I dreamed to do, my people know me and I tell them I love them very often, I am at peace with myself and the world... so I'd rather not know. If I knew, I'd have to struggle, to fight for life and I'm not sure I can. I'm not sure I have enough power inside me. So it's better if I don't know or feel it coming... though maybe in some years I will change my mind:)