Day 157. Winner's illusion

   Last night was going to be another white night and I knew it, but guess what: this time I was able to sleep in a couple of hours. Fever still fought to take me over but I wasn't willing to give up. I discovered a way to take away my back pain and during the day, after tons of tea, fruit, cold compress and staying under the warm blanket... I opened my eyes to a new me. A seemingly healthier me. Not feeling feverish, not complaining about being sick. Everything looked bright. I even considered going to work tomorrow until... She showed me it was still too early to announce my victory. The flu was wearing a black mask that had me thinking I was ok. 

   Not being able to take a mere shower hurts. Trembling like hell while overdressed hurts as well. So I'm back in bed and I'm taking it from square one. Silly, silly me. She'd never give up so soon because she's stronger this time. I need to be just as strong even if that means giving up on something. Bring it on.

 

Day 145. Niap

   Pain is like a spoiled adolescent girl. She's so sneaky that she clouds your mind, willing to make you focus only on her and forget everything else. And if you dare trying to ignore her she will grab your hand and she'll squeeze it so hard until you acknowledge her and you'll do everything you can to put her to rest... and she doesn't like to give up easily. 

   I had a terrible headache today... and a cold. Again. For the third time this winter due to working with kids. I couldn't enjoy anything. I just knew I had to work a lot and get through with it by the end of the day. I wasn't able to really pay attention to the small details that usually make my day. Pain... was frustrating and even though I tried not to pay attention to her, she would always come back angrier and angrier until I collapsed. I thought it couldn't get any worse. I wasn't in the mood for anything else but go to bed, sleep and make it go away. But then I changed my mind and I took THE pill. We always take pills. And although some say it's better without, in my case, it's not. Really. The Pill kidnapped Pain after just a few minutes and I could still hear her scream. I knew she wanted back to me but I smiled in victory. I could go back to finishing my presentation for tomorrow. Big day approaching...

Day 119. To know or not to know

   ... THAT is the question! I saw "Now is good" today. It was about a girl who was going to die because of leukemia and as you would expect she had a list of things she wanted to do before dying. As I watched the movie I thought: "Would it be better to know that you're going to die or would it be better for it to happen so fast that you don't acknowledge it?" Up until today I thought I wanted to know. It was all about having time to prepare myself and the others and do all the things I wanted to but never had time/guts/money. But after seeing this movie and all the pain knowing involves, I don't know if I want to know anymore. I don't think I want to do all the things from a list I'd make and then, at the end of every day that brings me closer to the end, realize the ending and cry to sleep. I think this movie changed me and it wan't even an excellent one. It just made me realize I want something else. By now I did everything I dreamed to do, my people know me and I tell them I love them very often, I am at peace with myself and the world... so I'd rather not know. If I knew, I'd have to struggle, to fight for life and I'm not sure I can. I'm not sure I have enough power inside me. So it's better if I don't know or feel it coming... though maybe in some years I will change my mind:)