Day 153. One must weep

      Most people love kids, right? Well when we state that, we usually think about the cute toddlers who barely say some words and walk clumsily, are ever so curious to discover the world, love toys and still have that attractive baby face. What about the 5 or 6 year olds? They become more independent, start to question what you tell them and... learn not to obey. And sometimes that can bring hard to bear consequences... at least for the educators (like me). 

   Today I had a good day. Until I met some 5 and 6 year olds who didn't want to pay attention to me no matter how much I tried to make the activity interesting. The sad part is that it wasn't their first time showing no respect towards me. Promises of a reward no longer worked since they're used to getting something in return for their good behaviour and they say they don't need colored dots anymore so... why not do what they want? Why not disturb the class so that kids who want to pay attention couldn't? I asked them whether they didn't like me or the things I was teaching them. They said "no, we like you". "Then what is it? Why don't you pay attention?" "We don't know" they said. That's what the big ones always say. They seem to question things around them but they never really know why they don't obey the rules. Tricky. 

   So I was left in the position of being the bad teacher, the one who punishes them and makes them feel fear. I wish I didn't have to do that, but I felt it necessary. Of course a child started to cry being faced with a punishment and seeing that he couldn't do everything he wanted in class and in the end I felt bad. Bad of not knowing how to be that perfect teacher who the kids are in love with, that teacher who knows how to solve critical problems without punishing the students. I felt lonely in a crowd. I didn't know what to do next. I don't want to go to them next time and punish them even before the activity starts in order to keep them focused. I want to be a good teacher and I wish they would just listen to me. Maybe... I'm not tough enough and that has to be learned... all in due time.